putting my big girl panties on

[flowmom]

Well, the conversation that I just had was as close as I'm going to get to closure, I think.

I phoned STBXH tonight to ask him about how the appointment with the coparenting psychologist went. It turned into a much more involved conversation than I expected. STBXH basically laid his cards on the table in many areas.

* he liked the psychologist but had the impression that most of the coparenting plan was stuff that we could work out together (he also felt that she was not super supportive of our parenting style)

* we agreed to look at the coparenting plan template together and try to hammer out as much as possible on our own and possibly seek professional input for areas where there is conflict or lack of clarity

* we agreed that we both want what's best for the children and that we agree about 90% of parenting issues

* STBXH stated clearly that he would like our children to continue living in this home if that's what I want and that he was willing to make financial concessions (not legally required) to facilitate that

* he said that he felt bad that he hadn't made the above clear, because he had been thinking along those lines for a long time

* he said that he would far rather get a less favourable settlement in the divorce than give tons of money to lawyers

* he said he had had a one hour consultation with a L

* he said that he didn't have short-term plans to buy property but was hoping to buy something no more than a 15 min drive away from here

* he said that he had no idea about what his financial picture would look like...sounded fatalistic about it

* I really went out on a limb and said "I know you're probably not interested in this, but I thought I'd give you a heads up that a suitable home (currently owned by friends) will probably become available for sale in this complex a year from now"...he thanked me for telling him and said that he didn't know how he'd feel a year from now but that he wouldn't rule out that possibility. I put the ball in his court to contact the owner when he suggested that I mention it to her.

So, we had the amicable divorce conversation. Having skipped all the conversations that you'd expect to have after the "I don't know how I feel and I'm moving out for a trial separation" conversation.

STBXH and I were friends before we were lovers. And I see now that we will probably be able to be coparents and friends. Having finally had a conversation with STBXH, I am reassured that he is still the same mostly honourable man that I have always known and loved. Sucks that our marriage failed, but I guess the consolation prize is that we will be able to bring some decency and goodwill to the process of making the best of this for our children.

I was warned about this, but it's more obvious to me now how the communication vacuum led me to mind-read and live in fear of him becoming a different person. Talking to him tonight, it's obvious that there's no fight in him. So I need to stop being paranoid and just get on with making this work.

Frankly, my STBXH doesn't really seem to fit the profile of either the typical WAS or MLCer. He was just done. Not that it really matters at this point.

I feel a bit numb, a bit relieved...and there is still some disbelief.