Another story of a WH and an LBS

[gatsby11]

Other thread got locked. (WH regrets? it was titled) Continuing as before. It's a journal, basically.

WH came over to see the baby. I cooked. Fortunately I did it 70% for myself and 30% for him. Next time, I'll only do it for myself 100%. (Not portion size, but motivation.)

He told me about his yoga class when he came in, about how it was a monumental time for him. The yogi talked about pain and suffering and gave a pose with the heart pushed towards the sky. That pose meant healing for the heart. And WH said that was exactly what he needed during this difficult time for him, in his pain and suffering.

Okay, now it's my thoughts. What pain and suffering? The pain he has for leaving me and ending our wonderful relationship? This WH doesn't say he wants to be away from me. He wants to be near me and with me. But only as friends. So it's awful since we just had a child together. And that gives him so much pain.

Now it's my vent. He's only thinking about himself, still. No thought of my pain, no thought of what my reaction might be to his commentary on his suffering, etc. I can't act 'as if' when he wants me to be his sounding-board on his breakup. As if-- "as if"-- I'm not the person he's breaking up with!

Now it's back to action. So I started crying. I hid it well, but then he found me in the bedroom. He was awkward for a while. Then he said, "I wish this all hadn't happened." I said, "So do I." Then I said, "What do you mean by 'pain and suffering'?" (Is it possible he meant something different?) He said, "Well... my life." I said, "Then why did you tell me about it?" And he said, "I don't know." He was about to say that he wouldn't, but he stopped himself.

Then there was awkward silence for 30 seconds or so. And then he said that he was leaving and I said okay.

I don't think I can do this 'as if.' And I'm not saying that for encouragement to keep going. I mean it. He is not thinking about my feelings with this arrangement: seeing me often, loving me, texting me, narrating his life and suffering for me, and STILL wanting to "just be friends."

Not sure about this, but I'm thinking of either rescheduling his Wednesday visit (for some undetermined time) or having my mom be here when he arrives.

So it was a rather down night.