Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[Seeing Red]

WH writes to me today that if baby doesn't have his surname it will endanger her future "inner balance". No, that happened when you decided to walk out on her, d!ickhead.

He also writes "I am her father and I am going to be part of her life as her father". How, at 17,000kms is he going to do that?

The devil in me says to use YOUR maiden just to tick him off! As for his "being a father" - you mean like when he went away for two weeks and didn't bother to call or email to check on her - THAT kind of father? Because being a father and a being an MIA sperm donor (to quote NewMama) are two VERY different things.

Hmm. Wonder what he'd do if you called him that?

(Ooh, this guy really ticks me off! I think he needs some alone time with 3 or 4 of the women on this forum to uh...set him straight!)

I feel like I am dealing with a nutcase.

I really have never seen this side of my WH before. He is unrecognisable. Separation/divorce really does bring out the worst in people.

Yes, it does. Add a MLC, OW, and a newborn, and you've got the makings of a REAL mess (not to mention a Lifetime movie of the week!)

I will try to be strong at tomorrow's visit and be present. My Dad is going to stick around too (for my sake).

Girl, you're ALREADY stronger than most of the women I've ever met! I CANNOT imagine being in your shoes, and you're handling it with so much grace and dignity.

I think it's a very good idea to have your dad along for moral support, given your WH's sudden unpredictability.

My H keeps saying we have "years" to talk about what happened between us. That's another way of saying we won't ever talk about it/process it.

Years to talk about it? When? While he's "being a father" to your baby in a different hemisphere?

Hmm. A better option: talk about it now, see if you can find a resolution, and if not, then have closure so you and baby grand can move on.

He's trying to cakewalk and leave his options open. He thinks he can move away, have this fling, then come back when he's all done.

I think you need to shake him up a bit. Know any guys (preferably cute and single) who can come over and help you fix stuff or help with the baby?

I ask, because AntoniaB over the infidelity forum said after her husband moved out to live with OW, she had a couple of different married guys from work come over to help with handyman stuff around the house. When her husband found out about it, he got upset, emailed the two guys who had helped, and asked them out for beers so they could "talk." Translation: he didn't want them around his wife and was trying to mark his territory. Both guys told Antonia and she told them to ignore the email. That shook her WH to the core. Hysterical!

Maybe your "player piano" could stand a little competition...just a thought.

Good luck with the visit tomorrow!

[newmama]

Just wanted to say that your H is acting very nutty because he is with the OW. If he was never like this before, then it is more evidence that the A is what is making him this way.

He's trying to cakewalk and leave his options open. He thinks he can move away, have this fling, then come back when he's all done.

haha about cakeWALK instead of cakeEAT. I do agree that he wants to have this fling. and then come back later.

I think you need to shake him up a bit. Know any guys (preferably cute and single) who can come over and help you fix stuff or help with the baby?

Yeah I always wanted to have some neutral guy friends help me and S that my stbxh didn't know. If I had told people at work, maybe their Hs could have helped me or something. Hmm. Worth a shot I guess. What do you think, Piano?

You can always set this as a goal in a few weeks. Right now you are just trying to get through having your H over to visit your D and not throw things at him, right?

[Piano]

Lol! Spot on Newmama!
Will write more tonight about the visit. Gotta go!

[Piano]

Hey gals,
Red, cakeWALK, I love it! Thanks for your support.

Visit with WH today went relatively well. We spoke a lot. I got angry at times but much less than before & so therefore it was more productive.
I said something along the lines of, "You're right, our marriage was a sham, you were unahappy for years, you haven't loved me for years, you never wanted to spend time with me, I see all that now. This baby was also a lie." and he got all upset and said no, none of that was the case.
He was all teary about the baby and missing her.
I got the feeling all was not rosy with OW as he seemed to be not sure about where he was going to live when he went back.
As for jobs his old company said they would give him work as soon as it came up but that there was nothing immediately.
He is visiing the baby again the day after tomorrow and we are going to spend time the following evening also.

I guess this is an improvement!

[newmama]

crossing my fingers...but remember this very important rule: believe half of what you see and none of what they say...

[Seeing Red]

Red, cakeWALK, I love it!

Whoops! TOTAL subliminal slip! Wish this WAS a cakewalk instead of a suspension bridge of uncertainty...

Visit with WH today went relatively well. We spoke a lot. I got angry at times but much less than before & so therefore it was more productive. !

So you didn't lop off his head? Progress!

I said something along the lines of, "You're right, our marriage was a sham, you were unahappy for years, you haven't loved me for years, you never wanted to spend time with me, I see all that now. This baby was also a lie." and he got all upset and said no, none of that was the case.:)!

Why do they always think it sounds so reasonable coming out of THEIR mouths yet so dastardly coming out of YOURS?

He was all teary about the baby and missing her.

Is it? Can it be? A GLIMPSE of the man our little piano fell in love with? Woo-hoo!

(See? This is why they make it SO hard on us! The alien dozes off and the guy we love peeks through. SO frustrating!)

I got the feeling all was not rosy with OW as he seemed to be not sure about where he was going to live when he went back.

So...in exchange for abandonning his wife and baby in a different hemisphere to be with her, OW wants him to GET HIS OWN PLACE? Wow. I can feel the steamy passion from here. Brrr!

As for jobs his old company said they would give him work as soon as it came up but that there was nothing immediately.

Sounds promising. NOT!

He is visiing the baby again the day after tomorrow and we are going to spend time the following evening also.

I guess this is an improvement!

It is DEFINITELY an improvement! Sounds like maybe some of the fantasy dust is wearing off. Keep the baby bonding up. Maybe - just maybe - with OW so far away and no job or place for WH to go to, he'll stick around, fall in love with baby grand and decide that maybe, like Dorothy, there IS no place like home!

[newmama]

forgot to give you kudos on scaling back your anger...remember: short term satisfaction does not usually equal long term gain...

[gatsby11]

P, I'm glad to hear about your interaction with WH. You two were able to communicate at least a little, and I think that's great.

I hope that the rest of your visits continue this well or better; it could be a good opportunity to get to a good place with WH for a while.

[Piano]

You guys are great! I realise the truth about me is out: I love throwing things at my WH when he talks about the OW! Oh deary me...!!!
Your posts RED crack me up every time ; please keep the wisdom an humour coming, it really helps!
NM, you are right. All this is for the meantime is a slight improvement in communication. Thankyou for keeping me in check about my anger. I still have a long way to go, a lot to learn about why I chose to react this way when I know better.
Also WH has pulled the wool over my eyes many times in the past since this all started, and though I'd like to beleive he has regrets, has feelings for me that are worthy, that his love for the baby is genuine, but I need to keep a sceptical eye open.
G, if I can keep things calm and collected with WH over the next few weeks, at least in the worst case scenario I will be prouder of how I handled it.

SO Excited Babydoll's boy is here & same b'day as Newmama's !

[gatsby11]

I'm using your thread, P, to say that mine locked. And I have a new one, so go find it.