Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Saw the therapist for DS today. I told her of my concerns, she kind of grimaced when I was talking about DS's fascination with death and how he says he knows I want him dead when he gets in trouble. She said she wants to make sure he understands the concept of death before getting too concerned about that. Told her about H and OW and the baby and how I'm not handling it too well, she was completely understanding. She said that yes, H is old enough to be given privacy when he talks to his dad and if he asks why I leave the room to just tell him that I don't want him to have to worry about saying anything that will upset me, I want him to be able to talk to his daddy about anything. As for me being upset around him, she knows it's hard to hide genuine feelings so I should try to counteract it by letting him see me do something I enjoy such as work on a puzzle or look at silly pictures that make me laugh while he's around and ask him to keep me company while I do. That will help to reassure him that while sometimes I am sad that yes, I can still be happy and laugh. She said some of his behavior, like acting defiant, could be testing to make sure I'm still going to do my "job" as a mom and keep him in line, and some of it is typical 6 year old boy behavior like climbing around on me and being rough with me like I'm his personal jungle gym. She did agree with me that H left DS when he left our family and that at age six he came up with that himself, it was not anything I did or said to give him that idea.

DS was chomping at the bit to go in so H didn't have the chance to talk to her privately right after I did. DS wanted all three of us to go in so we did. He didn't want to go in to talk, though. He wanted to go in to play with the toys she has that he remembered from his visit to her over a year ago. The therapist tried to engage him, he was goofy for a bit then clammed up and was ready to leave. She talked to him about death and from his responses I am pretty sure he's got the concept of death down. Then she talked to him about how he feels H can only love one son, he hid under the table and gradually stopped verbally responding the more she tried to get him to open up and talk. (Yeah, I was thrilled to be in the room for that conversation. [/sarcasm]) I did manage to keep my tears to a minimum and hidden from DS so that was good, even though I suspect he still picked up on my sadness. So after DS gesturing repeatedly for H, himself and me to leave the therapist scheduled his next appointment and let him and I leave, keeping H to talk privately to him. DS and I waited because I knew H would want to say good-bye to DS. H walked to our car with us, kept his interactions strictly to DS. I walked away from the car while H was buckling DS in to give him privacy to say what he wanted, then DS and I left.

We went to the NYS museum and wandered around there for awhile, DS loved the kids discovery area, he played with the mega blocks the most. Crazy kid, all that neat science stuff and he wanted to sit and build.

H called right after he got out of work, I was in the bathroom. Told DS to tell me that he wanted to talk to me and for me to call him back. I didn't call him back. H just called me again, a little less than an hour from his first call. Called my cell phone, the house phone and left a message, then my cell phone again and left a voice mail. Right now I have nothing to say to him, I think everything has been said that can be between him and I without us beating a dead horse. He knows what I want, where I stand and I know where he stands. Unless he changes his stance what more can we say?