What would give you the strength to handle being served D papers?
coach, i'm embarrassed to admit .. i bought my home, to force myself to move on. thinking that it would be a distraction so that when the bomb hits, it will be what holds my hand and keep me strong.
yes, you cannot find passion in material things. i'm still not a material person. but the idea of buying a house meant i was moving on. it's like fooling me into believing that i could handle it.
i had a goal and i was focused on it. nothing can stop me. and here i am .. still afraid.
i don't know what it will take for me to not be afraid. when h thought i was going to be vindictive and petty, he went to extremes and hoarded everything. it wasn't even necessary as i didn't put up a fight. i guess me filing is like the same thing. if you haven't filed yet, then i will. it's going to be done anyway. might as well just take control and not let me be the one who gets served.
everything i've tried so far has failed me. what will comfort me or give me strength when the bomb hits? knowing that it is coming, isn't enough either.
i torture myself with intel information. i look into it way too much and too often.
i didn't say no. i said ok. i'll talk to the ic about it. and i did. i worked on that part of me. discovered some interesting things. it wasn't as simple as not having that emotional connection. it was things my father had said to me in the past. my father once called me a whore when i went on my first date. that comment stuck to me my entire life. i was afraid to date. afraid to enjoy intimacy. because enjoying intimacy meant i was a whore. that my father was right about me. and it held me back. i could never enjoy sex because of this nagging comment in the back of my head.
after working with the ic, i now know that it's ok to enjoy it.
but my h will never know this.
He will never know if you don't tell him.
Would it make a difference in the outcome? It might. You don't know unless you try. It might make a huge difference.
Would it make a difference in the outcome? It might. You don't know unless you try. It might make a huge difference.
wouldn't that be breaking the cardinal rule of no r/m talk?
i think my ic has me convinced that he is no longer emotionally attached so it doesn't matter what i say or do. that i need to move on.
telling him this now would make little to no difference. he will not see or talk to me except when we are at the squash club. i will not discuss our private issues in public. and texting/email is too dangerous.
i would tell him if i could sense something but i sense a cold chill from him. so i just leave our conversation to general stuff.
thanks for pulling that stuff over from the newcomers post i don't like to put info in two places.
Email to STBXH - I have some business concerning the divorce that I need to discuss with you. I have decided not to tackle these issues in email, so I am inviting you to meet me for a coffee at xyz. I can do it xday or yday - which one works best for you? Any time on either of those days is good - name it. Thanks. D
When he agrees to a time and day -
D to STBXH - I have decided to move forward with our divorce. I would still like to work on our M but the writing is on the wall that you are not willing - so be it. I'm moving ahead. One of us must file - I am prepared to do so unless you already have the wheels in motion to do so. In that case, here is my lawyer's card and she/he will receive your papers. I wanted to tell you face to face that I will go forward with this. Are there any loose ends you would like to tie off with me before this ball starts rolling?
Then listen. Do not fire back. Just listen.
Why would I do this? B/c I, like Ferris Bueller's friend Cameron believe: "I am not going to sit on my a$$, as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand..."
Or...
you can hunker down in fear, waiting for him to drop D papers on you.
With my approach, you stare down what you're so damned afraid of AND you open the door for communication.
Looks win-win to me.
That's what I would do.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
i'll give a bit of an update on where the legal battle is now. our financial statements have been completed. he received mine first. his lawyer drafted a bunch of questions for us (me & lawyer) to address. along with that was his financial statement. that was received back in may. it is now july. my lawyer hasn't finished reviewing his yet. i have and i have sent my laundry list of questions and answers to his questions.
i am trying to reach the family law office in the city to determine what the procedure is for filing for d. i tried to fill out the forms over the weekend and one of the issues that has to be covered is the separation agreement (which is still currently under review). i need to clarify if this has to be completed before one files for divorce. i was under the impression that i could file at any time during separation. i need not wait until the 1 yr mark. the judge won't grant a divorce until the 1 yr mark has passed but at least i could get the paperwork in the system.
i read your speech and i have to say, i need practice. because my version of that speech is full of digs at him. "did you come with your mommy? or are we conferencing them in because you can't make a f*king decision without their hand up your a$$ like a puppet?" "it's obvious that you don't want to work on our m because you much rather spend your time hooking up with as much trash as you can before it stops working." "i'm moving ahead and filing because i'm not the procrastinator between the two of us." "my lawyer will have a response to your financial statement as soon as he stops laughing at it."
