You could send her mother some flowers and a short note thanking her for all her hard work in trying to protect her daughter too. You thank her for trying.
You aren't giving UP, you are just keeping things on the respectable side... And her mother HAS tried to help you and work with her daughter... Her mother isn't getting any thanks either... Her daughter isn't going to thank her.. but YOU CAN.
I don't think she will ADMIT she got played. She has been wanting out of here for a long time now. This is just her excuse. And she sure as Hell doesn't think I was protecting her.
Like I said she will be coming back here on Friday to get my "answer".
I totally understand that she's miserable. I get that she's angry. But this is as far as she has pushed it yet. The poker stakes have been raised significantly.
She says now "He never was 'the one' for me". I mean the venom that comes out of this woman is horrific.
Quote:
You could send her mother some flowers and a short note thanking her for all her hard work in trying to protect her daughter too. You thank her for trying.
Already did it last week....
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/13/1002:58 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
The nastier she is the more upset she is... She wants out of the pain dude, you CAN offer her seomthing better... She just wont listen... And yes, you made some mistakes...
Don't be around friday, I really don't like HER calling the meetings, it just induces panic... counteroffer for a later time... Taking meetings she calls just gives her too much confidence.
I am not suggesting she will admit to being played, but five years down the road or ten she will remember you tried to protect her and she will understand .... married to you or not she WILL get it... I just hope it isn't after you have moved on...
So on Friday I will come home late and just say I'm not ready to discuss it.
And then she will run right back to her friends house.
Any suggestions on what I should counter with?
Her choices are
1) sell the house NOW
2) her move out and get her own place
She keeps writing and messaging people that she KNOWS she HAS to do this in order for her to be happy. I was never the ONE, that she just settled for me ect.
I don't know how much I have to bargain with. She keeps telling me that I am just trying to hang onto her by not selling the house.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Just do what YOU want and be an adult.. that's all you have to do... It may make a difference it might not...
You need to let go of the analysis for a bit and just ask yourself what YOU want... do you WANT the house or do you want to sell it?
I honestly would be telling her she's not welcome there right now anyhow if she can't manage divorce like an adult.. and she hasn't been... tell her and be civil but firm :
You can't have a civilized divorce, you act like a spoiled hurtful little child and I don't want to be around that. Or something like that... I understand you are upset, and don't tell me you aern't... Or you woudlnt be so angry all the time.. But you can MANAGE that upset like an adult or otherwise... And lying and internet sex and hurling venom at me isn't adult... You and I deserve a better divorce than that...
Here's the infidelity play in three acts that we've all been reluctantly dragged into:
Act I: The Affair
*Your wife is very unhappy with HERSELF.
*But rather than look inward, she concludes that YOU are the reason for her unhappiness. She decides to stray and justifies her actions by telling herself that since YOU'RE the reason for all her problems, it's okay because she's not a bad person, she a good person with a bad spouse.
*The affair begins, and the taboo and the secrecy makes her feel *alive* for the first time in ages. She's sneaking around and pulling one over on you, the "cause" of all her problems (in her mind), and it feels GOOD to both have a new relationship AND to get back at you like this.
*Because she's acting so strangely, you discover the affair.
Act II: Discovery
*She's shocked that you were smart enough to figure it out and tries to lie her way out of it. When that doesn't work, the bargaining begins. WS wants both of you because you both supply things she needs: OP supports her emotionally, you support her financially or with status, home, kids, etc. WS tries to cake eat.
*If OP is using WS and has no future plan with them, they will continue the affair as long as it gives them what they want. If they stop getting what they want or it becomes difficult, they're gone.
*If OP puts the pressure on WS to end the marriage but WS doesn't want to, WS withdrawals from OP and affair ends.
*If BS puts the pressure on WS to end the affair and WS doesn't want to, they withdrawal from BS and want to end the marriage.
*Publically exposing an affair shames and embarrasses a WS and makes them go ballistic. They blame the BS for embarrassing them, not themselves for misbehaving. (Even Al Capone didn't think he deserved criticism).
QuickSilver, YOU ARE HERE.
Act III: Resolution
Either:
*Affair ends. WS and OP both go through withdrawal and depression. Not pretty. WS and BS may either reconcile or divorce depending on the damage done and the level of commitment to rebuild marriage.
