So, one of my big issues right now is trying to figure out when to move out. Can't share all details, but it will have to be me who finds an apartment. We have lived in our own house, so sadly (like a lot of you I'm sure), my kid won't have a yard anymore, and we'll be in a tiny not-so-great apartment. I will have little to nothing in the way of $ support from H so have to be careful to get something I know I can easily afford. We have pets which are making that harder to find- I can't imagine either not seeing them regularly or having to go to H's house to see them, so it would be nice to find an apt that takes them (very hard to find) - even if I do, they won't have a yard, either...
But I can't decide the timing. There's a hard stop in several months by which I have to be moved out that has nothing to do with D (sorry, can't explain- I know, it's annoying). And no, I cannot make H move out, he will keep and live in the house. I not only couldn't afford the house, but technically it's his.
Living together now is for $ reasons and for our child to not shake things up too much yet, and also b/c I don't have a fully-formed plan. Financially, it makes a lot of sense. But emotionally, it's getting harder each week. I can tough it out, and we don't fight openly or anything- child is too young to notice anything yet. But it's the daily jabs and passive-aggressiveness that's getting to me. Also, I feel like there should be a temporary agreement in place re: $ and custody for me to go.
So, please help me out guys:
- if you moved out and kids are involved, did you agree on a temporary custody arrangement before you went? Did it form the basis of the permanent one? I just don't want to shoot myself in the foot by establishing something that may not work in the long-run. I've heard that legally, it's hard to change something that's established like that. - same question for temporary support- I *might* get a little child support, that's it. Do I ask for it now or will I still be able to get it later, even though I'll have been living on my own without it by then?
And, if anyone can help with these- here's some pros and cons to the moving now:
PROS for moving now - I'll be doing it on my own schedule and be able to take my time moving, etc. if I start now, rather than hitting that hard stop. - I'll be out of H's daily interactions - I'm afraid if I don't move on one of the apts I found(not so great, but one of few that takes the pets) now, it will be gone in a month or two. - child will have a pool for rest of summer and hanging out at a pool is also a good way to make new friends for her and me before the fall sets in
CONS - I'm not 100% sure what rent I can afford, esp depending on how much of child's daycare I have to pay. I'm working on figuring this out, but it's very complicated. - I'll suddenly have no regular free childcare (I'm actually very lucky in that I get to go out pretty regularly to do stuff for me, and although it's a little like pulling teeth, H will stay home with child when I do- moving out makes that a lot harder). - will shake up child sooner than we need to - no custody, support, pet custody decided yet, and these may be hard to negotiate now, particularly any child support- H will balk and become nasty, I think. - Hence, I probably won't have my child more than 50% of the time, which won't be good for me or my child. I don't think my child can go w/out seeing me fore more than a day. - even though it's what he wants, H will probably be pissed if I go now - I don't need him meaner and more vindictive, we still have to negotiate. - won't have A/C except in the living room, which right now is a problem. I'm home all day and don't tolerate the heat well. - I have no furniture- this is hard to explain. In a few months, I'll have access to some that's now in storage, but most of it is too big for an apt. I have no bed, dresser, desk, etc. so would have to buy all of that before moving. - if I wait a little longer til I know more if I'll get any child support, it might open up some more possibilities in terms of what I can afford. - I'll have to start paying a lot more with a new rent, sooner, when I could be saving money or paying off debt. - I am very sure that I will be obsessed with H's whereabouts and who he'd with if I couldn't keep an eye on him. There's no OW, I'm pretty sure, but my imagination runs wild already (with no proof of anything- I'm just like that) and I see him everyday. - I'm afraid it will "cement" the D process. No one has filed yet, but if I go, he may think that I'm 100% done and I'm not sure I want to send that message....
Looks like there are more cons, but a lot of them are going to be true no matter when I move. It's a question of whether life will be better or worse if I do it now and how much sooner, or for how much longer. Several friends are urging me to move out b/c they see how the interactions with H are affecting me daily, but it just seems like there are a lot of reasons not to do that before I have to...
Btw, I have an IC and discuss all this with that person regularly. I'm not in any danger, but it's getting me down a lot of days to live with him...
