What really hurt the most is how cold she was when she said that she is just "done" and she actually told me I wasn't even her friend. She's absolutely bitter and she stated the same reasons again and she is absolutely right!
I know in the past, when I have been really mad or just tired of being burned, I just became indefferent...I don't care at all and I cut off the problem. Live or die...doesn't matter to me. Not the right way sometimes and sometimes you feel like you should make another attempt, but you train yourself in that mindset to just move on. (Now that I'm on the other end of the stick, it doesn't feel nice. So I'm not doing it this way again unless I absolutely have no choice)
I was EXTREMELY fragile yesterday due to being exhausted I felt A LOT of deep deep sadness. I'm not going to kill myself, but if I had got hit by a Bus I probably would have said thank you. I just couldn't release the pain.
Last night, right before I went to bed...when I was staring at the TV and just thinking, I heard my text received sound on my phone. My feelings were pure fear. I picked it up...and it was my Wife sending me a tell that said "Have a good night"...I texted back "Ty and u have a good night too"..... and oh boy, I proceeded to BAWL off and on for the next 3 hours. I haven't cried like that since I don't know when...My mom died a few years ago and I only shed a couple tears. Not this time, I let it out and the release was so immense I actually felt pretty good afterwords.
Afterwards I started writing goals. My absolute first priority is to fix/find myself again. With nothing to lose and everything to gain, I'm moving forward. This goal is pretty self explanatory but I need to do this also for the fact that wether my wife returns or not, I must never enter this state of mind again. Especially with someone else.
Now I'm not going to lie, I'm hoping she see's my upcoming changes too and has a change of heart, but like so many people have said, my mindset is if she does and it helps GREAT! But if it doesn't, everyone of these changes are for me and me only. In a way, it's the biggest gift I can give myself. And my biggest display of Love I can show her is by setting her free to explore her chosen path. It hurts, I will miss her, and I truly did not know what I had til it was gone, but I have to change me to ever have a shot with a successful marriage with her or anyone that might come along down the road.
I'm not going to be strong like this every moment of the day and I'll have good days and bad days where I want to revert, but I'm taking immediate steps to eliminate prolonged durations of the bad stuff.
These forums have absolutely been a God send. You all have kept me focused on reality, curbed my feelings of running to what "I want to hear", and from continually embracing negative. Thank you and I wish every single one of you to have the strength, endurance, and Love to deal with all of your hardships.
I'm pretty sure I will keep posting on all the ups and downs, but hopefully a longer time inbetween posts.