*Marriage ends. WS wants to be with OP more than they want to be with BS. 1% success rate for marriages that began as affairs. WS, BS, and OP all end up empty-handed.
So, as painful as it is QS, you have just forced a resolution by exposing the affair and pushing this saga into Act III.
The words she's saying, the venom she spewing, the threats she's making -- are all because in HER mind, YOU'RE the reason for her unhappiness, YOU'RE the reason she ran around, and YOU'RE the mean, mean man for causing all this upheavel in her life with the exposure and OM hasty exit. That NONE of this would have happened if she'd not strayed is COMPLETELY beside the point (in her mind).
If she gets away from YOU, all her problems will be solved. She will be FREE.
But she'll realize soon enough that "freedom" isn't all it's cracked up to be. She may run out of money before you sell the house in this economy. Her parents may get tired of paying her bills. She may hit the dating circuit and realize it doesn't have the answers she seeks.
The point is, this may or may not be the end of your marriage. You don't know yet. You've just now moved into Act III. There are a lot more scenes to play and a lot more self-discovery that needs to happen before you can roll the end titles on this story.
Give her time and space to discover that you're NOT the problem. SHE is. It may take weeks, it may take months. Or, if she refuses to grow up, it may never happen at all. You just don't know yet.
But one thing is for certain: NEVER make BIG decisions in the heat of anything - passion, fear, or anger. You WILL regret it. Take time and allow cooler heads to prevail.
*Marriage ends. WS wants to be with OP more than they want to be with BS. 1% success rate for marriages that began as affairs. WS, BS, and OP all end up empty-handed.
Well I am guessing that the OP is probably out of the picture completely. She tried to play it off like she was using HIM.
But her online searches of "how to get a guy" say different.
However, I am starting to think the "other person" in this whole thing is *ANYONE BUT ME* (ABM). She is leaving me for ABM, and is having a fantasy with ABM.
I really like that term "Anyone But Me". Because it seems to describe her EXTREME desire to get out of the house and "move on" with her life. The Facebook guy was a reminder of simpler times in high school, and her first real crush. He just happened to be at the right place at the right time and made her feel good.
There are like 10 other guys in her past, or even now, that could be ABM. I can't fight and expose them all. But this last guy seemed to have special sway over her. Maybe crushing this EA will start a snowball effect.
I take hope from Puppy's story and how he said EVERYONE thought his wife was so far gone that she was in another dimension.
Because that is exactly where I am now. Her mom told me she called her crying and hysterical, saying how she couldn't live in this house anymore. She HAD to get out and away from me.
In her mind she says she realized she wanted a divorce about 18 months ago, but was too scared to lose the house, and what would happen in this process. She had several offers from that FB guy for an affair, but turned them down. Only when she realized that she was going through with this 100%, did she start the EA and want a PA.
It just terrifies me that she is actively looking for ABM. Maybe I am wrong and she really thought that this Facebook guy was going to be the one. She even wrote him that once she found out he was single again, she wished she could date him.
It was a God awful morning for me today. Getting out of bed was just too hard. But I DID IT and went to the gym.
It seems like everything in my life leads me down a certain path. Like where I am now in my house and the job I have. Maybe this all NEEDED to happen in order to kill a bad marriage and let a NEW, BETTER one begin.
I need to get Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. I have let the cage door open right now. And she is running hard. But like SR said, she may come to hard terms with her reality. I pray this to be true, and I take hope from Puppy and Allen.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Make no mistake about it, your old M is dead. Would you really want that back anyway?
Your W is not the same person you M. After all is said and done you will not be the same either. Any R you have whether it's with your W or someone else will be new and have to be built from the ground up.
Don't second guess yourself. You did what you had to do to have any chance at all.
Keep working on you and recognizing and owning your part in getting to where you are. This will get easier and you will be OK.
Detach with love and let your W deal and figure out her own issues. She's running at this time because she doesn't want to face herself. She thinks an OM will fix her and it won't work.
Get Dobson's book as soon as you can. You will find unbelievable peace of mind reading it!
Remember the things W tells you (" didn't start EA until I realized 100%"... ABM syndrome...only stayed because of the house...all of that) is just part of WAS rationalization and justification process. Emotions are extremely fickle! Dobson even wrote a book called Emotions, Can You Trust Them.
Do whatever you need to do to GAL! It's the best therapy.
