Yes, this is going to be horrible for the kids. Sadly, not because they will be seeing him less, but because they will be seeing me so much less. I have been a stay at home mom with them for the last 6 years (ages 6 & 3) and he wants 1 week on and 1 week off for custody. We are going to work it out that I will see them during the week when I pick them up from school and keep them until he gets home from work, but it will be a HUGE change for them not to have their mommy around. And yes, he has said some such crap like "the kids will be happy that their dad is finally happy." B.S.
One thing my divorce atty suggested is to start the one week on, one week off while we are still living together. That if he won't move out we can start with the arrangement and see if that wakes him up at all. That getting the kids ready every day and feeding them breakfast and packing lunches and feeding them dinner after a long day at work, etc. etc. isn't all it's cracked up to be. Anybody try that before?
In the meantime, I'm going to continue what I've been doing for the past two days, working on building some intimacy between us with open discussions etc. See what happens. We have two concerts we are going to this week, which is something we use to do together all the time and is definitely something we share that he does not with the OW (she has very different musical tastes and music is really important to my H).
At the end of the weekend if things don't seem to have changed at all I might suggest the week on/week off schedule and start making myself really scarce on my week off and make sure he does the same on his week off. He can't miss what he has around him all the time, right?
Oh, and the OW's H is trying to repair the marriage. Sometimes he thinks he is making progress, but he isn't sure.
Sounds like they are trying to "repent" for the A and do the right thing (in their minds) which is to ditch the spouses and THEN be together, because that makes everything OK!
waterbur, not to fear.. I would suggest you continue having sex wtih him if you are comfortable.. after a couple weeks you can send a note to OW asking her if she's been tested because you have been having sex reglarly with your H for two weeks and don't want to catch anythign from her
THAT will test what's going on here... OW won't want your H having sex with YOU if they are planning to hook up post divorce.
I strongly suggest you put a plan together here in the thread :
1. Start going to lunch with WH - puts pressure on OW to see that 2. Have WH write up No Contact Letter that both sign and sen to OW 3. Write letter to OW to ask if she's been tested - more pressure 4. Print up articles on how divorce harms children 5. Have WH end ALL contact with OW including the workplace 6. Have WH attend family therapy with you to explore damage further and to be educated on the impact choices will have on children
Number six is new... I think its important to do this, even if he's saying he's determined to get the divorce, you can tell him he needs to educate himself on the harm he's bringing to his children by doing so... This isnt' just about HIM and how HE FEELS right now... He has to consider YOU, his children AND OW H with his plans ... just beucase this is what HE wants doesnt' mean you pursue it blindly...
I am not an attorney but was told by someone who is that if the custody arrangement you've had during a separation is working well for kids that it's less likely to be changed by a judge. And there is no way on earth I'd agree to week on/week off to someone who cheated on and divorced me, I didn't become a mother only to have my job cut to part-time without my agreement. So if you don't want that schedule, don't agree to it. I don't see how you could do worse than that if you went to court.
Your sitch reminds me a lot of my own, except OW lives a few hours away. My H and I are separated, I have dropped the rope and he's been awfully friendly lately. Am pretending not to notice since he's still involved with OW as far as I know. He also thinks our S will be happy that he's happy - except WH is not and has said he's not a few times. Doesn't look happy either, he often looks depressed and he's gained weight, etc. So I have to concur with all the setting them free advice, and turning the whole thing around on them by making your life really good - GAL, 180s, and looking your best. Somehow I've got the happy life WH thought he would have, but I had a hard time getting there while still living with him, I'm sure that's really hard.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
This is from Overcomming Infidelity Waterbur.. you will do best to read the whole eBook, but this part is particularly important to you since your H isnt' following through... :
I put the important parts in bold for you
Most people just want life to return to normal after an affair. And most people know that normal, as they once knew it, is dead and gone. Reconciliation is more than just coming ho me and taking up wher e you left off. It r equires a deep level of honesty about the affair, how it began, what kept it alive, and how it was hidden from you. Recover y requires setting in place precautions and co nd itio ns that protect you from a repeat performance œ either with the current affair partner o r someone else. No one can guarantee that another affair will never happen œ but we can make it much le ss l ikel y a nd we ca n create conditions that alert us as soo n as something begins to go awry. These ar e the things negotiated during Reconciliation Phase. Of all the Phases for overcoming infidelity, Reconciliation is per haps the most counterintuitive and the one where exper t professio nal help can give you the mo st benefit.
Once you‘ve negotiated the hows and whens o f Reconciliation, the real work o f Healing beg ins. You may ne ed to r ebuild your marriage from t he ground up. As daunting as that sounds, it is the chance to have the marr iage of yo ur dreams. Havin g survived a trauma of tremendous proportio ns can give yo u the clarity of vision to live yo ur life and
your marr iage with intentio n crafting your dreams into reality.
Well, we had a very honest conversation last night about the OW. Basically what it boils down to is that I had told him he could NOT stay in the house if he was having an affair. His lawyer told him he could not leave until we had some of the legal stuff done. So he at least had the decency to tell the OW that they needed to have no contact other than essential work contact - FOR NOW. I asked how long that was going to last. He said basically when her husband moves out (he bought a house and will be out in a few weeks) and when my H and I are no longer living together they will start things back up again - "slowly this time."
So I am glad he was honest with me. Because now I know where I stand. I think it will be much, much easier to drop the rope now. I will try very hard to return to being my perky, happy self knowing that his life is going to be miserable with or without her.
I'm going to continue to make progress forward to get us into separate houses and I'm not going to care if we are ever in the same house again. And I'm going to stop thinking about reconciliation until he comes back to me, asking for another chance. And I'm not going to expect or hope for that to happen anymore. If it does, great, but it won't.
I'm finally ready to detach fully. I've invested so much time and energy into trying to do everything just right to get him back and I'm just exhausted from trying. Ready to focus on me and my kids and just let him be a little mosquito buzzing in the background that I'd love to smack dead but don't want to spend too much time or trouble on.
Just make sure he's educated WELL on the damage he's going to be doing to his kids... IGNROE his wild claims about the kids being allright and print some REAL research and puti t in front of him
Yep, I've hammered that point home and he keeps saying "our kids will be fine. As long as we continue to be good parents they will be fine." I've argued and argued the point, showing him study after study that kids of divorced parents don't do as well and he just keeps saying "those aren't our kids. Our kids will be fine."
I'M DONE. I can't keep trying to convince him he is making a mistake, about the kids, the marriage, the affair. I need to move on. Knowing in the back of my mind that he MIGHT come back. But I can't keep hoping and counting on it. I'M DONE.
