We feel like we *know* each other, we make assumptions and jump to conclusions. We read into posts and comments and form ideas and opinions on the stuff we see. Be careful with that. Just sayin’...
Did you mean I have no idea of what type of novel to write on the boards. Sorry just messing with you PEI.
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We feel like we *know* each other, we make assumptions and jump to conclusions. We read into posts and comments and form ideas and opinions on the stuff we see. Be careful with that. Just sayin’.
I do not think any of us jump to conclusions. We only have what you post as a point of reference. Personally, it is why I threw out my story for all to see. The more everyone knows of who I am the better the advice can be. Just sayin….
The anger…
I understand that you are tying to control those emotions. Yep I get it. What I would caution you on is that THE ANGER must come out. It must. It must be released for your real healing to begin. As hard as it may be…let out that anger. Sometime we think we are changing our behavior because we are not screaming and kicking anymore – maybe this is a behavioral change – maybe it is not. Only YOU really know for sure.
The peace that you may be feeling may be YOU suppressing the anger. Suppressing it will not help YOU in the long run. Trust me when I tell you, it will rear its ugly head in the future and this is what you want to avoid. For me personally, I suppressed it for a while. I tried not the deal with it and then I realized that when I do suppress the anger, it eventually slips out. It slips out in the interactions with my W. It slips out at work. Some time subtle but out it come none the less. So please PEI…make sure you deal with the anger. IMO – it takes a LONG TIME. It does not happen overnight.
In terms of your choice to stand or not stand – it is a very personal one. As someone once told me..whatever you do…make sure you do it with NO REGRET.
PEI – I remember when you first arrived. I do. You seemed like you had it together. You seemed like you had a plan, a plan that you were executing on perfectly. Then overnight…it appeared..the plan changed. This is what concerns me. It concerns me not so much for you but for the kids. I too have 3 children and the choice to stand or not stand is one that should not be taken lightly. I am not here to tell you want to do. It’s not my life. It is your. Personally, take the “standing” out of the equation. Take the words out of the mix..then…continue to be the best you can be. Let your H decide what he wants to do. We all make mistakes. You, I, your H, my W. Everyone. It is how we deal with the mistake that help to show us who we are.
I will leave you with this…..a very, very simple phrase. “No regrets”. Whatever you do “No regrets”. If you are not 100% sure, then do nothing. Sometimes nothing is actually more than we think. Do overanalyze, do overthink, just be…be still…
Finally, I felt the same way about the “you pulled me through song”…the same way.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
That was a great post. Very honest. And I totally and completely understand what you are saying.
Standing down for my M was a difficult decision--but the only one that would allow me to finish healing. Mine had gotten so bad that it literally threatened to destroy us as people. Physically, emotionally, psychologically.
I am grateful for H & for this journey. I can not imagine trying to go through this without this place and the people here. I would be lost without the lessons I have learned from here.
I have so much further to go. I continue to push myself for answers to the questions people pose for me here (questions that just keep coming and coming).
MHL is right, as long as we can do this without resentment and anger, then we are doing what is best for us.
I still feel badly for H. I hate seeing him in so much pain. But now I know that I can't fix it. I can't fix him. I pray he finds his way through it. For himself.
I don't think that there is a path back to me. Right now I'd say no. MHL, that is something that a friend & I keep hashing over & over again. I say the door is closed forever & they say it can't be.
I'm not so sure about that. I think, for me, that saying the door is open, even a crack, is still saying that I hope he will come back. Come back. Back. To me that is the same as backwards. I don't want to go back to that. Not ever. Nothing good can come from going *back*. I need to close that door, seal it shut and paint over it.
I can't imagine that a new door could ever open for he & I. I think trying to imagine it would just slow down the progress I'm making right now. Right now I'm doing this just for me. If I start talking about "maybe", then I start wondering how the things I'm doing now will affect the make-believe future I have with him. It doesn't matter because there isn't one. Thinking anything differently is just a waste of time for me. kwim?
I think you are doing great. This is really hard.
Last edited by beingreal; 07/12/1007:20 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
It is like having a life preserver (the "maybe")...do you really learn how to swim if you have that to grab on to?
Perhaps some people do...but the temptation to grab that life preserver is too high for most people. IMO
Excellent point. I've jumped into the deep end, it's time to either sink or swim. Sinking isn't really an option, and treading water isn't much better.
I can't really swim while still holding on.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
See what I think is taking the whole stand for yourself thing a couple steps PAST the intention. Self respect IS a good thing, and like flirting...good in proper moderation.
We can ALL take self respect too far as well and turn it into narcissism.
Standing for yourself is awesome. Thumbs up. Using it as an excuse to move past your marriage however, and justifying it that you two never really belong together and you just 'flicked' on the lightswitch of enlightenment after 15 years of marriage?
Not so thumbs up.
I admitt to jumping to conclusions. I am glad that you admitt to showing us what we know about you. : )
No regrets PEI. That is all I ask of you.
I do not want your thanks if your chocie is hasty and ill thought out. I do not want your thanks for bad judgement because it feels like control to you.
Were you really wrong for 15 years?
I doubt that, I ultimately think, that you are letting your fear control you, and convincing yourself otherwise.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I doubt that, I ultimately think, that you are letting your fear control you, and convincing yourself otherwise.
Very insightful, Jack. I know because I started down PEI's thought path briefly, then stopped myself and promptly turned around. I realized that I was only lying to myself to make this easier.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
