It's ok to have a life and a family at the same time, people with the most successful relationships usually have both, you do sound like your smothering her.
She doesn't respect you, I can read that part easily.
How do you expect her to love you, be intimate with you, be attracted to you if she doesn't respect you?
If I read this correctly, she has an actual "list" that you go through and check off the items that you've completed? Do you have a list for her, does she do the same for you? I doubt it.
Here's your TO DO LIST:
1. Get a life, a real one, where you go out with your friends at least once a week, let your wife take care of watching the kids on that one night you go out 2. You don't need to tell her where you're going, just let her know you're going out, if she asks where, tell her otherwise keep it to yourself. Put it on the calendar if you have to so that you remember and for that specific day, just pencil in "AGM OUT!" 3. No more relationship talks with your wife, I'm not a big fan of them, people who just start dating and hang out and have fun never have relationship talks, it seems to me that the only people who have "relationship talks" are the people who have crappy relationships, I could be generalizing and if so, forgive me but I think for now, no more relationship talks. 4. Get thee to a gym regularly, you said you were overweight, possibly you still are, your wife is not your source of self-esteem, YOU ARE. Get that weight off, get even more weight off, get more than just your healthy weight as a goal, get athletic, join a team sport, soccer for example, it gets you life, gets you out of the house once or twice a week and gets you out with other people, socializing, interacting, having fun and feeling better about yourself. Go to the gym every night, every other night, make it part of your new routine - you don't need your wife's permission, if she gets all "bitch-y" towards you, just tell her you're finally doing what she was always complaining that you weren't doing and to stop nagging about it, because you aren't stopping anytime soon. 5. Start tanning, once or twice a week, 10-15min. lying down in a tanning bed, there's actually good sound logic behind this: it's good for you, despite what all the naysayers may groan about, limited exposure is good, get those vitamin D levels up, change that skin color a bit, feel better about yourself (it will actually help boost your mood, trust me it will, you will feel better about yourself), you will look better and it's part of your new YOU regimen. 6. Start shopping for yourself and investing in yourself. Start with a new fresh pair of kicks (sneakers), some jeans, a few new shirts, a belt, get yourself a new haircut and a new style, look in a magazine, see something you like and something your hair can support (obviously if you don't have hair, you won't be going for the spikey look anytime soon), if you're looking long in the tooth, get some hair color, nothing over the top, less is more, gradual color and hilights vs. a crazy new color that screams MLC. Do it, it's good for you to look young, you'll feel younger, better about yourself, your self-esteem will improve, your self-confidence and self-value will follow and when you get into those skirmish's with the wife, you'll be able to stand up for yourself with new ability. People who feel good about themselves, have healthy self-esteem, confidence, know their self-worth/value tend to have spines that don't allow others to walk all over them. It's time to stop being the doormat, it doesn't work anymore and people tend to get pissed off at the nice guy for being too.... nice. 7. Change your diet, start eating clean, making it a habit. You're working on changing the outside and the inside, healthy in, healthy out, part of the whole new you thing.
Guess what, while you're getting life, looking better, feeling better, investing in yourself, getting the ol' spring back in your step, you know what's going to happen after a few weeks? Your wife is going to start wondering what you're up to, she'll even ask what all of this is all about and your answer will be "nothing, just taking care of myself now" and you know what, she won't believe a word of it and you'll continue plugging along, looking better, feeling better, acting better and her imagination will start to run wild. Let her think about what you're up for a change, you've been an open book and a boring read for so long, it's time to switch things up a bit.
As for the counselling, take a break from it. Tell her for the time being you've decided (use those words) that you want to take a break from the marriage counselling and you'll let her know if and when you want to resume it.
These things you must do.
Not for her.
But for you.
Do them.
Don't ask questions, just think about what I've written and do them because truth be told you need to do them, you haven't done any of this forever and it's time you started. As far as being a family man, you continue being a great father, part of that is setting an example of being a really happy man with great things going on in your life, if your wife wants to be part of it, she'll be part of it, if she doesn't, her loss, not yours but you need to set an example for your kids on how to live a great and happy life, they will learn from you and if you only put forward this image of an angry, depressed, unhappy man, guess what, they'll emulate that behavior and do the same with their own lives. Don't discount the effect that your day to day living example has on their growth and development, they will grow up and do what you're doing right now so set the example of a great life and they'll do that or continue doing what you're doing and watch them live miserable lives as well.
