Yes he isn't ready. You can tell from one simple thing...no remorse. He hasn't apologized or made any effort to amend what he had done. He is still in the blaming stage where you are the root of all his problems.
He's telling you what YOU have to change. Well the last time I checked, a marriage involves two people. I'm sure he had his faults as well but he's made no mention of them.
My suggestion is to stay "busy" and cut down on the time going out with him. You don't want to play his games do you? Start showing that you have better things to do than wait on him hand and foot. You might think it will drive him away, but it won't. Right now he doesn't respect you.
Are you still being intimate with him?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Why do you want to be submissive? I don't understand that stratagy at all. You are suppose to not fight-if they start a fight you just agree with them but not submissive. I think you misread this part or maybe I did.
You are suppose to not fight-if they start a fight you just agree with them but not submissive.
Validating is not agreeing. Validating allows them to the "right" to have their feelings, the idea being that their feelings are just that, their feelings. It doesn't mean you have to agree with their conclusions, but by validating their feelings, you never have to get to that point.
How have you been validating his feelings? If done right he shouldn't be getting aggressive.
Example:
Him: I feel you never listen to me You: I understand how you feel that way.
Just agree with what he's feeling or saying without adding anything else. Be sure you agree to his "belief" that he feels that way. You don't have to agree with what he says, just that he believes it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i do that. but i think with people who may be emotionally abusive the rules are different. if i do that, he berrates me for half an hour, feels awesome, more angry and then hates me. my situation is no9t 'typical', in that he is abusive and narcassistic. i know everybody keeps asking me 'why stay then', but i'm here to try to save what's left of my relationship if it's possible, or atleast find out teqniques that work.
When he starts getting abusive, then tell him that you are not going to be talked down to and will continue the discussion when he can talk in a rational manner, then walk away.
He'll start to follow you around and say you're "running away" but firmly tell him that you are not and are perfectly happy to discuss issues with him, but not when he will talk down to you. That you are his wife and expect to be treated the same way he would like you to treat him.
Saying something like that every now and then is fine. You're not accusing him of anything, just stating how you feel and how you want to feel. You can do it.
Eventually he'll start changing his behavior. It'll be a slow process but it'll come up. You just need to re-program him. Fact is that you've been doing the same things over again, yet expecting a different result. Do something different.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i think with people who may be emotionally abusive the rules are different. if i do that, he berrates me for half an hour, feels awesome, more angry and then hates me. my situation is no9t 'typical', in that he is abusive and narcassistic. i know everybody keeps asking me 'why stay then', but i'm here to try to save what's left of my relationship if it's possible, or atleast find out teqniques that work.
You are right abq. There are significant differences, along with similarities.
You can't change him. The best you can hope for is that your behavior motivates him to seek help. He has no motivation to do so. The worse he treats you, the more you try to please him. That's like housebreaking a puppy by giving him a doggie treat every time he craps on the floor.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Eventually he'll start changing his behavior. It'll be a slow process but it'll come up. You just need to re-program him.
That is rarely the case with abusive men. abq's H has also been physically abusive and walking away could get her hurt very badly.
