I had a hard time separating the two as I had them wrapped up into a nice neat bundle...
but there is a difference (in my humble opinion and strongly based on my Christian beliefs)...as a parent you have a God given obligation to your children...no matter how tough things get you don't leave them and you never stop loving them or replace them with "new" children...
Being a spouse you still have a God given obligation to love, honor and respect your spouse...however, there are somethings that even God recognizes that would sever that bond...doesn't mean you have to take that route but it is there...adultery being one...but as I said, depending on the situation you don't have to automatically sever the marriage...you do however have a decision to make...I chose to stand and be ready to work things out when/if he returned...but, as I stated before I gave my all this time and if he was repeat it I am afraid that there would be no more for me to give...I would be done...and possibly in time I could replace him with a "new" H...
That to me is the difference...but by far the two persona's work best when together...a secure, loved and cherished wife makes a great mother and partner...and a respected, loved, and honored husband makes a great father and partner...but you can be one without the other...again, in my opinion.
Of course everyone of whatever belief system they have may feel differently...this is just how I, personally, feel...agree or not makes no difference to me...
I now have things in my marriage and my family set in better perspective...I have an identity separate from wife and mother...I am ME!...I also maintain a life separate from wife and mother...making me a better wife and mother!
Not meaning to pry too much - but - I know standing for my marriage is what is right for me. How do I do that and still protect myself financially and protect the kids and such. Do I need a legal separation? Do I need to force him to provide child support? Do I just not do ANYTHING and let all of these efforts come from him?
I need advice.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB...I am totally in favor of protecting yourself and your children...I obtained a LS to protect me from his financial demise...and good thing because he ended up 200K (yes "K") in debt before all was said and done...while he has ruined his credit my credit is still fine (btw, I maintain my LS until he settles all his debts for the protection of me and my children)...as for child support H said he would pay me and I included it in the LS court order...again this proved to be a protection because now with creditors I can "garnish" 1/2 of his wages for CS to protect me and the creditors just have to wait until he files BK...
when he was "gone" I didn't force the CS issue because I knew he didn't have the money and I didn't see making things worse for him and ultimately us because it would have just reinforced in him that he was right about me...
I did invite him over at times to be with son...rarely did he come...when things started coming around I would ask him out with me to discuss family matters...and eventually it led to discussing us...because by this point I had a pending D...we decided to postpone it and I think we hold the record for our county for the number of postponements...it was postponed for over 2 years!
I didn't do things to make things harder for him...but I did expect and he did agree to support the children...I ended up doing it myself because he fell so deep in a hole and was living off of credit cards...I continued to file jointly with because at the time it benefited me financially...however, in the long run this proved to be a mistake because there were some business ventures that he was involved in that ended up being owed down the line to the IRS...he didn't know what he was doing and thought the business was taking care of the taxes for him!!!
Anyway...I had to let him go...let him fall...let him figure things out...when he did come home he was a mess...he needed medical and emotional help...but I was tough even then...he had developed an alcohol problem and would lie about it...when he got sloshing drunk and couldn't stand up I called 911 to take him to the hospital...I did have to do this twice but he did accept treatment and has been sober now for about 2 1/2 years... I didn't give him money...but did provide him a home and food...he had to do the rest of the work...he works now almost full time but makes far less then I do...a change from the way things were before...I also carry the benefits...another change...it is hard for me but worth it to have my family in tact and happy...and I can say that I am happy too so it is all good...
So bottom line, protect your children and you legally and financially...after that what you want or don't want to do is entirely your decision...
Thanks for that advice - it is much appreciated. The LS is something I keep putting off - but I know that I need to protect myself and kids from his erratic behavior. That will be my goal this week.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I was very open with H about the reason for the LS...he could do what he wanted without effecting me and the kids! I did it so I wouldn't have to get upset with him about what he did...and he wouldn't have to listen to me on it...win-win...
Grace - I am curious as to why you make that statement - are you saying you weren't a good wife therefore he left?
I'm saying I have ownership in this mess. I'm saying I'm old enough and smart enough that I should have been listening with more than my ears.
Was I a good wife? In alot of ways, yes. Do I know men that would take me on and probably be very happy? Yes. Does that mean I was the best wife I could be for my H? No. That means I have had to look long and hard at all our years together (23+) and take responsibility for things I could've/should've done better.
What does that mean now? Nothing with regards to H. He has made his position clear. It means I let the amazing woman I am slide.
That means I have worked (and continue to work) hard to be the best expression of myself for me. Why? What does it matter without him? It matters b/c integrity is the one thing that I have that cannot be taken from me...I have to give it away. I am not willing to do that.
Grace, I understand where you are coming from - and I know that what I have become is not the best expression of myself. I agree about integrity - I am working hard to maintain mine - many times it's a lonely road through. I think that today was a turning point for me - seeing H without his wedding ring - was for me a rock bottom experience. I don't have enough structure in my life to protect myself from these moments - and I want to become stronger for the kids - they are going through their own things and this separation has just added to their issues. I want to make some progress this week! Need prayers:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Hi to all! Today was a day that I moved forward. And I feel good about it!
As I re-read Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough - I realized how much I had acquiesced my heart and soul over the past 3+ years. With each betrayal - my "fix-it" traits overpowered me and I lost all boundaries - I was jello!
So last night - I put down on paper my feelings and intentions. And the result was a candid, heartfelt, revealing letter that I gave my H today. When I gave it to him along with his mail, I told him that I wanted to let him know that I contacted my attorney and intend on filing for a legal separation. I shared with him that I was not trying to rub salt in any wounds - but that he should probably take a look at our state's child support calculator as well. In the letter I shared with him that this was the only "formal" step that I was taking. Divorce proceedings would have to be initiated by him. I told him that this move was primarily for protection of finances and assets for the kids and myself - and to provide a structure for our S. I spoke with the kids prior to telling S and wanted them to know that I was still standing for our M - but that we have to move forward and begin to plan how we would like the next few months to go. We will take baby steps. They were all 100% supportive and know that this is not what I want.
In the letter - I did not blame H for anything - I took responsibility for my insecurities and imperfections - my controlling needs. But I also made it clear that no one coerced him into marriage in 1985 and that the words he spoke of marrying his best friend were still the most memorable in my life. However, the lies, deceits, and infidelities were indicative of how one would treat their worst enemy and I felt that was how he viewed me.
Bottom-line: H texts me "Can I pick up my mail and talk to you about your letter" - I texted back "Yes to the mail, we'll see about the letter" - I wasn't sure I wanted to get into a discussion I wasn't prepared for... so he came by and he said - "about the letter - it was excellent"
We proceeded to have a civil, pleasant conversation - which Dbrs be proud - I ended quickly with the "well I have a lot of stuff to get done tonight - I will see you later":)
Here's the crazy thing - his wedding ring was back on! WTH????? But guess what - I don't really care right now. I am looking forward to getting some structure back in my life - and laughing with my kids, family and friends. I am DONE reacting to his every move. I have faith that God will show me the way and that he will help me continue to work to be strong!
Thanks friends for your help!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
