Have to share, my PMA is sky high. Last night I went to a college basketball game by myself. People, plans fell through so I decided to go by myself, step out of my box, just do it. I had rockstar parking that my boss had given to me, right next to the building.
I was a little nervous, well really not. But I paid very attention to my self-talk. I stood in line, there is always a line. I was a little self conscious about the fact that I was alone, it wasn't too bad. I kept telling myself, nobody knows that I'm here by myself, I could be meeting someone, someone could be meeting me here. I get in the building go to my seat, I really don't have a problem with walking by myself through the building to my seat. I get to my section, sit in my seat. I then get into my self talk again, people around me must be wondering why I'm here by myself, then say to myself they don't know, someone could be meeting me here. My body language says, relaxed, doesn't matter either way I'm here and I'm going to enjoy the game. I did look at my watch a few times, just to make people think that maybe I was waiting for someone to come. The game started, I enjoyed the game, it really didn't matter that I was there by myself, it doesn' matter what other people think either. I'm not that important that other people are going to spend more than a second saying to themselves "I wonder why she's here by herself" "poor thing she had to come by herself" "I know I'd never go to a game by myself" and why not? It is more fun to go with another person or couple, but why can't we do something by ourselves just because we want to. Besides everybody there was there to watch the game, they're there because they love the sport and that was the reaason I was there.
In the past I've always been a very self-conscious person and it has faded since the bomb. I wanted to leave the game early, it was a blow out and so wanted to beat the traffic. I don't like getting up during a game as I feel like all attention is focused on me, I literally am frozen in fear. Self-talk, everyone will look at me, I don't want everyone looking at me...this is usually what goes through my head, I'll just stay till the end even though I want to leave now, don't want to be the center of attention. Last night I talked back to that fear, told myself, I am going to get up, relax and smile and make my way out of my section, let people look at me and I did and it was great!!! Walked through the building to my car with a smile on my face. I did it, I conquered that fear and it feels great. My H is going to not believe I went by myself either, part of the reason I did go to the game by myself was so that my H knew I went by myself and that I will continue to venture out there alone or with friends. I didn't talk to anyone, was more working on me and my fears of being there, IF I do go alone again, that will be my next step.
Yippee!! I apologize for the long post, but I wanted it all here as this was really a huge step for me.
Life is good. Life is great. Life is what we make of it.
