okaaaaayyyy. I have now caught up to your sitch and my first question is (no anger here, just curious): what makes you say I remind you of your wife? seriously?
Trying to scan through and address some random stuff. I know you said you don't want anything 'harsh' or 'tough love', but we can't effectively help you without telling you plainly what we see and think is good for you. If that sounds 'harsh' because it's not what you want to hear, well, I'm not sure what to say. I'll give you a ((((hug)))) first, just in case- none of this is meant to be harsh; it's meant to help you take care of yourself and chart a healthy direction.:
- where are your kid(s?)? Are you seeing them? She sounds completely unstable- you seem like you're not in great shape and I'm worried- who are these kids with? Are you guys focusing on them as a priority? I'm not criticizing, just concerned since you've barely mentioned them and things seem so chaotic- to focus on them can give you a purpose for living and stopping craziness, if anything can . So, they may help you as much as you can help them now. - you said you didn't think she was in pain. Re-read what you wrote about her behavior- pills, crying, hysteria, marrying some stranger- does that sound like someone who's NOT in pain? - You need to take a deep breath and step back. Set up some major boundaries and revert to some basic survival techniques- folks have given you really good input here: - see your therapist- twice a week if you have to. If they aren't helping, find a new one. - get out of the house as much as you can to focus on GAL and being enveloped in your support system. - Figure out what your kids need right now and make sure they're taken care of- it helps them and gives you a daily purpose. - take your meds if they're prescribed. If it's been longer than 6 weeks (it hasn't, has it?) and they're not helping, go back ASAP and talk with your doc about upping the dosage or switching meds. - exercise- it's a mood booster and good for you. - make sure you are eating right and regularly. I can't tell you how much it will help if you make sure of this- your brain and heart need good food to make rational decisions and fight through this. - you wrote: "The date last night helped. Self esteem takes along time to achieve. ....Heck, my ex is married, my self esteem is not going to go up because I start liking myself one day. It will go up when i forget about my R and move on. "
My concern is that you are equating your self-esteem with a W loving you- that's what "moving on" means to you. Is that fair to say? Have you discussed this with your IC? Nothing will happen suddenly one day. And if the s-e happens b/c of a new relationship, it is not REAL or lasting. Only you can do that, alone, for yourself. Are you worth it? Do you love yourself enough to do this? Are you prepared to work on it, work for it?
- I hear you go back and forth with "I'm not going to contact her", etc. but then in the next breath you've not only had contact, but she's dragged you back down into the insanity. I think you need to stop this. If you want this woman back ever, you need to make sure you take care of yourself now and allow her to feel the consequences of her decisions. - I also hear you say very wise, coherent things like "She made her choice and it wasn't me so i don't need to dignify her with any kind of response from me or any chasing or pleading. Now it is time to move forward." THAT you need to print out and stick on your wall and read it every day. - Then, I see things like a couple days ago where she called you, etc. First of all- the way to avoid getting sucked in is that you DON'T take her calls. You let it go to vmail and decide if it's crazy- then you hit delete. Or if not, you think very hard about whether you want to respond and how. You can always respond later- but once you do, you can't take it back.
The fact that she called you in that state, then texted later (or let her H, which means she told him everything) and mentioned the police, etc. means she is not in her right mind now. You cannot have a logical, productive "conversation" with someone like this, and she shows NO evidence of wanting to change herself, pursue a sane, healthy R with you, or get un-married. Any of those things - concrete proof of them- would be signs that she is even a tiny bit ready to move forward with you. I don't see any. And the more you let her in, listen to her, the longer it's going to take for you to heal and grow. Do you want a R with someone who is acting like this? Nevermind what is underneath- the only thing you can base decisions on now is who she is being now. If you can list the ways in which having an R with her in her state is a positive thing for YOU, I'd like to read them.
Where is this coming from: "I am being stupid am I not. I should just let it go. I just really love this women. She is not good for me and she is married to someone she doesn't even know. I was her husband for 9 years. This is really stupid that some guy that met her 15 days ago is telling me to stay away. Hell, I am staying away."
Sometimes you're able to be so clear with stuff like that but then you take her calls? That doesn't make sense. I know you love her, but to have any chance of getting her back, you need to let go now. It's counter-intuitive, but if you read through a lot more threads here, you will see that this is the only thing that can work, if it even does.
"I just told her if she is happy then stay, if she is not come home. just reading this makes me sick that I am so stupid to consider. She is not good for me .... she wouldn't even stand up and tell him how much she was saying she loved me. But is she right for me. ... is she just a messed up crazy? "
You have answered all of your questions with your own posts.
Look, I can feel your pain coming off every page you write. I have been in the depths of depression myself, so I know of what I speak. I have been in the place where it seems like there is no choice but to end it, permanently. But the way to end that pain is not A) ending your life B) trying to convince her to come back to you or C) listening to the crazy-making and trying to reason with it. It is to GAL, work on yourself, take steps back and set clear boundaries that give you the space and time to find yourself, feel good about yourself, and when you do, decide if this is something you really want.
