How To Tell The Kids

[DanF]

Hi Dan,

The things that work go against your natural instinct. I hope you don't mind, but here are my thoughts:

I don't mind in the least. In fact, I couldn't appreciate it more!

Based on discussions with my attorney

Listen to him, but with the understanding that he is out to make a buck from your emotional distress. the more you and W argue, the more money he makes....Know what you want and have him fight for it...IE 50/50 custody of your kids.

My attorney says she will do what I ask of her. We are definately going for 50%/50% and it sounds like W is accepting that now. At least in her conversations with our kids.

the court wasn't likely to make her find full-time work immediately, since she has been working part-time for 11 years.

Well things are changing....

Things ARE changing and it is likely they will require her to work full-time, just not right away. They will give her time to find a position. We are also going to argue that she should have a higher level job given her 20 years of experience. She is in an entry level position and never wanted to take a promotion or becomse a supervisor because she didn't want to have to deal with the politics and headaches that come with it. I supported that while we were married, but shouldn't have to support it any longer. I got her supervisor's salary and recalculated payments using it as my W's salary. May not hold in court, but at least I am trying.

If we are going to continue to live in the same house, things would remain the same as they have been.

I would reevaluate this. This is a time for you to LEAD your family. Things are different now. BE DIFFERENT.

I meant financially here, but you are giving me good advice in terms of leading the family. I will start to be more demanding here.

She said that full-time would come eventually, but not immediately.

Tell me the db rule about what they say.....

Time to put on the Big Girl Panties....and I agree with you, but I can't make her go back and I have to make sure at least the critical bills are paid, such as the mortgage and utilities. Maybe I let her pay cable and things that aren't necessities?

Also, since I make so much more $ than W does, the plan would likely to have been to pay based on income percentages. I make 80% of the income, she makes 20% of the income. If she worked full-time, she would make 30% of the income.

Perfect! You have decided to cover 70% of the bills and expect W to cover 30%. You could even start at 60/40... "W, I have decided to pay the Morgage, and the XYZ bills. I expect you to pay for the ABC bills and to see proof that you paid them. This is fair based on the differences in money we bring in."

Also, we can't "force" each other out of the house.

"I have no intentions of leaving our families home. You are free to decide if you want to stay here with us."

I am with you on this one and have told her I am not leaving. Her atty wanted to request me out of the house, but she said she had the atty remove that language from the petition because "we can't afford it". There is no more we, right?

I told my atty we should request that, but she said the court wasn't likely to force the mother out, and if they did, I would end-up with a very large financial obligation based on W working part-time at the moment. I have asked her to leave voluntarily, but she won't, and I have been advised here and by many others not to leave the house.

Who wants out her or you? Do you want the house or not?

I do want the house, but we have to see what we can agree to in terms of a bouy-out. I can't afford a much larger payment on my own as we stretched to buy this place together. We won't get what we have into it, but our equity may still be too much for me to overcome. I hope not.

I was going to ask W for her suggestion as to how to handle the bills, hoping it would be better for me than income % based, but in the very least I was going to require that we pay based on income percentages.

What is the right thing to do? Pay your fair share....

Is fair 50/50, 60/40, 70/30 or 80/20? Right now atty says that court would say 80/20 and 70/30 later after she goes full time at the end of the proceedings. I was going to let her make a suggestion that I hoped would be more favorable to me.

I would love to split the bills 50%/50%,

Ask for what you want. let her counter. respond with "I'll think about that"

but I don't think that is realistic or that is what the court would have ordered. Once separated, I am looking at payments for both child support 9 years and alimony/maintenance 5-7 years.

Are you fighting for joint custody? Your R with the kids is very important. Frequent and equal as W.

We will do 50/50 split on the kids, but according to the formula, I will still have to pay child support because I make so much more $. Even if we get to use full-time and a promoted position for her. This is all working against me right now because I have been too successful.

She says she wants to live together until the divorce is final because we can't afford to live separate.

Shine and lead. Be confident, happy and decisive....Be the BEST DAD EVER.....

She has told me she plans to get a full time job, but can't do it now because "there are no full-time positions available" in her preferred location/line of work

Let your L know this. She sounds fully capable of working...

She definately is capable.

and because she "needs to be there for the kids."

Are you going to be there for the kids??? Best choice I made was to fight for my 50/50 parenting agreement.

I said we both need to be there for the kids. The fact is, she wants her part-time summer with the kids and it doesn't look like the court will force it. I can't find a way to force her to go back to work except to get her to pay more of the bills so she doesn't have fun time $.

PERFECT.

I really wish this court date had gone off and we had gotten some legal clarity.

Set precedence NOW! Get things in place and say "This is working fine"....

So I would just go along on whatever events get planned? Like to her brother's house to visit the cousins next weekend?

NO! you LEAD. I am going to the beach with the kids. I am going to the fair with the kids. I am going to the swimming pool woth the kids. I am going skiing with the kids....."Kids, ready to have FUN!!! "

Been doing a lot more of this, but will try harder going forward.

Thanks again for the advice.

I would like to strongly suggest that you search PuppyDogTails, Gucci, Coach, Sandi2,Allen A and Greek and read all the posts they have made in the last week......It just might save your M.

All their advice to everyone? Or just to me? I want to do whatever it takes to get this M saved.

Thanks again for everyone's help.