Cause the agreement is week on week off. Unless we ask for exceptions. Which I did.
What could I say.
Personally, I think this is "coached" by OM, etc, because when she asked for the 30th birthday (which would be with them) I informed W I would have D on vacation.
What P's me off is that the destination is 7 hours away by car. So not being able to leave Sat am, I have to leave Mon am (lose two days) and then have to come back a day early.
I just sent an alrenative. I have her back for the Sunday night bu I still leave the Saturday am? I also get to avoid the long weekend traffic.
We'll see.
A little friendy negotiation.
She just sent back "Can we talk about it tomorrow after you work?"
I think I've been doing this wrong. I've been short; terse and unresponsive.
I'm giving her what she was running away from in the first place.
I've been missing the "lovingly" part of detached the whole time and believe I have pushed her even deeper at OM.
Her tone in the text made me feel pretty bad at the end. Though maybe SHE started feeling the guilts for being so hardball on my initial request.
I know, I know. Mindreading.
I need more detail and assistance on lovingly detaching because it struck me when my daughter spilled something. I said her name loudly and she got all quiet and said "Don't spank me"
So I sat on the floor and asked her to come sit with me. I told her that if she needs help to lift something to ask daddy. I'm not mad. Just say you're sorry"
THAT's how I need to be except for the touching?
But it seems a pretty emotional state, no?
i don't know anymore. but if W senses the anger or harshness in my words, she really back off. And I don't want that.
I wouldn't worry too much about the texts and how you came across in them. A lot of texts come off that way, esp. ones men write because you guys are so much more factual than us!
Having said that, I don't think it's wrong for you to be "brief" and making her wonder if something is up. The whole idea right now is to get her guessing about your mindset...
Now: as for the loving part of all this and showing her your non-gruff side... that's a play by play kind of thing. I do know how you feel! Not sure whether you're supposed to be acting kinder in showing a 180 or whether you're supposed to be tougher in detaching and letting go. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation!
Just becauase you are brief or quiet doesn't mean she's gonig to think you are a monster... Women love using the silent treatment and that just causes us panic lol
Good thing I did because I just lost all of the last paragraph I just typed! At least it wasn't the whole thing! I swear, this laptop makes me want to throw it at times because I have no idea what the heck keys I'm hitting to make it just delete everything I just wrote! SOO frustrating...but back to point:
You can't know for sure if OM is coaching her or not and it really doesn't matter. If there is an agreement in place that's all well and good, but there are always exceptions. I think your showing flexibility and willingness to compromise is a good thing in the "loving", better you - a 180. If before you were stubborn and insistent, then this is a good way of showing a change. Not saying you were, but just an example.
The "new you" is definitely one where you want to be approachable, esp. with your daughter. When I started all of this with my H, I learned to watch my tone around the kids because I didn't realize I could get so snappy! I tried to be as pleasant to them as I could, and not just for H's sake, but for their sake. But YES, he did take notice.
At the same time, I had laid down the law with him that if he was going to be sending or receiving inappropriate text messages, he needed to go ahead and get that apt he'd been talking about! I didn't lay it down as an ultimatum, but a quiet assertion of self respect. I stated that any road that was heading down the path of pursuing a R outside of the M was not condusive to the family's wellbeing and he should not be here if he insisted on keeping it up. Now, I have no evidence that he has not been texting, and have been trying to collect intel, so I can't know for sure. BUT...his treatment of me is way better, he is no longer talking about wanting out, etc.. It certainly does not appear that he is still up to no good, but the verdict is out. (And I'm also in a state of limbo as to how to treat him because I don't know the exact climate of the true sitch - but that's my issue, not yours.)
What's the point? You don't have to act like a hard a$$ to play hardball!
