Making progress and reconnecting.....ayieee

[CPCajun]

Its all I have.

Never said it was gospel.

From what I saw, he is single with 3 kids.

[koliver0821]

I dont know why there is so much fuss about giving into her. HOWEVER, there is no reason why you couldn't set additional boundaries of integrity. If it is important for you to feel safe, then say that's how you feel. I think what get's lost in how all of this get's translated is actual feelings.

Cajun- When you spoke to her about her dealings with the OM, did you get all the information you needed to hear from her about the affair? I mean all of it. Yes she could lie and most likely will.

I went through a similar situation. I had to put on the big boy pants regarding digging for information that was tearing me apart in the inside. My wife and I ended our separation and began to work on ourselves as well as our relationship. I set boundaries and asked tons of questions regarding the affair. Its funny how much you can tell about your partner once your eyes are open. I knew at times she was holding something back. I told her that. If you can't be honest with me, I told I wasn't sure I could feel comfortable working on our relationship. I must have said that phrase 100's of times.

For a long time you neglected your own feelings and went after the woman you called your wife. SHE IS NOW SOMEONE ELSE. Get to know her, be cautious, and be you.

My wife told me the same things. I suppose I took it at face value. I told her she had been duped by this guy (as was I). At the start, he had a plan. It escalated. Much like you probably hear about Internet Predators. This is exactly what he is. He got my wife to justify the affair by saying his wife was cheating on him. My wife believed him.

I said to her, "Did you ever for one second think that he was leading you all the time? That he was lying about his own marriage situation to justify his actions as well as yours?"

As people have said. Its an addiction. Some people deal with their sour grapes in different ways. I bottled my issues with my wife up. It truly ate at me more than I realized. It made me inactive or unable to handle things without getting loud. She did the same. However, she also went the extra step to have an affair. As you have heard from countless people, it takes time to rebuild this and if she continuously gets heated when it comes up, go back to "I can understand why you feel that way" and then go back to your boundaries.

Be MR. Cajun!!

[koliver0821]

By the way. thats how little she actually cared of me at the time. She was appearing transparent as she would chat on facebook in front of me while the affair was going on. I mean how stupid could she be if shes going to have a relationship in front of me.

Well I guess you already know the answer to that one. I was the stupid one. I said that he was the predator. I do believe that, but I dont forget for one second that my wife may have been one too......

Thats when you have worked on forgiveness and SO HAS SHE. She needs to forgive you for the faults that you have. You have to be able to forgive her for her faults. Two to tango as they say. You also have to be willing to forgive her for the affair. That my friend will take some time and help from others. (church, therapist, etc...)

Also dont forget for one second that your MIL was complicit in this affair. Your wife told her of her feelings. She didnt set a very good example of honesty if she couldn't get her daughter to act in a proper way.

[CPCajun]

I did ask about the affair. I got the answer she gave me, regardless if she lied. I told her if it did happen, do not lie, be honest. I am not angry nor mad. I just want the truth, I had already forgiven her. Still you (W) will still have to rebuild my trust in you, as you (w) did hide this from me. We both have a trust issue thaat will need rebuilding.

So far,she has not been in contact with OM, base on my intel. So far, she is showing herself to be working on reconiliation.

My wife is leaving for another business trip. NO where near OM and this time she will ride and stay with other friends, that I know well. I am not worried about this.

What I am cautious about is that, next week we(kids and I) leave on vacation with my parents. They did not want W coming with us due to the D. I think if I give W space during this next 10 days and give my kids all I can, it will be a BIG factor in her regaining trust in me. I will still keep my guard up on her. If she pulls thru this too, I will have regained some trust in her.

Yes it is like having to know my wife all over again. ...Sad isn't it?

[koliver0821]

Not sad, just the truth. Im living that as we speak. But in the end, it seems to make the pain we both went through easier to talk about and as such, we are much much closer than we were ever before.

Good Luck Mr. Cajun. May the force be with you, always.....

[CPCajun]

Not sad, just the truth. Im living that as we speak. But in the end, it seems to make the pain we both went through easier to talk about and as such, we are much much closer than we were ever before.

Good Luck Mr. Cajun. May the force be with you, always.....

Yes, it is. I hope we are closer than ever too. It is difficult now ,as W still has the force shields up. I try something and get shut down.

Last night was one. I was about to give up, but I sucked it said a quick prayer and change my attitude. I went back to W didn't say a word, but gave her a foot rub.

[koliver0821]

Just be assertive. Make plans to go out. Not easy when children are involved but start creating a new relationship. You mention that you both like geocaching (Though I have no clue what that is). Continue to do these things together. It may not seem like much, but spending quality time together without the constraints of father/motherhood can go a long way to repairing a relationship.

SPEAKING from experience here as I lived through this.

[CPCajun]

I do...er ..we do.
We started the Geocaching with friends and it is working great. Not only does it bond us, but I do an 180 at the same time. I usually keep to myself and did not like to socialize with W friends. Now I am doing both. Win/Win.
Also I am finding other stuff we can do without the kids. Recently we have been going on walks together. When we do go I try to 'cut up' and make W smile and laugh.

Slowly I am finding ways with W and with the kids. I understand the restraints that kids can put on our relationship. Doing things without the kids is what we need,though difficult.

[CPCajun]

This morning I 'snuck' in the house and made a homemade I love you card. Nothing fancy, just a poem inside and a love coupon for W to have us do what ever she wants together.
I had to sneak into one of her drawers to get the coupon. I had got them a long time ago and she never cashed in on them. I was as quiet as I could be,but still woke her.
I hid the card in the console of the truck. So when she leaves for her trip ,she should at some point find it. I'll see how it plays out.
She also called me 10 minutes after I left this morning to complain that I woke her by sneaking around. I listened to her say she had a long trip, needed the sleep, but pissed her off by waking her. Hopefully the reward is worth it to her.


I am looking for romantic ideas to leave her once we(me and kids) leave for vacation and W gets back. I'd like to suprise her somehow.

[Coach]

It is difficult now ,as I try soW still has the force shields up. I try something and get shut down.

I am looking for romantic ideas to leave her once we(me and kids) leave for vacation and W gets back. I'd like to suprise her somehow.

You are chasing her and her shields are up. What was your courtship like? How does she love on you? You read the 5LLs and His Needs/Her Needs?

You surprise her by doing something different, you re-hashed the coupons that didn't work the first time. The coupon is something you would have loved her to give you. Slow down Boudreaux, you still go a lot of schoolin to do so you don't repeat DB 101.

Cheers