ok, this is all i pretty much do constantly!!! i forgive her, talk to her, tell her not to worry about it, it happens, and then move on, but do you think she understands what i am saying?! no, she doesn't, because giving or telling her that i forgive her only puts the ball back into her court and she says, "i win again!" so now i forgive her without saying anything about last night, or ever discussing the issue: i just let it go. is it right? no way! but my wife is a closed-minded person, never to take sex/the bedroom/romance/intimacy seriously. she thinks and says that it's just another way of getting her into bed to only have sex with her. meanwhile, i have been trying to do everything to show her that this marriage is not only about sex: being a teamplayer when it comes to the kids; conversing with her about everything in the world but sex; going shopping with her without the kids; going for walks; doing the household chores with her or even without her; doing everything and anything to uphold my responsibilities as a husband and father.
I know it seems to you like all you do is forgive her all day, but if you read what you wrote with objective eyes, I think you have to admit that it's full of anger. You're not forgiving her. That's not necessarily wrong; she hurt you. It's not like your hurt doesn't matter; you're a real person and you don't have to leap to forgive everyone who wrongs you right away. BUT you're better off if you face the fact that you likely aren't going to change the situation much until you can let go of that anger. I struggled mightily with this, and if I go back and read those threads, I can feel the anger rising again. I have never really left it completely behind, but I get better and better at soothing myself and dispelling the feeling as time goes on. This is like my 3-year-old son in the hotel pool tonight. He wanted to jump in, he knew that was what he wanted, but it was too scary and the emotion stopped him. That's OK; he wants to jump into a pool, so he'll try again and one day his desire to try it will overcome his fear. It doesn't have to happen today. Similarly, you don't have to forgive her perfectly today; if you really want to let the anger go, eventually you'll get so sick of it that you'll overcome the urge to hold onto anger. It's telling yourself that you've forgiven her and it didn't "work" that's causing you problems. You haven't really forgiven her (shutting up about it is not forgiveness!) and forgiving her so that she will repay you with respect or sex or whatever is a classic Nice Guy trait.
If it seems like we're picking on you and letting her off the hook, you're right. See, she's off the hook already because she's not here trying to fix the problem. YOU are here trying to fix the problem. YOU might be the only one in the marriage who realizes that there is a problem, or at least the only one who knows how serious the problem is. So yes, most of our suggestions are things for you to change, because as unfair as it is, it falls to the partner who perceives the problem to begin the process of fixing the problem, and you can only change your way of doing things, not hers.
My most urgent advice is that if you're thinking of leaving, you need to tell her so very clearly. If she still says, "If you don't like it, there's the door" then it's time to walk, at least temporarily. But that's terrifying, right? Don't talk about leaving unless you've thought it through and concluded that you honestly aren't willing to put up with your marriage the way it is anymore, because another empty threat is the last thing you need, and because you already know that it's the fear and indecisiveness when she says "there's the door" that keeps you whipped. You need the ability to take that threat and keep going, and if you look at yourself honestly and find that you don't have it, then you will need to develop it.
She thinks (rightly) that you are so desperate to be with her that you are willing to accept being disrespected and trampled on as long as you get to stay with her. Words will probably not change her belief. Actions may be required.
