Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Listened to H's voicemail, really wishing I hadn't. He's working on paperwork for the divorce, is going to file constructive abandonment. He said he's willing to be the bad guy, say that he's the one withholding sexual relations but he needs to know if I'm going to sign or not so he can get the paperwork prepared and submitted and signed, over and done with to hopefully move on.

I don't think that he can file with himself as the one withholding sex, I think it has to be me filing against him. But I'll let him find that out for himself.

If he files and serves me now, I'm not signing. I'm not at the point of letting go enough to sign. It really is like twisting the knife in my heart that he's pursuing this. I believe so strongly that we were meant to be together, that he's going to come back. I still get the word patience running through my head when I pray for him to return.

[Mystik]

DS called H again, H had him pester me to talk. In the interests of not having DS be in the middle I took the phone, said, "I have nothing more to say to you on that subject" and gave it back to DS. Apparently he didn't get the hint because he's called my cell phone three times and my house phone twice. Just blocked his home number on my house phone, wish I could block it on my cell. And now he's just tried to call my house phone from his phone.

Wow, I knew he had a hard head but really?

[bluestar]

I think some of this is pressure from OW but it also sounds like his talk with the C didn't go the way he wanted. You said she was on board with H leaving the family, not just you. I think she could have called him on some of his BS and that's why the sudden change in D filing.

You said he wanted to use We the People. You could probably give them a call to at least check to see if he can file that way. You do not have to accept his timeline or sign anything that you're not ready to. However, you might want to seek some legal advice because it does sound like very soon you will have to deal with the papers, ready or not.

[Mystik]

Bluestar, I have a lawyer on stand-by. No doubt most of the pressure is from the whore, I can only imagine the names she's calling me because I'm not doing what she wants. She shouldn't have stolen my husband. And I'm sure he didn't like hearing what DS's counselor had to say. I'll have to call We the People tomorrow and see what they say about him filing with him as the bad guy, and what do they do if the spouse refuses to sign.

[bluestar]

Depending on the results of your call, you might consider coming up with a script for a text or email to H stating your position re: the D.

Something like: I can appreciate that things for you have changed a great deal and you are no doubt feeling pressure to change our situation. However, you made certain promises to me that have been broken with recent events. I cannot be forced into making life altering decisions regarding the future of our family while still reeling from the pain that you caused. I do not intend to sign any paperwork at this time.

At least that might keep him from calling so much for awhile. By the way, since you've said that you have financial and visitation agreements in place, how will the D paperwork affect your situation?

[CityGirl]

Please do talk to your attny before you refuse to sign. If you refuse to sign for the papers in the 20 day span the law requires you will be required, via the courts, to have judicial intervention. At that point the judge will decide it all and the fact that you would not sign the papers won't bode well for you at all. IMO (please talk to your attny) it would be better to sign the papers and counter his suit. Basically if you are required to attend judicial intervention it means you refuse to comply with the law.

Most of the stories I have heard of We The People are nightmares for residents of NY.

[Mystik]

bluestar ~ H finally got the hint and left me alone, we'll see how long it lasts. Should he start getting annoying again I'll simply text him that he should do what he needs to and I'll do what I need to and leave it at that. As to what the papers will change, we'll no longer be married, we'll just be another broken home, another statistic. And I always believed we were too strong to end up like that. I still love him and believe that with time and work our marriage can still be saved.

CG ~ I will definitely be talking to my lawyer in depth about the pros and cons of not signing when the time comes.

[Mystik]

Found out why H wanted to talk to me so bad last night. I listened to his voice mail and answering machine messages from last night this morning. He said he had a question regarding therapy for DS that he e-mailed me yesterday but wasn't sure if I had returned to work after the session and to please call him and stop avoiding him. Naturally I didn’t call him. Got to work this morning and read his e-mail. I am starting to think he has some sort of mental or emotional deficiency that he honestly can't tell what lines he's crossing or how much he's hurting me. This is his message:

What do you think about having a group appointment with DS? Because that is a very big part of the issue, I think it would be a good idea for it to be DS with you, me & OW.

My response was very simple: "No." Not sure if he got it or not, he didn't e-mail me back.

Called We the People this morning. The people there are very pro-divorce, she wasn’t quite sure what to make of me saying I didn't want a divorce. The woman I spoke to was somewhat helpful. Said H cannot file as the plaintiff and accuse himself of constructive abandonment. I asked what happens if I refuse to sign and she said there is a way to get a default divorce and depending on circumstances they may be able to assist him with filing for that. But it would be best for me to consult a lawyer to see what my options are regarding refusing to sign. So I e-mailed my lawyer saying that when I get served I would be enlisting her services, but right now I was curious as to what could legally happen to me if I refused to sign. She said, "If you refuse to sign then it becomes a contested divorce proceeding and you would have to appear in front of a judge. If you are contesting grounds but the grounds are true a judge will not be happy. But if you are honestly disputing the grounds in good faith then you are entitled to do that." So I guess if/when I get served and sit down with her I will have to go more in depth on this question.

[Mystik]

I am in full survival-only mode it feels like. I just go through the motions of getting up, showered, dressed, go to work, function on auto-pilot through the day at work, then go home and take care of DS until bed time. This repeats each day, I'm like a robot with no emotional range. Now and then the hurt pushes through the numbness and I cry a bit, but mostly I'm just incapable of feeling emotion. If DS pushes me then I get upset and his melt downs cause me to practically melt down but I usually just get so frustrated I want to walk away, I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I know that I need to be there for him but I can't even manage to be there for myself. I am emotionally checked out of my life. I miss my H. I miss being part of his day to day life. I saw a state exam announcement today and my first instinct was to contact him because I know he would be interested in that particular exam, but I had to stop myself. He took that right for me to call him away from me. He took it all away from me, all my dreams and beliefs of the future, of our future together. Gone.

[Mystik]

Of course H can't do a simple exchange. With DS in the car with me, he leans in and says it will be 6-9 months for the no-fault divorce but as for at-fault there are a few options. I said I had nothing more to say on that subject and he replied that was not true. I said I told him I don't want it and I don't know what I'm going to do, that was all I had to say. He asked if I was going to get a lawyer, I told him that I don't know what I'm going to do. He said, more like stated, asking if I am purposely being as ambiguous and uncoooperative as possible.

Then he brought up therapy, said that after DS gets a few more sessions under his belt he thinks it would be a good idea to incorporate other people. I said if he wants to do that during his sessions with DS that's his choice but I didn't feel it was necessary. He said, almost incredulous, "You don't think other people impact your relationship with DS?" and I simply repeated I did not see the need to incorporate anyone else into DS's sessions.

He went to leave then ducked back into the car to ask why I'm in the bathroom every time he calls. I said that I've had an upset stomach and he made a "yeah right" sound so I told him I had my period and he knows how that upsets my stomach. (Hey, push me for an answer and I'll give it even though you may not like it.) He said this has gone on for longer than a period lasts and shut the door.

So now I'm home with DS cuddling while we watch Penguins from Madagascar and then it's off to bed for us.