What would give you the strength to handle being served D papers?
coach, i'm embarrassed to admit .. i bought my home, to force myself to move on. thinking that it would be a distraction so that when the bomb hits, it will be what holds my hand and keep me strong.
yes, you cannot find passion in material things. i'm still not a material person. but the idea of buying a house meant i was moving on. it's like fooling me into believing that i could handle it.
i had a goal and i was focused on it. nothing can stop me. and here i am .. still afraid.
i don't know what it will take for me to not be afraid. when h thought i was going to be vindictive and petty, he went to extremes and hoarded everything. it wasn't even necessary as i didn't put up a fight. i guess me filing is like the same thing. if you haven't filed yet, then i will. it's going to be done anyway. might as well just take control and not let me be the one who gets served.
everything i've tried so far has failed me. what will comfort me or give me strength when the bomb hits? knowing that it is coming, isn't enough either.
i torture myself with intel information. i look into it way too much and too often.
