And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[beingreal]

(((PEI)))

That was a great post. Very honest. And I totally and completely understand what you are saying.

Standing down for my M was a difficult decision--but the only one that would allow me to finish healing. Mine had gotten so bad that it literally threatened to destroy us as people. Physically, emotionally, psychologically.

I am grateful for H & for this journey. I can not imagine trying to go through this without this place and the people here. I would be lost without the lessons I have learned from here.

I have so much further to go. I continue to push myself for answers to the questions people pose for me here (questions that just keep coming and coming).

MHL is right, as long as we can do this without resentment and anger, then we are doing what is best for us.

I still feel badly for H. I hate seeing him in so much pain. But now I know that I can't fix it. I can't fix him. I pray he finds his way through it. For himself.

I don't think that there is a path back to me. Right now I'd say no. MHL, that is something that a friend & I keep hashing over & over again. I say the door is closed forever & they say it can't be.

I'm not so sure about that. I think, for me, that saying the door is open, even a crack, is still saying that I hope he will come back. Come back. Back. To me that is the same as backwards. I don't want to go back to that. Not ever. Nothing good can come from going *back*. I need to close that door, seal it shut and paint over it.

I can't imagine that a new door could ever open for he & I. I think trying to imagine it would just slow down the progress I'm making right now. Right now I'm doing this just for me. If I start talking about "maybe", then I start wondering how the things I'm doing now will affect the make-believe future I have with him. It doesn't matter because there isn't one. Thinking anything differently is just a waste of time for me. kwim?

I think you are doing great. This is really hard.