My Universe, Unfolding...

[ImprovedRomeo]

CONS
- I'm not 100% sure what rent I can afford, esp depending on how much of child's daycare I have to pay. I'm working on figuring this out, but it's very complicated.
- I'll suddenly have no regular free childcare (I'm actually very lucky in that I get to go out pretty regularly to do stuff for me, and although it's a little like pulling teeth, H will stay home with child when I do- moving out makes that a lot harder).
- will shake up child sooner than we need to
- no custody, support, pet custody decided yet, and these may be hard to negotiate now, particularly any child support- H will balk and become nasty, I think.
- Hence, I probably won't have my child more than 50% of the time, which won't be good for me or my child. I don't think my child can go w/out seeing me fore more than a day.

Niki, I'm really sorry to say it but unfortunately this will happen sooner or later. I'm not advocating hurrying up if you don't want to but if he doesn't turn around this will need to be dealt with. Will he turn around and if he does will he be acceptable to you? those are two questions you need to think about...I mean really think about and know the answer for yourself.

- even though it's what he wants, H will probably be pissed if I go now - I don't need him meaner and more vindictive, we still have to negotiate.

His feelings are no longer your concern. His feelings are not your responsibility. I know you don't need him meaner but D makes even the nicest ones meaner. If it won't be your moving out it'll be that something that you would want and so will he. How far will you go to prevent his meaness? how long will you stand taking it? around here they say don't be a martyr.

- won't have A/C except in the living room, which right now is a problem. I'm home all day and don't tolerate the heat well.
- I have no furniture- this is hard to explain. In a few months, I'll have access to some that's now in storage, but most of it is too big for an apt. I have no bed, dresser, desk, etc. so would have to buy all of that before moving.

Niki, I know this all sucks but how will avoiding it for a few more months help? These are things that need to be dealt with. I will say that this won't be your life forever. Think of it as a phase, use the opportunity to declutter as I said before. Buy a portable air-conditioner $400 or a cheap window a/c unit for $150 if they let you install it. Furniture? I'll give you your own advice, craigslist! sell what you won't be needing, buy what will work for you. Yes a bit of a leg work but this will give you the strenght and confidence you need to know that you can survive on your own just fine! I know you'll be fine and I know it's hard for you to see it but knowing what I know about you you're more than capable of handling this. Sure you might need a pep talk or a suggestion and you'll get that from here and me when you want it!

- if I wait a little longer til I know more if I'll get any child support, it might open up some more possibilities in terms of what I can afford.
- I'll have to start paying a lot more with a new rent, sooner, when I could be saving money or paying off debt.

How long is little longer? is that little longer acceptable to you? Two have you talk to the Ls about this? Same about the custody arrangement. I think in your state like mine 50/50 is usually what the courts will go for unless one parent gives it up or there's a compelling case. Again check with the Ls. You could move out and file for temp support right off the bat.

- I am very sure that I will be obsessed with H's whereabouts and who he'd with if I couldn't keep an eye on him. There's no OW, I'm pretty sure, but my imagination runs wild already (with no proof of anything- I'm just like that) and I see him everyday.

This is probably one of the hardest things us LBS have to deal with, the good thing is he has no OW so far. I know for sure. So he hasn't left you for someone else. He does seem to have convinced himself that the grass is greener on the other side.

- I'm afraid it will "cement" the D process. No one has filed yet, but if I go, he may think that I'm 100% done and I'm not sure I want to send that message....

Well a lot of couples go through this and they are legally separated to give eachother 'space' to 'find themselves' etc. You could always pitch it that way if you think it'll be better: "H, I know you've been wanting D and I feel the env and our relationship is hurting. I know you're upset about certain things and I wish I could change how you feel. I've tried how I know but it hasn't seemed to make a difference. So, I've decided that it would be best if we lived separately for a little while to see if we can sort our own issues out first. Maybe we can learn to be happy ourselves and perhaps we can try again in the future? I would like DD to spend X no of days with me and Y no of days with you. I would also need some financial assistance so I can pay my bills on my own. I don't want us to be miserable with eachother and it hurts me to see you upset and angry. It's not good for any of us. I hope that you can understand"

Niki, you don't have to rush or do any of this if you don't want to but as I asked you before...at what point do you take action. Take control from him and lead the blind WAS? I know you're afraid of the unknown, financial worries are also huge, H seeing someone is another one...so ask yourself at what point do you say 'yes I accept all these things but living together this way is making things worse for us- I'm reacting to him and he's reacting to me. Is anyone at the wheel?'

(((hugs)))
PS. You know how to find me if you want my advice or just want to talk...