Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

[doing my best]

Well....I guess it is time to share my story. It is SOOO similar that this site has given me a lot of hope that perhaps I can turn this around. I have read so many siches and tried to garner advice which has really helped. Would probably still be in beggy/whinny/ILY mode had I not found DR and this site.

Married 18 years...together for 22. I am 46 she is 45. 3 Kids. I have not been a very good at showing my love. Not very much ILY over the years. Believe we had grown apart but thought that it was kids, family, careers, etc. I had also been very stressed....often over the past 2 or 3 years using angry outburst toward W and Kids. I love them dearly but put so much emotion in at work that when I came home...nothing left. A big part has been my ADD which was diagnosed 10 years ago. Started but stopped medication. Everything I read on Adult ADD points to a huge reason as to why my marriage went south....pre-occupied, no paying attention to emotions of wife, scattered, "the 4th kid" as she has now told me.

The day the bombs started dropping....yelled one more time about lights being left on. W says stop yelling I can't take it anymore. Tone was different so I approach her and ask if everything is OK. She begins to tell me about my angry outburst and that we need to go to counseling and that she did not know if I loved her anymore. Of course I assured her very sincerely and she says she had not heard me say that before. She says I have lost a spirit and should and that our marriage has lacked any passion. I agree with her because I knew things were not clicking. Anyway, it seemed positive....we went a few days and started talking. I started soul searching. She denied there was another. I write her a few letters. Agree to counseling. Start saying I love you more.

Week 2 - we start counseling. That day I check the phone records...OMG in 2 1/2 previous months....almost 3000 text messages and 40 hours of phone calls. Password was changed and deception uncovered. It was an EZ with old college boyfriend who had recently reconnected on FB. In counseling she agrees to break-off all contact. Send me an apology note saying she is sorry....to forgive her....and that she is committed to working on our relationship. Also adds in a "reintroduction” of who she is....what she likes...etc. I am hurt but do forgive her because I know I will need to. Should have waited because it took me several more weeks to really forgive. That night we try to be intimate and it somehow fades....I can't perform. Next day we talk and she says it felt awkward....I am like a son to her. First I have heard that. That is pretty much the last time she touched me. Also that week I begin medication for ADD. The affects are instant. I begin to work on my habits and things that have irritated her for years. She continually keeps saying that I need to work on myself and not on us. She says she is emotionally drained and cannot do anything but work on herself...wants to start a business, get in shape, etc. I agree but do not understand why not work on us also.

Weeks 3 to 5....I begin to soul search. find dr. Harley....DB, DR, Deepak Chopra, etc. I begin to work on myself and realize that must be done. But I cannot break out of the ILY, letters, talking about the past, etc. W is willing to still go out and spend time, willing to go on back porch and talk. We talk so much that she finally says enough. MC says to stop talking about past and start talking about present. We both agree and try to catch each other. She continues to say that she has no feelings for me. I ask her if she has any secrets to tell me know. She finally says that she thinks she still has feelings for old BF. She hopes she can lose them. Hopes she can find feelings back for me....but I cannot get her to say WANT...just hope. Can't control my emotions and anxiety. She looks at me at one point and tells me to relax she is not going anywhere. Has not set time limit and I need to stop trying so hard. I go back to Dr. and get low dose of Sertaline/Zoloft.

Week 6 - reading these posts and DR 3 times....I realize that I must move forward. Begin to craft strategy to work on myself...act as if and do 180. I have not yelled or done disrespectful comments since Bomb first dropped. We finally stop discussing past and try moving forward.

Week 7 and 8 - I come across notes W was making. She is still planning an exit. Feels no emotional connection to me. Things have gone from bad to worse. I am set back but at the beginning of this week #7 I finally hit her straight on with the talk of I am stepping back and trying to give her space. Let's just have fun. Spend time with the kids. Enjoy each day. She says thank-you. I tell her that I want to keep family together while we work on ourselves and issues. The next 2 weeks are hard on me but we have fun....go dancing, go out with friends, do things with kids. I think I can turn the corner here and apply DB for the next couple of weeks and months. Try hard to remind myself of patience and other hints here on site.

Week 9 - this weekend W and I talk. I do not bring anything up but somehow she launches into nothing has changed for her. She feels nothing towards me. Says that she has just been going with the flow and not really putting a lot of effort. I am devastated but keep very good composure (thanks to everyone here and what I have read)...tell her that I am moving forward with or without her. I have lost weight...I feel good and would love to share my life with her as I continue to work on myself BUT if she chooses, she can leave. Wow...takes conversation in new direction for next 2 days. She brings up idea of separation so she can find herself. I say if that is her choice but why not work on self here. I will give space and we can look for separation opportunities....weeks at family....or long weekends. But for some reason I think she wants to move out still but says not interested in Divorce.

This is where we are now. Our first joint MC is this week. Counselor says we are ready to meet together. I have seen baby steps in past 3 weeks since I stepped back and started full DB. However, she has hardly responded to me. So....I now suspect the EA is still going on...or she definitely still has feelings for him. She admits that she has continued moving further away from me....has negative emotions towards me that she wants to get over but does not know how....and cannot remember anything good in the last 18 years. Feels that it has been a nightmare she is now waking up from. She never told me how unhappy she was and was ALWAYS over the top with love and affection towards me which I freely admit I probably got used to and took advantage of.

More but all of it is WAW script. really unbeleivable.

Thanks!