I will try to set up a meeting with myself and her parents ASAP. Hopefully it will happen tonight.
How do I react if she comes home tonight and says she's done and wants a divorce? What do I say? Do I leave at that point and give up?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
SG, you need to understand your wife is stubborn right now. She is giong to try to PUSH you away to make HERSELF feel less guilty. SHe will do this by saying nasty things to hurt you like "we are done", "it's over", "I love you but i'm not in love wiht you" etc...
I would just reply with :
"And OM's meddling has nothing to do wtih any of htat right?"
And walk away, don't wait for a response... just walk away... and say it CALMNLY liek you don't buy it for a second... not smirky, but calmnly with confidence.
You need to understand she DOES feel some level of guilt, she is goint to thrash about to deal iwth it... she will make excuses and threaten and cry and yell...
Just keep the pressure on her without losing control...
If she takls about the divorce again you can also point out :
"This is OUR decision, NOT Just yours, and certainly NOT HIS..." and walk away...
Your wife is giong to try to bait you into fights ... SHe's giong to try to make nasty fights to JUSTIFY leaving... So you dont' give her any...
When she says something mean or tries to provoke an argument, just get up and calmnly walk away... get OUT of the war zone ... HER emotions are rushing around JUST LIKE YORUS ARE...
You need to AVOID that turning into a field battle. YOU CONTROL your emotions and get OUT of the war zone or this will spiral downward.
The idea is, she's going to try to make th marriage as miserable as possible so she can be OK about ending it.
YOU give her ZERO reasons for that by being an adult. You fix up the home, you meet with her parents for dinner. YOu throw a party at your place. You be an ADULT and watch her panic and spin out of control.. let her squirm... She's going through teh same emotiosn you are... She just doens't have the education to DEAL in a healthy manner and she has a OM prick pulling strings to make things worse for her...
THe Family Therapist is like an ANTI-OM... If you want the marriage to get BETTER you talk to a licensed professional with a background in social work who understands addiction and infidelity.
The OM does the OPPOSITE.. Rather than helping repair the marriage, his agenda is to tear it apart. You gotta go on the offensive there and have her parents tell him to STOP MEDDLING and to GET LOST
And you can consider doing the same ..
You will need to start collecting INTEL as well... QS is our counter-intelligence specialist here on teh forum so its best to talk to him.. there are a LOT of great ideas to find out what's going on...
Intel. Got it. Is that just so I can continue to have proof that the affair is continuing?
I will remain calm. I will not fight. I will walk away from her heated conversations.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
And you can consider doing the same ..
Can you elaborate on this? I'm not sure what you meant.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Doing the same as her parents... I am not always fond of confornting OM.. It all depends on the lieklihood of positive results...
If you confronted him and told him to stop meddling and manipulating your wife... do yout hink he will just laugh at you?
You need the INTEL becuase you need to know what your wife's planning... She may send him notes telling him she will try to fool you into thinking she's changed her mind and go to FT for six months but will tell him in a secret email she is just diong it to quieten you up etc...
You need to KNOW what if anything she's saying to him behind your back...
You will be SHOCKED to read some of the stuff she will say to him behind your back in private... But you DO need to know that info...
They may be laughing at you, She may be telling him that she doesn't feel right about this and that she feels guilty... He may be pressuring her and even LYING to her about you and telling her things taht aren't true... "Your H said this about you five months ago... yada yada..."
Doing the same as her parents... I am not always fond of confornting OM.. It all depends on the lieklihood of positive results...
If you confronted him and told him to stop meddling and manipulating your wife... do yout hink he will just laugh at you?
You need the INTEL becuase you need to know what your wife's planning... She may send him notes telling him she will try to fool you into thinking she's changed her mind and go to FT for six months but will tell him in a secret email she is just diong it to quieten you up etc...
You need to KNOW what if anything she's saying to him behind your back...
I'm not sure if he'd laugh. I think he'd be shocked that I stood up to him. He's one of those people that people don't often stand up to.
I need help with intel. QS? I tried doing some searching for past threads but am coming up short.
Update- phone logs must have been slow last night. She spoke with OM for 30 minutes, starting almost immediately after I left.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
You KNOW now that this is a SERIOUS affair if she's calling HIM after discussig divorce with you... and 30 mins is a LONG chit chat.. She's taking advice from HIM on how to proceed most likley.. I woudl like to know what was said..., But you can likley guess....
Does she have her own car to drive? You can put a prepaid phone in it with GPS, or an auto recording device to pick up her phone calls when she calls him from her car... you will only get to record her half of the convo, but it does help
Re OM : Is there anyone in circle of friends or family that you can turn to for additional support... I would like to see HER parents confront OM themsselves AND you and some other famly of yours meet wtih him for a chat as well... even some friends of both you and him maybe..
THe more people you get involved to expose to the better... you want to paint him out as a meddling manipulator who is messing with yoru wife's head at a very critical time...
He's a predator and he should be xposed as one to anyone who will be offended by him and apply some pressure to tell him to get lost and stop meddling..