If you want this woman back ever, you need to make sure you take care of yourself now and allow her to feel the consequences of her decisions. I have not. She called again today asking for money, yes, I sent her some. I know the answers to everybodyes questions on this site and then I don't follow it. I told her that I was going on with my life and she said that i should move on it would be the best thing, i never wanted to hurt you after I told her she broke my heart. All this in a text. I don't know if she loves me, she says she does, she says she is misrable, I told I would come get her but she hasn't ask for that. She told me I would never forgive her and I said I already had. I have to let this go but I am not. I am unhealthy. I am sick. She doesn't love me even though she says she does. I have to get that through my head. Yes, I wanted to die, I am still very unhappy. I will not take her calls anymore. She won't calll for awhile anyhow. Her husband grabed her phone when I texted, that is how he read it. I don't think that she is happy, but I don't think that she want to be with me and that makes me sad. I know pretty sure that her R will not work. I just make it easier by telling her how much I care for her to stay. That way she knows that I am always there. It is wrong and I know it.
Nikita thank you so much for your letter. It meant so much to me. I was so helpful. It made me feel good. You are right. You are a good friend. Thank you.
Why on earth did you send her money? That's what her H is for. Stop bailing her out. You're just enabling her more. The faster she hits absolute rock bottom the better.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No, I wrote on your post once, and no you don't remind me of her I don't know what the heck I was talking about. Please don't take offense even thought I can see how comparing you to a crazy person would make you wonder if I was cutting you down, I was not trying to be mean. I just was thanking you. Everyone that trys to help me I consider a friend. I am so screwed up I can't talk to my friends in real life-they would want to kill me for thinking the way I do. They don't even know the story-they think that we just broke up again, like we have been doing for years, break up and then get back together. I still love this girl. I know that it is stupid. I am smart(grad student almost done with MBA), I have no trouble getting dates so I guess I am not ugly, I have a cool job(golf pro) I have lots of friends, good family, make lots of money but I work two full time jobs. I know that my ex is mentally ill. Heck, I have become that way on this whole marriage to someone else thing. I have done everything wrong. She has been calling and crying and saying that she made the biggest mistake of her life and that there is no way that I could ever forgive her. Yes, she is using me. She doesn't try to talk to very long but I know that she is not happy with her current marriage. I want her to be better. I really loved this girl. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see her even though she looks aweful because of the pills she has been taking. I want to help but I can not. Yes, I sent her the money, yes, I did say why doesn't you husband give you some money. I will not do it again. Yes, she tells me that I don't deserve someone as screwed up as her, I deserve someone normal but when she calls I feel good. I am childlike mentally. I do still have some hope that we can make a go of this. I know that she will not stay married to this guy. They are having all kind of problems. I know that I do not want her back in the condition that she is in. When she calls, I have been answering, and then I have been texting her 7 to 12 times about how I screwed up treating her bad and how I loved her and how I would change. She knows that I will not let her do the pain pills at my house. Both her parents have kicked her out of their houses because of the pills. I paid for rehab 3 or 4 times. You do pick who you love but I still do love her. I have a lot of fond memories. Yes, she has been manipulating me, treating me not like a man but I havn't been acting like one either. Yes, I would like to help her. She is very close to hitting rock bottom. She calls and tells me how she made a mistake but she doesn't ask me to come get her which I would do at this point. Yes, I know that is crazy to you people. Hell, it is crazy to me but this girl used to be a sweet, inocent nice girl, I still remember the girl I fell in love with. We went on vacation in May. She was not on the pills then and she was great, I loved her, and I believe that she loved me. She is not capable of love right now. She loves the pills that is why I know her current R will not work. I think(and i know it is dumb and a bad choice) that I want to be there to pick up the pieces. I love our daughter. She is with her grandparents thank God, neither of us are fit to raise a child right now. I am admiting that. I have been answering her calls but I am not going to anymore. It throws me into a tailspin. It makes me feel good and then I start begging and pleading for her to come back. I don't know why I am so damn weak or how I got to be so insecure. I was not this way until she married someone else. I was really trying to get over it and go on with my life but I did always have this hope that she would get cured one day and we would get back together and have a family. If fact, it was not really a hope, I just thought that it would happen. We had been together so long, broke up and then got back together. I thought that we were just destained to always be together. I don't think that she loves me anymore. I don't think that she loves anyone in this world. I think that she just wants to dull the pain of her life with pills so that she doesn't have to think about anything. I know that my posts are nuts. Sorry, I still want you guys help. I still love this disfunctional girl. I am going to counselling, I quite gambling, I have stopped drinking liquor, I still drink some beer, I have gotten on an antidepressant(should have been on one my whole life). I am treating people nicer at the golf course, I have cleaned up my language. These changes are not for her but for me. I needed to work on myself and no, I am not fixed. I used to be a really nice person and most people still think that I am. She used to be a really nice person and most that know her do not think that she is. Matters