Still trying to find my way

[lees]

Mystik, keep plugging away gal.

You will get there if you keep standing up and putting one foot in front of the other.

Allow yourself time to grieve and time to wallow, but keep it limited and be busy with positive things the rest of the time - I imagine that isn't too difficult when your son is around, and probably more so when he isn't.

Chin up lass!

[courageous wife]

Hey mystik!

I am going to recommend a girls weekend with one of your good friends or your best friend! I just had the best weekend I have had in such a long time!!! I am now able to visualize that life without H is going to be ok...

[Mystik]

TimeHeals ~ Thank you for that reminder. While I can't undo the past I can try to stop it in the future.

Lees ~ Believe me, I'm greiving. Every minute of every day. And yes, it is easier to focus on the positive when DS is around compared to when he's not. I am so glad to have my baby back home with me.

CW ~ I may have to set one up for the next time DS is with his father all weekend. It's been about a month or so since the last time we got together.

[newmama]

For the record, you are not to blame for your son's reaction to this situation! Mystik, I haven't seen you do anything too damaging like
1)cry as your S is leaving, telling him how much you will miss him, making him feel bad about leaving you

2) talking bad about his dad or the OW to his face or his future half brother

3)neglecting his needs due to your depression

4)trying to mess with his schedule with his dad so that he doesn't get to see him

5)not letting him play with toys from his dad's house or be excited about the time he spent at thid dad's.

This list is just some of the CRAP that many parents put their kids through and that messes the kids up worse...for life.

So Mystik, excellent job taking him to the counselor tomorrow. You have not done permanent damage- if you are consistent from this point forward, it will help.

And yes, the daily goal for you should be to GET THROUGH this. Getting through doesn't mean accepting it and being happy or being miserable or angry...it just means surviving each day, not letting the bills go unpaid, taking a shower, taking care of your S, the basics.

[Vulcanized]

For the record, you are not to blame for your son's reaction to this situation! Mystik, I haven't seen you do anything too damaging like
1)cry as your S is leaving, telling him how much you will miss him, making him feel bad about leaving you

2) talking bad about his dad or the OW to his face or his future half brother

3)neglecting his needs due to your depression

4)trying to mess with his schedule with his dad so that he doesn't get to see him

5)not letting him play with toys from his dad's house or be excited about the time he spent at thid dad's.

This list is just some of the CRAP that many parents put their kids through and that messes the kids up worse...for life.

So Mystik, excellent job taking him to the counselor tomorrow. You have not done permanent damage- if you are consistent from this point forward, it will help.

And yes, the daily goal for you should be to GET THROUGH this. Getting through doesn't mean accepting it and being happy or being miserable or angry...it just means surviving each day, not letting the bills go unpaid, taking a shower, taking care of your S, the basics.

Yup, yup, yup. NM is spot on. Listen to what she has to say, she knows her $hit.

[lees]

Lees ~ Believe me, I'm greiving. Every minute of every day.

This is where real progress is made - it certainly was for me anyway. Don't let every minute of every day be spent in negative thoughts of what has been. You can't change what has happened, only what you do in the future. Spend most of your day thinking about what can be, positive things and how to achieve them. That is the route out from here.

[Mystik]

NM and RNM ~ I show DS a happy face when he goes with his father, telling him to have fun and I'll see him on Sunday or see him later or something. If surviving is just getting showered, the bills paid and making sure DS is taken care of then I'm going ok with that.

Lees ~ That is a goal I am working towards.

[Mystik]

Saw the therapist for DS today. I told her of my concerns, she kind of grimaced when I was talking about DS's fascination with death and how he says he knows I want him dead when he gets in trouble. She said she wants to make sure he understands the concept of death before getting too concerned about that. Told her about H and OW and the baby and how I'm not handling it too well, she was completely understanding. She said that yes, H is old enough to be given privacy when he talks to his dad and if he asks why I leave the room to just tell him that I don't want him to have to worry about saying anything that will upset me, I want him to be able to talk to his daddy about anything. As for me being upset around him, she knows it's hard to hide genuine feelings so I should try to counteract it by letting him see me do something I enjoy such as work on a puzzle or look at silly pictures that make me laugh while he's around and ask him to keep me company while I do. That will help to reassure him that while sometimes I am sad that yes, I can still be happy and laugh. She said some of his behavior, like acting defiant, could be testing to make sure I'm still going to do my "job" as a mom and keep him in line, and some of it is typical 6 year old boy behavior like climbing around on me and being rough with me like I'm his personal jungle gym. She did agree with me that H left DS when he left our family and that at age six he came up with that himself, it was not anything I did or said to give him that idea.

DS was chomping at the bit to go in so H didn't have the chance to talk to her privately right after I did. DS wanted all three of us to go in so we did. He didn't want to go in to talk, though. He wanted to go in to play with the toys she has that he remembered from his visit to her over a year ago. The therapist tried to engage him, he was goofy for a bit then clammed up and was ready to leave. She talked to him about death and from his responses I am pretty sure he's got the concept of death down. Then she talked to him about how he feels H can only love one son, he hid under the table and gradually stopped verbally responding the more she tried to get him to open up and talk. (Yeah, I was thrilled to be in the room for that conversation. [/sarcasm]) I did manage to keep my tears to a minimum and hidden from DS so that was good, even though I suspect he still picked up on my sadness. So after DS gesturing repeatedly for H, himself and me to leave the therapist scheduled his next appointment and let him and I leave, keeping H to talk privately to him. DS and I waited because I knew H would want to say good-bye to DS. H walked to our car with us, kept his interactions strictly to DS. I walked away from the car while H was buckling DS in to give him privacy to say what he wanted, then DS and I left.

We went to the NYS museum and wandered around there for awhile, DS loved the kids discovery area, he played with the mega blocks the most. Crazy kid, all that neat science stuff and he wanted to sit and build.

H called right after he got out of work, I was in the bathroom. Told DS to tell me that he wanted to talk to me and for me to call him back. I didn't call him back. H just called me again, a little less than an hour from his first call. Called my cell phone, the house phone and left a message, then my cell phone again and left a voice mail. Right now I have nothing to say to him, I think everything has been said that can be between him and I without us beating a dead horse. He knows what I want, where I stand and I know where he stands. Unless he changes his stance what more can we say?

[newmama]

Your H can always email you...

wow, I am suprised the therapist tried to talk to S with you 2 in the room! I don't have any experience with counseling for kids but figured they would be more open and honest when their parents aren't present.

Hmm...good point she made about showing your S when you feel happy, too.

She said some of his behavior, like acting defiant, could be testing to make sure I'm still going to do my "job" as a mom and keep him in line,

My SIL's boys gave her the hardest time when her H divorced her. Her therapist said the same thing...want to make sure their mom was still their mom (like the role was the same) and they felt comfortable letting it all out in front of her...

[Mystik]

DS takes awhile to warm up to someone and be comfortable alone with them. She said she expects his first few appointments he'll want one of us in with him, but as he gets more comfortable he'll be ok with being alone with her. Due to the confidentiality laws she can't disclose to us what he says or what they talk about but she can give general "he's doing ok" or "he needs some work on a few areas" kind up observations.