And the "I wish I could be the husband you need me to be " stuff is his guilt about this plot of his... Ya I think he is planning something and he feels bad about it...
Maybe you could confront him on the D when eh says he wants to "get on with the rest of his life" you can call him on it :
"You mean run off with OW after the divorce is filed..." And walk away... I think he needs to know you are't stupid and he does NOT have the upper hand here...
Most divorces can be stalled for quite a while if you want to do that...
Yes, I am in touch with the OW husband fairly frequently. We keep tabs on the spouses, like when my husband went to his parent's house this weekend I called the OW's husband to see if she was home (she was). I don't have friends at the workplace, but OW's husband does and he's been letting me know what he hears. I also still have the keystroke logger on his home computer, so I can check that at least.
And my lawyer is on board with slowing the divorce down as much as possible, so I'll keep up with that. It will be at least 6 months before the divorce is final because of the kids.
We talked last night about me coming up with a few questions about the affair that I'd like to get answered, I was thinking that one of them should be "what did you say when you broke off contact with her? Did you say we're done forever or done for now?" and see what his response is. Not that I will necessarily believe his response but I can at least ask.
You may also want to print out some good articles on how divorce harms children and leave them lying around in your work area at home.. you don't want to THROW them at him, but you do want him to see you are doing more research on this ...
If he IS guilty throwing harm to kids into teh mix will just add to his guilt and put more pressure on him to REALLY end things... RIhgt now it does NOT sound like its over at all.... Just toned down for a few months...
I honeslty think if you stop asking questions and start asking him to make some commitments to DEMEONSTRATE its over he will start to fight you...
He thinks he's got you fooled becuase you are focussing on the past and just want info from him instead of actual actions to demonstrate he MEANS what he says...
He can say he's sorry, but sorry needs to be expressed in ACTION... Sorry means "I'll stop the divorce", sorry means "I will end all contact with her at work and write a letter for both of us to send to her" etc
Not just sorry and then he walks away blubbering playing victim.. that's not an apology, its an escape
I strongly suggest you put a plan together here in the thread :
1. Start going to lunch with WH - puts pressure on OW to see that 2. Have WH write up No Contact Letter that both sign and sen to OW 3. Write letter to OW to ask if she's been tested - more pressure 4. Print up articles on how divorce harms children 5. Have WH end ALL contact with OW including the workplace 6. Have WH attend family therapy with you to explore damage further and to be educated on the impact choices will have on children
Number six is new... I think its important to do this, even if he's saying he's determined to get the divorce, you can tell him he needs to educate himself on the harm he's bringing to his children by doing so... This isnt' just about HIM and how HE FEELS right now... He has to consider YOU, his children AND OW H with his plans ... just beucase this is what HE wants doesnt' mean you pursue it blindly...
You see WB, the problem here is your H's revealing the PAST to you, it eases HIS guilt about what he's planning for the future.
There is no pressure on your part to PROTECT this from happening AGAIN... just talk.. So your H has the upper hand here... He's offered a trifle by moving his desk at work and not pursuing her anymore, but there really aren't any walls built up yet to block OW out... He's not offering those.. He doens't want to most likely...
I would STOP asking questions about the PAST, it just makes him feel less guilty about what he's secretly planning.. and it IS a secret, he's hiding by saying he wants to "get on with his life" etc... thats a LIE
I would pressure him to make some real gestures to show you the affair is OVER and include gensures that will pressure OW to think he's reconsidering divorce...
Real actions need to be taken by him here.. He's just throwing up a smoke screen right now...
Okay, so say I ask him to do/ I do the six items you suggest. And he flatly says no to the items I ask him to do. What are my consequences? He has said he wants a divorce and doesn't want to work on the relationship - what cards do I still hold?
We are still living in the same house and he has refused to leave, despite my asking several times. I feel like I have two options - to try and repair our relationship, rebuild the intimacy, etc. while he's not having contact with the OW, or just go as dark as possible with the two of us still living in the same house. The second option I sort of tried last week but ended up caving on because it's hard when we act completely normal with the kids at dinner. Rebuilding the relationship of course feels like the right road to take, and is what I've been doing the past two days and resulted in the intimate episode last night. So which road is the right one?
Deep down inside I just want him and the OW to start up again and screw their relationship up quickly (as we all know it will) so he will come crawling back. And then I get to decide if I want to take him back or not. Sigh...
He could run off with OW but it might take THREE YEARS for that affair to fall apart... Most LBS' can't wait that long.. they lose hope and file or end up in the hospital ill because they coudl'nt cope iwth the abandonment
You need to start applying pressure on OW to back off if you can... what is OW's H position here? Is he trying to repair the marriage or is he shutting down?
You can try and rebuild things.. if he IS trying to steer clear of her for six months that gives you six months wtih him... To educate him that divorce is going to do a SERIOUS number on his kids long term... He likleky has the same attitude all cheaters have - "The kids'll be fine..."
They arne't.. you can read chatper one of DR and you will learn that one pretty quick... Just read CallasDAd's posts yesterday night and you will see that loud and clear