not, I am going on with my life but I will be there for her when push comes to shove. If she gets divorced which she will, I want to be the one she comes running back to which I am sure she will. I know that I have to get myself healthy first to even deal with her. I am trying. She was a good person before these pills. She is aweful, self centered, extremly depressed and could care less about anyone now. Her own child doesn't live with her. So, don't think that I am defending her or me. We are not good people at the present time. So, my question, I want her back some day. I want to have a better marriage than we have. She told me that she didn't think I would ever forgive her. It will take some counseling for me to but I think I can. She used to make me happy when she wasn't pilling out which she twists off about once a year. It has been almost 10 years now. I don't want to give up on her but I know that I have to save myself first. I am doing that. I am going to cut the rope and not help her anymore with money or emotional support. Is this right. I know the money thing is. I think that she can be good again-I know that I can be. So, I know to stop the pleading and begging and giving her anything. What else? You can call me nuts if you want-I know that it is to still want her. It is not sex or lust, like I said she doesn't look that good anymore. It may be memories of yesteryears when we did have a good relationship, it may be that we do have a daughter, I really can't identify why I would like to have a relationship with her. She was truely my best friend-I know her deepest secrets and she knows mine. We used to lay in bed and talk all night about life. Like I said, she may not even love me anymore. She is definninatly using me right now to lean on for ego support and money which I said that I am cutting off. So, what is the next step for me?
You answered your own question. Get professional help for yourself. Stop the dating for now and build up your self-esteem alone. Stop depending on others to make you happy. Normally it would be okay to go out and see other people, but you were a hair away from offing yourself.
Not a good place to be. Build yourself up and then you'll get the healthy relationship you're looking for. Either with your XW or someone else.
And stop texting and calling her. She's got to go and grow up too. Let her hit rock bottom.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know that this is the most insane post on the site right now. Quick refresh, we have divorced twice, broke up in January but was not married then, I started dating several girls much younger than me which hurt my ex pretty bad, I even let one live with me for a couple of weeks, she lived with her parents, we tried to work it out, went on a trip in May, great trip and said that we would get married again but she didn't believe that I was going to because i put it off for over a year before, because she had been wanting me to marry her, her dad got sick and she went to Austin in june, dad's friend gave her some pills and she started taking them everyday again. She has had a pill problem most of our marriage. We had a small arguement and I called her an idiot. She met a guy and married him after knowing him for a couple of weeks. She got married and got straight on a plane and came home for doctors appointment. I found out about marrige and was shocked, this was not like her at all, we are not jerry springer people(or we didn't use to be) We spent three days together and she said she screwed up and would get it annulled that she didnt know what she had done. We made love a couple of times, I bought her a bunch of clothes, we fought a lot about this new marriage. she wanted me to quit my jobs and move to austin, i can't, her parents got mad at her and told her she had to leave because of the pills that she was on, she stays up all night, they put her on a plane and sent her to new husband. I called and begged her to come back, she said she was happy and wanted to start her new life so I left her alone. 5 days later she calls crying saying that she made the biggest mistake of her life and that I would never forgive her and that she loved me. I told her I already did forgive her and begged her to come home or I would go get her, she did not come, saying that she was scared that i would be mean to her and things would go back to the way we used to live(fighting) i texted her like 10 times telling her how much she meant to me. She calls two days later(today) crying and saying she had no money for cigs or anything, new husband has 3 kids and she says she is just his maid and that they don't talk or show any affection and that she is miserable, she asks me to please send her money, i refuse at first and then i send her some, not nearly as much as she wanted, I text and call her a ton after this, she is crying and saying that I am pressuring her but that she loves me but that I deserve better and I should just move on. I told her I had a right to know her plans, she said she was not going to stay that she didn't even know this guy and they always fighting which I know is true. She text me not to call or text her anymore so I call and ask her what that meant-she said that it just means today not ever. Her husband gets little mad when she talks to me understandably and he is home at night. She said she was not happy. So, I didn't text or call anymore tonight and don't plan on answering anymore of her calls, just let them go to voice mail. I think I have to stay out of it until she leaves him, which hell she might not ever do but I really think that she will. That is pretty much the story up til now. Stupid I know but this girl was very much in love with me in May, I am pretty sure that she did. She was not cheating with this guy. She really did not know him. There is no way they could have know each other. No possible way. I think, and you aren't suppose to read minds-that she was so sick of getting hurt by me that she thought if she just married someone else that we would quit breaking up and getting back together and that it was some sort of closure for her. I know she regrets getting married to him but I don't think that she thought I was the right guy to marry either even though she says that she wants to be with me soon. Well, I told her i would come get her but she declined. She thinks that I am that bad to her.
. So, they may help you as much as you can help them now.