Situation continues to evolve for me. W has definitely pulled back a good amount. I can see she is struggling, and she is trying to be honest, rather than play games. She found out she has two herniated discs in her neck, and may need to have surgery. She was devastated by the news. She told me on the phone friday, and I could hear she was scared and upset. I knew she was at her office, so as a 180 for me, I decided to make a stop in there to see her. I showed up at her office, something I've never done before. She looked shocked, and asked "What are you doing here?" I just smiled and said "On the phone you sounded like you needed a hug", and I reached out and hugged her. She grabbed hold and hugged back for quite a while. Her accountant (an older woman) was there, and she introduced me as her husband. We chit chatted for a few minutes, then I said I had to go. Before I left I said "It would be my pleasure to take you and the kids to dinner tonight, if you'd like." She enthusiastically said "Absolutely!"
I had plans for the night, but they weren't until later, so I picked up W and kids at her house after work. W was still pretty stressed out, and wasn't dealing well with the kids. We went out to eat, and had a great time. Went back to W's house, and I said I have to go since I have plans. W was in so much of a better mood, she and the kids asked if I could stay for one game of cards, and I said sure. After the game I left to go to a concert with friends. W seemed light and happy when I left. She thanked me for the night, and told me it totally changed her mood, and that she's now fine to handle the kids.
Her neck has finally been feeling better enough for us to go out on a date. She had asked me a few weeks ago if I'd take her out on a nice date, get all dressed up, etc, and I said sure. Saturday night was the night we planned to go. We went to a fabulous restaurant we've wanted to go to for years. Perfect weather. Our conversation covered a lot of ground.
She is struggling so much. I actually do feel sorry for her. She had been pulling back over the last couple weeks, not very affectionate with me, no talk about us or the future. No anger either, just some distance. I wanted to get everything right out on the table, so I opened right up:
Me: "If this isn't going anywhere good, I'm really okay with us just stopping." W: "I know I've been distant lately, there's so much going on for me with my neck right now, I just don't have anything left for dealing with us." Me: I know her, and I know she was using that as an excuse to explain her pullback. I said "I know it's been hard on you, but that's not it. I was happy a few months ago, and I have be honest, I'm not as happy now." W: "I know you were happy, and I don't want you being devastated again, so if at any point you want to stop doing this, just let me know and we can stop." Me: I was a bit insulted by her attitude that I was some lovesick puppy, and she was forced to offer to be a martyr to prevent me from getting hurt. That BS, so I said "I'm not capable of being devastated anymore, it has nothing to do with that. I am very clear about what I want out of a R, and if this isn't going to satisfy that, then I'm fine moving on." W: She was surprised, and just said "Oh, ok."
We were together for four hours, the conversation wandered all over. The restaurant we were at was ridiculously romantic, and we were being very affectionate. We were probably one of those couples the other patrons were noticing, for all of our physical touching and our eyes never leaving each other. W started being very honest about how she's feeling.
W: "I've never thought I'd be with anyone when I was an old woman. I always just envisioned myself alone. I don't know why." Me: I just nodded and listened, and said "Interesting." W: She lightened up a little, then said "I don't know, sometimes I think I can maybe have a few more opportunities to get laid, then just settle into being alone." Me: I was really appreciating her opening up to me, but it's hard to hear your W talk about getting laid. W: Funny, then she asked "When you're out, do women hit on you?" Me: I laughed and said "Middle aged women are so desperate." W: "Thanks a lot!" She got more serious and said "I look at myself in the mirror, and I see all these wrinkles. I was never good at picking up men, and now I know whatever looks I had are fading." Me: I started to say something, and she cut me off. W: "I'm not fishing for a compliment. Really." Me: I can see she'll just think any attempt at me telling her how physically attractive she is will sound like I'm arguing with her self assessemtn, so I say "W, you are smart, and fun, and interesting." W: "No I'm not, I mean, I know I can read people, and I'm insightful into emotions, I know that, but other than that, there's really not a whole lot else I have to offer." Me: I can see she is really hurting inside. I say "W, one thing I've realized being out there is how much it means to me to be with someone who is interested in talking about things, different ideas, willing to give almost anything a chance, and you are. That's very appealing, trust me." W: She's still not entirely buying it, and says "I really need a hobby or two." Me: "Sounds great, what do you want to do?" Then I lightened back up, and had to tease her a little. I said "I have to admit, when we started spending time together, I was a little shocked how much you are into TV. You asked me what shows I watch, and there aren't any, and you have a list of shows you're into, so yeah, I think a hobby would be great!" W: Playfully hits me and says "Jerk!"
What has become apparent to me is how much she had been relying on her A to take the place of real growth, and now she's feeling that. She's on her own, and she feels boring and old. Wow, amazing how these situations progress.
Another interesting bit of conversation.
Me: "W, I have taken serious stock of myself, and done serious relfecting how I failed as a husband. I've expressed that to you, and I've owned it. I have to say, I haven't heard much from you about your part." W: Gets uncomfortable, and looks a little scared, then says "I know, I know there are things we need to talk about." Me: "W, you have a burden to carry, and you don't even seem to acknowledge that, let alone show me you're willing to accept it." W: Just nods in response. Me: I'm getting increasingly frustrated with her continued satisfaction with this limbo, so I say "W, seemed to me you were interested in me sexually a few weeks ago, but I'm not feeling any of that any more. A part of me thinks that it's just not there, so maybe we should just admit that." W: She got a little angry and said "H, if it wasn't there, I wouldn't be here. When we're making out, I get turned on. It's working, trust me, but there is still old stuff between us holding me back. If and when we get there, I want to be ML to you completely, without anything in the way." Me: The look on her face was very convincing, so I smiled, and said "Wow... ok."
We talked about many more light things, and did some fun flirting. Our dinner was over and we went to leave. We were upstairs at the restaurant, and we had to walk down a set of back stairs to get out. At the bottom of the stairs I realized we were in complete privacy. She had taken a step into the main dining room, and I said "Hey" and I pulled her back to the landing of the stairs, and into me. I aggressively kissed her and grabbed her sexually, for just a moment, then smiled and said "Now we can go", and started walking. She was stunned, and came up to me and whispered something playful and sexual in my ear. We walked out with her arms wrapped around my side.
A park was nearby. We drove there and parked, and walked through the park. A big gazebo was in the middle, all lit up. Completely unplanned, I led her up the steps of the gazebo, and grabbed her and we started to slowly dance, with no music! People were all around, they must have thought we were nuts! We just swayed in concert with each other, and I said "Are you imagining any particular song?" She said "No, I'm listening to you." Incredibly romantic. We dance for about five minutes, then walk down, and go to a nearby place for one last drink and a little more talk. We were both really starting to falter by then, tired, and emotionally exhausted from the conversation. We left the place and made out in front of the car for a few minutes. I drove her back home, we made out for a few more minutes, she said "Thank you for tonight", and she went inside.
