The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Roller coaster heading down. Finished my week of vacation with the girls and it went wonderfully. We swam every day except for the one we were in Chicago. Sears/Willis Tower, Museum of Science and Industry.

Plus some little quiet moments. D11 and I played catch Saturday morning while D7 played on the playground. We also laid down in the grass and talked for a bit.

Last night the three of us took a late-night walk to the park next door to the apartments. D11 got a little freaked because it was dark -- it wasn't, it was well lit, but she's not a brave sort -- but still it was a nice moment for the three of us.

Anyway, back to work today and there's an email from my lawyer. They don't like our settlement offer so there's a pre-trial conference on July 20.

I don't have to go to it, but it means likely we are heading to trial.

I wanted nothing to do with a trial. My guess is her lawyer keeps telling her we are being unfair and it's in her best interest to go to court.

I don't want anything to do with court. I can't imagine getting dressed up in a shirt and tie and sitting in a court room across from the person I promised to love, honor and cherish to divvy everything up.

I also fear the unknown. We'd come up with a child support agreement and a visitation schedule. What happens to that? Do we start from scratch.

I'm such a mess emotionally. Part of me wants this over so I'm actually divorced and can start rebuilding my life as a single father. Another part of me wants this to drag out so that there remains some tiny chance that she'll change her mind.

But even that's crazy because what would we go back to? She has a number of things she would need to work on and we would need to work on together to have a happy life together.

Why can't I let go? She's going to some beer drinking, motorcycle retreat with her biker buddies in two weeks and to Sturgis in three.