This is a domestic war zone and there are gonna be casualties.. She took the brunt of the hit today man... she did not you... SHE lost her affair partner AND had to retreat from her home...
But my IC always says that there are 1 million other men in the area, most of which would be willing to have sex with a completely willing woman. Or pursue her. He keeps telling me that I have to be the BEST option and that I can't keep away EVERY other man.
I mean she said "All I wanted was some FUN with him. That's it". But I KNOW she's lying because she did internet searches of "how to get a guy" and "how to get to a guy's heart".
When I exposed LAST time, about the 3rd week after when she was realizing that he might not contact her back, she started to setup a profile on eHarmony.
Plus they are always friends "setting her up".
And she has explicitly told her mom that the house is no longer a HOME, and it's just a house that can be sold.
And she also says that these new "changes" in my life aren't worth crap because I went ahead and did this.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
QS, i think you know most if not all of that is crap.
She's angry, that's a given... She's gonna be angry...
You need to ask yourself this :
Would things have gotten any better if I HADN'T exposed and just let her type away to other men night after night?
Exposure isn't about winning your partner back. Exposure is about winning your dignity and self-respect back.
Once you have that, you CAN fight for a marriage. You can't fight for a marriage while your spouse is treating you like a doormat. You know that. It's not sexy or attractive.. And it won't get you were you want to be.
When infidelity starts you have two routs to go here :
a. Let my wife walk all over me and the marriage is out the door b. Win your self-respect and the marriage can go ether way
Once your wife decides to disrespect you and TEAMS UP with a third party to bully you and your dignity covertly over the PC night after night you have to decide what's most important to you :
a. Your dignity b. Your wife
You can lose b, I know it's hard, but you gotta be prepared to roll the dice on that...
YOu can hand her your balls on a platter if you want. She may just run off and have sex and have a whild time beating your confidence senseless for three years or more and after THAT she MIGHT come back to you... But do you REALLY think she's gonna have respect for you after beating you to a pulp month after month?
This is BULLYING here and you have to deal with it ... You can stand there and be bullied or you can speak up for yourself and deal with the consequences.
SeeingRed's thread is a great example of this... She's been fighting for three years.. Her Husband has done a SERIOUS number on her... And even KNOW after waiting for over THREE YEARs she's STILL not sure if her H is gonna come back or pursue OW into marriage to keep her around...
You STOPPED her from disrespecting you in your home. That is more important and THAT was the objective.
If she or her mother says something at this point you just have to respond :
"I stand by what I did. I will not be ridiculed in my own home. That is incredibly disrespectful and you can do a hell of a lot better. I am being a civlized adult here and I expect the same. If it isn't offered then I am going to pursue it until I have it. No one should be bullied in their own home. You had the walk of the hosue here and complete civility by me. You abused that to disrespect me and to lie to me. I am NOT going to be your doormat or anyone's doormat."
QS: You are emotional and over-thinking, it is perfectly understandable. Vent - share your feelings - it's good for you. Just don't act on them, for heaven's sake.
If it helps, I will share a little about my first marriage. I've posted about it other places but don't know if you've read any of those. H#1 (who I was with about 7 years total) had a PA. When I found out about it, I moved out, that very night.
There was a lot of back and forth (wish I'd known more about exposing and dealing with A's back then!) but in the end, I played hardball. It ended up that I was the one that was done - and he was begging me to give him another chance. I couldn't do it. (We had no kids and I was ready to move on. We did not want the same kind of lifestyle...)
Now: my X was one that was very prone to fits of anger during the confrontations, ESPECIALLY when I stood up for myself and showed self respect and held his feet to the fire! I was the type - as you are right now - that worried if I had gone to far, after the fact. I worried that he would run right into the arms of the OW or someone else. However, I did not give in. I cried a lot - prayed a lot - spent a lot of sleepless nights - but I did not give in to that fear. When he was reasonable, I would respond with loving toughness...but I did not back down on my stance of self respect. One day, I got a huge confirmation that I had done the right thing - months after all the turmoil. He wrote me a letter telling me that I was right - that I was the strong one, not him. That his anger was his trying to get me to fall back in line with letting him have his way in the whole situation - to play both sides of the fence. He was sorry. He said and did some awful things, btw: at my apartment, at my job, with my family... He even accused ME of cheating on HIM!
Anyway, the point is - I heard much worse from him than you are hearing right now yet in the end, HE wanted to reconcile and I did not - even after the divorce was official! His actions, as well as that letter, confirmed that all his words and actions were just a smokescreen. I was so glad I had not given in when I wanted to run apologize or beg or plead. The only time for any of that is when the WAS is fully ready to commit to the M and do WHATEVER it takes.
Read DB or DR: what your W is saying is classic: "If only you hadn't done THIS... Now you've ruined it..."
I know the process hurts. It isn't for cowards or else everyone would do it and a lot of crap would end! Take heart that you have done the right thing - the ONLY thing that can save your marriage.
Do you REALLY think she's just gonig to go on the internet and "have a good time" and then come BACK and work on her marriage?
These are escape strategies... you've been reading SomeGuy's thread so you KNOW this...
WOmen and men will try to trivialize their affair and the chit chat and claim "I would have worked with you but not NOW that you violated MY privacy"... They will threaten and range and everything else... But the fact is that road is NOT a healthy one and there' divorce on the end of it anyways.
You can let them have the run of the town and wait it out in silence and HOPE to GOD they decide after all that running around that YOU are a GREAT guy and they come back... But I have serious doubts that will work...
It MIGHT work if there's kids involved... You also have to decide how much BS you can take. Don't be fooled. This IS bullying.. She's pushing you into a corner and trying to hurt you to get a kick out of it to make HER feel better...
Do you think being her punching bag for a few weeks and letting her run around in singles bars is giong to win her back...?
Nope... Not from what I have read or seen here...
What SHE wants is for YOU to work on the marriage while SHE sabotages it beyond repair.
WOmen and men will try to trivialize their affair and the chit chat and claim "I would have worked with you but not NOW that you violated MY privacy"...
Oh that was the FIRST exposure. AFTER that one she said she was COMPLETELY DONE, and only stayed in the house because of financial reasons.
Then she kept pursuing the OM and they started up again. Then I RE-EXPOSED. When she found out, that is when today she went to her friends and gave me the selling ultimatum.
She said "We aren't together anymore, so you could have taken the high road with him".
"I only wanted some FUN with him. If not him, then some other guy will blank me".
"You just don't get that this marriage is over. I am NOT coming back, and SOME OTHER guy will want me".
ect, ect, ect.
Oh in her mind she is so far out the door on the marriage that ANYTHING is ok to do with other men. She is REALLY sexually frustrated, and WILL use the opportunity of living out of the house to have sex.
That is why I am worried about her living on her own. She has sexually matured over the years, and her sex drive has peaked. Some of the conversation with the OM lead me to believe that she is ready to really experiment sexually.
I don't see how that helps me have ANY chance of saving my marriage, especially when she is soooooo far gone.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/13/1012:05 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
She's trying to get things back where they were still... Living at home with you STILL... so she can USE your money, LIE to you, and have SEX chats in private...
You have a choice to make
a. Let her live with you in an open marriage b. Let her live elsewhere in an open marriage
You think she's gonig to be HONEST with you THIS time if you took her back? If you said
"OK if you agree to respect me and be fully honest with me I will allow you to live here with me"
Well, I can tell you: being a doormat and letting her cake eat and disrespect you would give you 0 chance of saving your marriage. 0!
Love must be free: the last thing a "trapped partner" wants is the other one trying to keep them trap. You have to open the cage door and let them go... It's your ONLY chance. Read Dobson!
