The journey begins

[whatisis]

CTH, go all the way with this, I think you should date people you don't want to have a R with, pick someone you really hate and ask them out. Hey, I used to have a friend years ago who used to ask out women he knew would turn him down. His rationale was that one out of every ten women he asks would go out with him, so the more woman who turned him down brought him that much closer to the magic number ten who would say yes. And yes, I'm serious...he really did exist!

[ClingingToHope]

Long fun day in Chicago with the girls -- Museum of Science and Industry and a trip to the top of the Sears now Willis Tower.

The next three days will be just us. No fancy trips. Swimming. TV.

STBXW had the girls last night and dropped them off in the morning. D7 dragged her inside because she wanted STBXW to see how she "decorated" the house.

STBXW didn't look good. She looked tired and heavy. D11 told me on the train to Chicago that D7 had a rough morning -- didn't want to eat breakfast at the table and STBXW snapped a bit.

D7, with her ADHD issues, can push you to the edge several times a day. She requires INFINITE patience and I've never understood why STBXW wants to tackle this alone.

Really, it was such a long day that there wasn't much to think about.

[ClingingToHope]

Case of the blahs today. I think it's a combination of having kind of put a lot of fun into yesterday and today -- is kind of a let down.

I don't think the girls care. They'd just sit here all day watching TV. But the son is shining. It's in the mid-80s, so I'm making them eat lunch and then we're picking up two of their friends to go swimming.

I'm hoping having a couple of friends to interact with will help. When it's the three of us swimming they spend most of their time fighting over my attention.

There are a few things swirling through my head. An email from a friend asked me how the D is going. I really don't know. After this week I have one more with the girls and then ... I really won't see them much for a month. As usual, money issues. Having them is fun, but I'm going to spend much of August and September paying it off.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, that happens to me too. I plan for one day of the weekend and do way too many things like on a Sat then that Sun feels totally slow and I feel like I'm not entertaining DD enough. But as you said (and The Complete Single Father book) don't try to be a disney dad, just spend time with them doing arts/crafts/backyard fun etc. Which you're doing and I do too but it's good to remember we don't always have to be on our toes to keep them busy, occupied and happy.

Why won't you have them for almost a month? I forget...

Money issues are always a worry but you'll figure out a way to pay for the stuff...that's what we do.

[ClingingToHope]

SR, after the week of July 19-July 23 it goes back to the normal schedule of every other weekend and every Wednesday. In the summer I don't see them every day like I do in the school year. Plus, D11 has a week long camp and another week they'll spend with their grandmother down at STBXW's family campground.

That's the week STBXW is going to South Dakota with her friend and the possible OM and his motorcycle buddies.

I'm either going down that week to the campground to spend the night with the girls -- I haven't been there in two summers -- or I'm picking them up and bringing them back for the night. She can't take a night from me.

That may be a tough week emotionally.

Today is going well. We spent four hours swimming and playing with their friends. We're going to get some more in after stopping at home now for a snack.

Letter from my L. He is proposing STBXW pay me $11,000 in cash or $15,300 from a QDRO -- which equals $11,000 after taxes.

She'll still making out like a bandit, but I need to get this done before she's bankrupt.

[ClingingToHope]

Roller coaster heading down. Finished my week of vacation with the girls and it went wonderfully. We swam every day except for the one we were in Chicago. Sears/Willis Tower, Museum of Science and Industry.

Plus some little quiet moments. D11 and I played catch Saturday morning while D7 played on the playground. We also laid down in the grass and talked for a bit.

Last night the three of us took a late-night walk to the park next door to the apartments. D11 got a little freaked because it was dark -- it wasn't, it was well lit, but she's not a brave sort -- but still it was a nice moment for the three of us.

Anyway, back to work today and there's an email from my lawyer. They don't like our settlement offer so there's a pre-trial conference on July 20.

I don't have to go to it, but it means likely we are heading to trial.

I wanted nothing to do with a trial. My guess is her lawyer keeps telling her we are being unfair and it's in her best interest to go to court.

I don't want anything to do with court. I can't imagine getting dressed up in a shirt and tie and sitting in a court room across from the person I promised to love, honor and cherish to divvy everything up.

I also fear the unknown. We'd come up with a child support agreement and a visitation schedule. What happens to that? Do we start from scratch.

I'm such a mess emotionally. Part of me wants this over so I'm actually divorced and can start rebuilding my life as a single father. Another part of me wants this to drag out so that there remains some tiny chance that she'll change her mind.

But even that's crazy because what would we go back to? She has a number of things she would need to work on and we would need to work on together to have a happy life together.

Why can't I let go? She's going to some beer drinking, motorcycle retreat with her biker buddies in two weeks and to Sturgis in three.

[antlers]

It makes no sense to hang on to somebody who doesn't want you. That's a fact. That said, I know how you feel. The rejection hurts. Bad. But that's what it is...rejection. If someone else rejected you, you'd drop em' like a hot rock. You'd be done with it, and it wouldn't bother you. You wouldn't internalize it, and see it as being something wrong with you that caused them to reject you...you wouldn't care enough about it to think that way. But we think in unhealthy ways when our spouse leaves us, rejects us, and we do the very things I mention above. It still makes no sense, regardless of who it is. We have to get to the place where we love and respect ourselves enough to let go of people who don't value or respect us...especially when it's spouses who have left.

She's doing what she wants to do, and she doesn't care what effect it has on you, or the kids. If somebody else, anybody else, 'dissed' you like she is...what would be your response? You probably wouldn't think too much of em'! Sturgis...well, you know what kinda place that is during the motorcycle rally!

Just a thought.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the hurtful crap that you are.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, sorry about the latest sitch. Hopefully the situation will resolve in the pre-trial meeting...most do. However, in case, it does go to trial your attorney will prep you for it. Of course, you don't want to go in there with a suit and tie and fight for your rights when the violater is the one you loved dearly. No one wants to do that but it's just something you have to do because she's taking you to court...and the last thing you want to do is be a push over. You're going to stand up and fight for what's fair to you. Ultimately the decision is up to the judge not her or her attorney.

Yes, the divorce process is such that if you didn't despise your spouse you pretty much will when it's all over. Oh well if anything it'll help us move along...after it's over.

Don't wait for that tiny chance- it'll come but probably not yet. For now the best thing you can do for yourself is be strong and get through the D. Be a free person again.

[ClingingToHope]

I've spent most of my day on the phone trying to get through things. The more I talk about it the more I realize the game will play itself out. There's nothing for me to do now but wait to see what happens on July 20 ... and then go from there.

It's just so strange to have all of these financial issues and not be able to talk to STBXW about them. Now, I'm protecting my financial future and she's trying to protect hers and when it's all over ... then what?

So, so much good has happened to me in the past 12 months. I try to remind myself of that. It's so weird to be pinballing back and forth from despair to hope for the future.

I struggle with these twin images -- the look on D11's and D7's face when they find out we are no longer married. Then I think about the look on their faces when I tell them I have enough saved to buy a house and let's go looking.

[ClingingToHope]

Funny thing. I looked up mortgage rate calculators and figured out what my principal plus interest and taxes would be on a $100,000 house in my area. It would be only slightly more than the townhouse.

So that made me feel better. Now if I can just get out of this marriage without being bankrupt I'll definitely be able to look next summer.

Today has really been a waste though. I hate every step of this process. I emailed my L and asked if a trial means starting over on stuff we've already agreed on and he said he wouldn't know until July 20.

So that's a worry, except I'm trying not to worry.