**breathe, d .. breathe **
here we go with the endless possibilities .. what if he has nothing to say? if he says no, there's nothing left to say. do i get up and walk out?
the main reason why i won't file is finances. i didn't want to pay for the divorce to begin with. but cost of divorce vs. peace of mind? to quote my h .. "it's a small price to pay".
sorry this is off topic but i promised forrest that i would give his plan a serious effort and i am going to do the work.
i did something good for someone today. a girl at work is having financial difficulty. she applied for a consolidated loan from the bank and her application was denied. her credit card bills were piling up and paying a whopping 24% interest. she was afraid that filing for bankruptcy was her only way out. and it was not an option for her. she was determined to pay off her debts herself. i can't imagine the stress.
so last night, i did some research myself and found her a free credit counselling service. it has given her some hope. perhaps they can help her with a debt repayment plan to get her back on track. i hope this works out for her.
"i don't know what it will take for me to not be afraid."
Stop being afraid. It is a choice. And to be honest.. what you are afraid of is what you are already living. He is gone. You are living your own life. You are making your own way. The reason you keep falling back into the anger trap.. is because you think you were forced into it.
You can't do anything to push him further away than he is right now. Understand that.
This idea ties in with why I have been on you to form up a statement. I wanted it to describe your thought about all this in a non-fingerpointing way. The stage you are at.. a email is not gonna cut it.. a letter is not going to cut it. It will have to be something that you can stand in front of him and deliver with "No Emotion". You don't need to understand why he left. You don't need to know what he plans to do down the road.
You need to define your thoughts as to why you think this is a poor decision on his part. Does not matter if he ever responds to it either.
It is my opinion that you do not do anything to move the D forward. Let him do it. I mean if you want to be done.. then fine. Do it.
Running short on time again.. I will be back.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
squash night was interesting. one of the guys at the club is this close to asking me out. he's asked me to play on certain days. will notice that i didn't show up when i said i might. he has invited me to beers with some other players. omg. my friends noticed that he was 'hitting' on me.
on monday night, the guy who asked me to go for sushi last time, spent an hour and a half working with me on my game. he blew a friend off when his friend tried to take him away from my "lesson" for a serious game.
the advice given to me was to smile more. oh, i smile a lot. but i was not prepared for the reaction from others.
And to be honest.. what you are afraid of is what you are already living.
i don't want my current situation to be permanent. i don't want the rest of my life to be like this.
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The reason you keep falling back into the anger trap.. is because you think you were forced into it.
yes. i am angry that i was forced into it and i never got to tear into him for doing this to me. and i'm being told that it doesn't matter at this point what i have to say. so i feel even more angry.
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You can't do anything to push him further away than he is right now. Understand that.
ok. agreed.
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This idea ties in with why I have been on you to form up a statement. I wanted it to describe your thought about all this in a non-fingerpointing way. The stage you are at.. a email is not gonna cut it.. a letter is not going to cut it. It will have to be something that you can stand in front of him and deliver with "No Emotion". You don't need to understand why he left. You don't need to know what he plans to do down the road.
i am going to spend some time to really think about this statement. what was wrong with the draft statement posted on alt? too much anger?
i am quite sure i am still driving him away but i don't know why. i have toned down the looks, cut out the digs, i don't call, i don't knock, i don't text, i don't email. all d/s talk is done via l. i have not brought up anything yet.
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You need to define your thoughts as to why you think this is a poor decision on his part. Does not matter if he ever responds to it either.
this is a challenge. to say why this is a poor decision on his part and yet try to be non-finger pointing seems impossible. a bit contradictory as well. but i get it.
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It is my opinion that you do not do anything to move the D forward. Let him do it. I mean if you want to be done.. then fine. Do it.
i'm afraid i won't be able to handle it when i get served. i have this sixth sense and for some reason, i believe it's coming. he's been noticeably absent at squash lately which means something is up. the last time he was noticeably absent, the financial statements were delivered and i threw a fit at his claims.
i also believe he's reading these posts. i have spoke about filing. so he may try to beat me to it - it's all a game to him cuz he thinks i just want to win. Win what? like how childish.
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Running short on time again.. I will be back.
i hope you will be back soon. i need to have a checkpoint meeting to gauge my progress and whether i am being effective.
Ok, enough of my drama, time to read up on someone else's.lol.
D, you are a tough, tough girl. You definitely put up a tough exterior that hides a lot of emotion. As someone else posted, you jump to mindread others, so you don't have to actually interact with them and find out if you are right or wrong.
And you jump to a lot of the most negative of conclusions. Your H was no stranger to this trait of yours.
Poeple are drawn to the positive. You are working on that. Don't be surprised if your H is CONFLICTED that you are now a bundle of smiles and positivity. And getting the attraction of others. Why couldn't he have been the recipient of this? In his mind you may be treating strangers better than you treated him.
How would you feel if you witnessed your H spending lavishly on a new person? How does he feel that you are positive and smiling with someone else? If your friends can "see" that this guy is interested in you, don't you think your H has picked up on this?
I think it's a positive myself. If he was over you, he would be happy for you. He doesn't seem too happy.
