And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Sorry, PEI. Just bein' honest.

Puppy

As if honesty is a problem, really Puppy? Apologizing for speaking your truth? I wouldn't post it if I didn't expect honesty in people's comments.

I really debated posting, because honestly, I figured this was the response I would get. And my thoughts were ... well let it come, read it, look for the truth, wear it and see how it fits. The more you guys question and challenge me, the more thinking I do and the more clarity I get.

I read it all. Twice. And I'm looking for the sting Jack, I really am. And it's just not there.

I'm just gonna make a few points about stuff I think was misunderstood. Hmmmm ... I'm guessing that'll be seen as defensive again, but what the heck ... it's how I roll...

missher ... I haven't closed the door on my marriage. I stopped standing on the threshold trying to entice him back through, and I closed it over, I didn't shut it tight. I've said it before, it's not my door to close.

Eric ... I'm not suppressing anger, really I'm not. I let it out in spades. And it consumed me. So now I'm learning that I can have some, and acknowledge it, without it raging out of me. And I get that my "plan" seemed to change overnight ... that's why I tried to explain the process that happened within me ... the understanding and clarity. My plan was always to support him and love him unconditionally, I just finally understood what that meant.

I'm sure that you are not implying that I made my choice to "not stand" lightly, because I can assure you that I did not. The best interests of my children are always my priority. Always. See that's the thing ... letting my H decide what he wants to do is EXACTLY my point.

breal ... I would agree with your friend, without a crystal ball you can't say the door is closed forever IMO.

J3B ...

Using it as an excuse to move past your marriage however, and justifying it that you two never really belong together and you just 'flicked' on the lightswitch of enlightenment after 15 years of marriage?

Here's where I really started to look for the sting ... expected it even. And it didn't come. I'm not saying we never belonged together, in fact we probably could have made it work and been reasonably happy.

I am glad that you admitt to showing us what we know about you. : )

I'm not sure what you're getting at here ^^^^

I do not want your thanks if your chocie is hasty and ill thought out. I do not want your thanks for bad judgement because it feels like control to you.

Were you really wrong for 15 years?

I doubt that, I ultimately think, that you are letting your fear control you, and convincing yourself otherwise.

I wouldn't want thanks in those situations either. This is far from ill thought out ... just the opposite actually. Wrong for 15 years? No. But not right either. We just were. Some good times, some great times, some bad times and some really awful times. I wouldn't trade them for anything, they gave me one of my best friends and three beautiful kids. Ultimately those 15 years led me to this experience. That's life. Oh, and this is the first time in months that I haven't been rules and driven by fear. I can appreciate that you, and most on here, believe that I have deceived myself ... I would too in your position. I happen to respectfully disagree

Twink ...

I know because I started down PEI's thought path briefly, then stopped myself and promptly turned around. I realized that I was only lying to myself to make this easier.

How do you see my thought path Twink? I'm curious because there is nothing easy about the path I've chosen.

Grit ... hey man! Again, I almost didn't post it because I thought it would be interpreted as 'defensive'. Really it's not, but to each his own ... I guess only time will tell eh! I really like to just get it out, explain myself, not defend myself ... because I do feel misunderstood perhaps (completely understandable), but not defensive. That did come from my core. And yes, I spend a lot of time in the mirror ... honesty is the only option, with myself, with H, with you guys. Without it, I risk regrets.

Eric ... I get it. No regrets. And I have none.

I know ONE thing..and that is that it is time for ME to live and for my W to live. If that means apart then so be it. If that means that she will change her mind...well I will cross that bridge when and if it happens.

Honey, I couldn't agree with you more! And on this too ...

She has changed - so have I. We both are very different people. She has decided to file. She made her decision. She owns it. I made a decision as well. To live life to the fullest. To live my life with no regrets. That is not to say I will not nor have not made mistakes.

This isn't about giving up on H, it's about really seeing him and respecting him and loving him. Loving him enough to want him to be happy even if that means leaving me. Loving him enough to not ask him to change to be what I need (and that's not to say he can't or won't change, just that I won't ask that of him, if he changes it has to be for himself). Loving him enough to let him go, without anger, resentment or bitterness.

YOu will want to defend yourself - you don't have to. Only do what YOU want to do and DO IT with NO REGRETS.

I do not want to defend myself. And I know I don't have to. These are my choices and my decisions and I am living without regrets. I really am. Trust me.


breal ... I'm breathing, and smiling. I know they care, it's why they all invest their time and energy posting to strangers on a website. There is no reason other than they care. And really, if it stung then I would have to look at it ... that's why I welcome it.

Thank you, all of you.
Peace
PEI