okaaaaayyyy. I have now caught up to your sitch and my first question is (no anger here, just curious): what makes you say I remind you of your wife? seriously?
Trying to scan through and address some random stuff. I know you said you don't want anything 'harsh' or 'tough love', but we can't effectively help you without telling you plainly what we see and think is good for you. If that sounds 'harsh' because it's not what you want to hear, well, I'm not sure what to say. I'll give you a ((((hug)))) first, just in case- none of this is meant to be harsh; it's meant to help you take care of yourself and chart a healthy direction.:
- where are your kid(s?)? Are you seeing them? She sounds completely unstable- you seem like you're not in great shape and I'm worried- who are these kids with? Are you guys focusing on them as a priority? I'm not criticizing, just concerned since you've barely mentioned them and things seem so chaotic- to focus on them can give you a purpose for living and stopping craziness, if anything can . So, they may help you as much as you can help them now. - you said you didn't think she was in pain. Re-read what you wrote about her behavior- pills, crying, hysteria, marrying some stranger- does that sound like someone who's NOT in pain? - You need to take a deep breath and step back. Set up some major boundaries and revert to some basic survival techniques- folks have given you really good input here: - see your therapist- twice a week if you have to. If they aren't helping, find a new one. - get out of the house as much as you can to focus on GAL and being enveloped in your support system. - Figure out what your kids need right now and make sure they're taken care of- it helps them and gives you a daily purpose. - take your meds if they're prescribed. If it's been longer than 6 weeks (it hasn't, has it?) and they're not helping, go back ASAP and talk with your doc about upping the dosage or switching meds. - exercise- it's a mood booster and good for you. - make sure you are eating right and regularly. I can't tell you how much it will help if you make sure of this- your brain and heart need good food to make rational decisions and fight through this. - you wrote: "The date last night helped. Self esteem takes along time to achieve. ....Heck, my ex is married, my self esteem is not going to go up because I start liking myself one day. It will go up when i forget about my R and move on. "
My concern is that you are equating your self-esteem with a W loving you- that's what "moving on" means to you. Is that fair to say? Have you discussed this with your IC? Nothing will happen suddenly one day. And if the s-e happens b/c of a new relationship, it is not REAL or lasting. Only you can do that, alone, for yourself. Are you worth it? Do you love yourself enough to do this? Are you prepared to work on it, work for it?
- I hear you go back and forth with "I'm not going to contact her", etc. but then in the next breath you've not only had contact, but she's dragged you back down into the insanity. I think you need to stop this. If you want this woman back ever, you need to make sure you take care of yourself now and allow her to feel the consequences of her decisions. - I also hear you say very wise, coherent things like "She made her choice and it wasn't me so i don't need to dignify her with any kind of response from me or any chasing or pleading. Now it is time to move forward." THAT you need to print out and stick on your wall and read it every day. - Then, I see things like a couple days ago where she called you, etc. First of all- the way to avoid getting sucked in is that you DON'T take her calls. You let it go to vmail and decide if it's crazy- then you hit delete. Or if not, you think very hard about whether you want to respond and how. You can always respond later- but once you do, you can't take it back.
The fact that she called you in that state, then texted later (or let her H, which means she told him everything) and mentioned the police, etc. means she is not in her right mind now. You cannot have a logical, productive "conversation" with someone like this, and she shows NO evidence of wanting to change herself, pursue a sane, healthy R with you, or get un-married. Any of those things - concrete proof of them- would be signs that she is even a tiny bit ready to move forward with you. I don't see any. And the more you let her in, listen to her, the longer it's going to take for you to heal and grow. Do you want a R with someone who is acting like this? Nevermind what is underneath- the only thing you can base decisions on now is who she is being now. If you can list the ways in which having an R with her in her state is a positive thing for YOU, I'd like to read them.
Where is this coming from: "I am being stupid am I not. I should just let it go. I just really love this women. She is not good for me and she is married to someone she doesn't even know. I was her husband for 9 years. This is really stupid that some guy that met her 15 days ago is telling me to stay away. Hell, I am staying away."
Sometimes you're able to be so clear with stuff like that but then you take her calls? That doesn't make sense. I know you love her, but to have any chance of getting her back, you need to let go now. It's counter-intuitive, but if you read through a lot more threads here, you will see that this is the only thing that can work, if it even does.
"I just told her if she is happy then stay, if she is not come home. just reading this makes me sick that I am so stupid to consider. She is not good for me .... she wouldn't even stand up and tell him how much she was saying she loved me. But is she right for me. ... is she just a messed up crazy? "
You have answered all of your questions with your own posts.
Look, I can feel your pain coming off every page you write. I have been in the depths of depression myself, so I know of what I speak. I have been in the place where it seems like there is no choice but to end it, permanently. But the way to end that pain is not A) ending your life B) trying to convince her to come back to you or C) listening to the crazy-making and trying to reason with it. It is to GAL, work on yourself, take steps back and set clear boundaries that give you the space and time to find yourself, feel good about yourself, and when you do, decide if this is something you really want.
. So, they may help you as much as you can help them now.