Question

[awest1217]

Bad day today...I got the annual mortgage stuff. This year the payment is going up $50 a month because of taxes and our home owners insurance increasing. It isn't too much, but when I see larger payments, I freak out and it scares me. I know I can do it. With God's help, I have made it through the last year, but now I am also in charge of the sunday school, which has no money so I am buying a bunch of stuff for that...which I will have to stop doing. It is all just so hard!

I need H to decide on what he is going to do so I can get a settlement. I am going to ask for $10000 which is just for him to pay back mortgage and the child support he missed last summer. I wouldn't ask for future stuff except child support. I just want what is owed me. He chose to leave and has not helped pay the mortgage although it is still his house too so I am just asking for half the mortgage for every month since he has left. That would help me because I would pay off the car and all that would be left is the mortgage, which frees me up $180 a month. I took on all the joint debt when H left. The only debt H has is his credit card and his student loan, which combined are only $300 a month, while I pay everything else so I think I am being fair...anyone out there who has been through this think I am just living in a dream world?

Anyway...rough day....

[ClingingToHope]

You and me both. I got an email from my L that STBXW and her lawyer didn't like our counter offer. So now there is a pre-trial conference set for next week and likely a trial date after that.

I did not in a million years want to get dressed up in a suit and a tie and sit across from the person I promised to love, honor and cherish to end our marriage.

Are you living in a dream world? Perhaps. I feel everything I've proposed is fair, but we're heading to court. Most likely it's because her attorney is telling her she can do better at trial than by settling. Once attorneys are involved "fairness" goes out the window.

[awest1217]

Told H we had to talk, but of course he would only text so I said I need to know what he wants because of financial stuff. I still think it is crap that he complains about giving me $500 and doesn't have enough to move out of his parents when he only has one other bill each month, which is a $200 bill. That means he still is netting $1100 a month...but somehow he has no money...

I just kept asking questions. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay married? Etc. He kept trying to evade the questions, but I just kept asking. Finally he said he didn't want to be married to me and only has stay married because he didn't want to officially leave S and I. I told him he left us April 1, 2009. Then he also said what everyone and I have thought. He doesn't want to D because he wants to still be a family, but he doesn't want to be married. Too bad, you can't have both.

I finished by telling H I am sorry again for specific things. That I love him, and that I want him to file ASAP so we can both be done with this and get a fresh start ASAP.

He never responded once I said sorry and file because he messed up and has nothing to say. I wouldn't be surprised if he and OW get a place together and she just not D her H, or she will D her H and they will be married as soon as both D's are finalized. Oh well...

On with life...

[Lucky11too]

I'm so sorry to hear that Awest. That's a tough one to take. I hope you are doing ok. It's one thing to know it, but another thing to finally have it said aloud (or texted). That's definitely what crashed me last week. As much as I new what was going on and thought I was prepared, when it was finally put out in the open, it feels so crushing.

The only consolation in all this is that you can finally move forward with your life and get off of H's rollercoaster. It's sad though that he just couldn't get over himself to do what was right. There are definitely some tough times ahead with a D, but what you are offering sounds more than fair, so I hope it can go quickly and smoothly. You are a very strong woman, so just continue to keep up your faith and strength.

[awest1217]

I cried a bunch when he first said it, but I was just starting to clean the house so I went into cleaning and added packing more of his stuff to the cleaning. As I did, I felt better. it still hurts, but I will move on. I was about to ask to go over to my brother's, but I got over it pretty quickly. I guess I was more prepared for it than I expected.

Now to see if he actually files because he started the whole leaving thing...he can end it.

[awest1217]

Can't sleep...I know it is early, but I am trying to get back on an earlier schedule before school starts this year because last year kicked my butt. I am sure it is all the emotions still running through me.

I forgot to put in here that S is sleeping in bed with me again. He started it up again last Wednesday. I am thinking it is because he felt abandoned again. He saw H Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday...then nothing and by Wednesday he was feeling bad, especially because not only was H not around, but his cousins left to go home too. It is funny because he clings to anything about H. Pictures, his stuff, even when MIL came over, he just wanted her to stick around. Part of it could just be because he misses being with his friends everyday, but I think he really misses H when he isn't around, or the inconsistency starts.

Back upstairs to try to sleep. Sadly I am going to get a midnight snack because usually a full belly helps me sleep and since I skipped lunch due to H...I guess a few extra calories right now won't hurt anyone.

[ClingingToHope]

I doubt your H will file. He seems to want it both ways -- the family to fall back on and the freedom to do whatever with whoever.

Plus, as you said, he's in a nice spot financially.

I'm guessing you'll have to do it.

[awest1217]

I am not going to do it.

Right now I am so mad. I know the emotions will come and go, but today i am mad almost to the point where I hate H and hope to never see him again. I have been through death and death is much easier than D because with D there is so much more pain to work through.

I told him the longer he draws this out the more i would resent him, and I do. I have absolutely no trust in him to do anything and don't respect him as a person at all.

I am just so angry today!!!!!!!!!

Today I am watching my nephew for a while, tomorrow I think i will go to my work and start organizing stuff there, Thursday i will go to church to start organizing stuff there, and Friday is fun day with S because H will have him for 3 hours Friday night and 10 hours on Saturday, but of course none of it includes doing the hard stuff like taking care of him.

I hate that I have to give up my most prized possession because he decided he didn't want to stay married. He honestly never wanted to be married and never committed to me once. He doesn't care one bit about S like I do, but yet I have to let S go with him. I understand that S loves his dad, but it isn't fair to me. None of this has been fair to me. All I did was try to be a good wife and mother and I get the short end of the straw. I can't believe I was stupid enough to marry him.\

Sorry for the whining, but this is all not fair, which I know you all understand because you have been there. I have done nothing to be treated so poorly.

[Lucky11too]

You have every right to be angry. It's not fair. And it's definitely the short end of the stick when we give our best in life and only get back pain. I understand about S too. It's not fair that our H's get them for fun times when we have raised them and stuck it out thru all the hard times. There is not alot to say b/c everything you have said is spot on and the complete truth - not to continue to flame the anger, but just to let you know I have complete empathy. Take the anger for what it is and then be ready to move past it, so that it doesn't consume you.

If you don't want to be the one to D, then just remove him out of your life completely with your set S schedule as if you were D. At some point though, you may want to file just so you can get the financial support you deserve. These situations are just so awful tho. Why can't our H's be more like us! Grr. It's so exhausberating! =/

[ClingingToHope]

Lucky makes a good point. If you are struggling financially but you won't file for a D then that's your choice. There's nothing forcing him to help other than his conscious -- and he doesn't appear to have one.

You've read my situation and know how much I've been struggling. But I've read a lot of other situations where things improved between the divorcees after the process was finished because everything is spelled out. Each knows what is expected of them.

I'm believing that's what will happen to me. Right now both STBXW are doing what we think is best to protect our financial futures. I don't agree with what she's doing and I'm guessing she doesn't agree with what I'm doing. But now we no longer trust each other so this is the process to figure it out.

I think I've been more than fair with STBXW, but in our brief D interactions all I've gotten from her is that she's angry I'm not paying for home improvements to sell the house and how broke she is.

I understand your anger. And you are right, it isn't fair. This is probably just a down day for you because I haven't sensed anger destroying your life.

If the anger keeps building though then perhaps you should try reading "Forgiveness is a choice." Some day, maybe not soon, but some day you'll have to let a lot of this go or else S is going to see the anger in you and have it pass on to him.