And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

I have no idea what to write. Hmmmm. Go figure. I don’t know that I’ve found myself here before. It’s new for me, that’s for sure. So no plan ... just gonna do it ...

I feel like it’s a good time to remind everyone that what you read on my thread, on anyone’s thread, is but a piece of my life, a glimpse of who I am, who I was, who I am becoming. A piece of my life, the piece I choose to share - and not because I’m purposely holding back, but because I journal and post as a reaction to thoughts and feelings that are relevant at the time.

We feel like we *know* each other, we make assumptions and jump to conclusions. We read into posts and comments and form ideas and opinions on the stuff we see. Be careful with that. Just sayin’...

As I read back through my thread I realize that there appears to be something missing. I can now see what maybe driving some of the questions, some of the conern about “where I really am” ... I know that most of you don’t think I’m where I think I am ... (confused yet? lol!). And honestly, I do not feel the need to rationalize or justify my position, my feelings, my decisions, my choices ... BUT (I know, I know!) because I am here to learn, and hopefully with any luck, maybe even help, I do not mind sharing and explaining. It helps me grow.

So, what’s missing you ask? You guys have not seen my anger. You guys have not seen my absolute anguish and devastating, heart wrenching, physical pain.

Let’s start with the anger.

Wow. It was all consuming for a while ... and it still rears it’s ugly head from time to time. My temper was legendary, it’s the Irish in me I always justified, and although I was never a ‘mean’ fighter, I had a very short fuse. I’ve screamed in the woods, beaten my steering wheel in the car until my hands were bruised, I’ve kicked stuff, lost my temper at my friends and family, even at my kids. Then I stopped. I took a good hard look in the mirror, and knew I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t do it anymore. I turned it into my most important 180. I started to learn about controlling my behaviour, not letting my emotions drive what I did and said. I CHOSE to do differently. Was it hard? YES! Is it still? Sometimes, but it gets easier everyday. I am now taking responsibility for how I chose to respond to a situation, instead of playing victim to my emotions and being reactive. Will I always be an emotional person? Absolutely, this journey has been about making constructive changes for me, not giving up who I am.

The pain.

Ah the pain. I remember it like it was yesterday. The night the bomb dropped I literally collapsed into a pile on the kitchen floor. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t see straight. Couldn’t stand, couldn’t walk. I called him a ba$tard, a prick. I couldn’t breath. I remember thinking I was having a heart attack because my chest felt so heavy, so constricted ... like someone was sitting on me. I felt dead. I wanted to be dead. I felt like my life was over. I wanted it to stop hurting. I wanted someone to wake me from the nightmare and tell me it was just a bad dream and everything was going to be ok. I still couldn’t breath. I was sick again. I felt like our whole life had been a lie. Eventually I slept a little and I remember feeling angry because I actually woke up ...

I had no control over any of the pain ... it washed over me at various times and without warning. I felt blind sided all over again when it came like that. I found DB and started to read and started to learn. I started to pay lip service to the work I was ‘doing’ (and by the way for any of the newbies reading along, that’s how it starts, it’s a process, you’ll see it eventually too, if you want to). Slowly the acute pain came less often, although there was a constant presence in my chest and in my head. I still had episodes, even had panic attacks. Some days were worse than others. Way worse. I was on my home from work one day when I was daydreaming. I wondered if something happened to me, something bad ... would he rush to my hospital bedside? Would he realize just how much he loved me and vow to never leave me again? Would a close call for me bring him around? Then I wondered how bad it would have to be? What would it take? I would need to hurt ... a car accident might do it ....

I pulled over and faced my thoughts. I turned my rearview mirror downwards and I looked at my tearstreaked face in the mirror and saw the faces of my children staring back at me. Especially my daughter. What was I teaching them? What was I teaching her? I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and drove home ... straight to the DB boards. I read and I read and I read. And when my eyes got tired, I read some more. I printed whole threads and carried them around with me. I absolutely devoured everything I could.

I made a choice that day, I chose strength, even though I felt extremely weak. I chose life and my family and children ... ultimately, I chose MYSELF. When Eric posted a link to Jennifer Hudson’s song “You Pulled Me Through” all I could think was YES! I cry every time I hear it because it brings back to me the feeling of community I found here. The support and love of complete strangers that gave me strength. For that, I thank each and every one of you.

My journey, my story, is far from over ... in fact I now know it’ll never end. And I look forward to each and every chapter ... even the sad and hard ones. Those are the chapters that force us outside ourselves. Force us to grow. Help us appreciate the happy, fun chapters. Teach us to not take anything, anyone, for granted.

There has been a rash of “I STAND for ME” on the boards lately ... my own thread included, and I want to clarify my interpretation. Standing for yourself and standing for your marriage, your spouse, are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Standing is like love ... if you don’t love yourself first then you don’t have any to go around either. You can’t really and truly love outside yourself unless you love within first.

I do STAND for ME. I am walking down the hallway and I’ve left the door closed over behind me because as I’ve said before, it’s not my door to close. Grit is right ... you must start this process at the beginning and WORK your way through. There is no other way. The revelations about yourself that you uncover as you find your strength to stand for your marriage are enlightening. You will discover your strength, you ability to love, your compassion ... only then will you finally be in a position to truly turn it inwards and start the mirror work. Then the fun begins. I’ve taken it on a like a project ... and really it is ... Project ME.

For those of you still wondering why I chose this path, seemingly so soon, I’ll elaborate a bit. I did not choose to “stop standing” for my marriage because I’m hurt, or because I’m resentful or because I’m angry. I chose to stop because I love him, and for the first time, truly unconditionally.

I love him enough to recognize that kinds of changes he would have to make - or that I would have to make - or both - would be changes in the fundamental core of who we are. It's not just about communication or how we relate ... it's who we are. I love him enough, respect him enough, to let him be who he is. He is who he is, and that's ok, perfectly ok. He's a great dad, and he'll make someone a great husband ... someone other than me.

Am I sad? Of course, we had 15 years and we have 3 kids. Do I think it could have worked? Probably, if we both had been willing to compromise to that level, and if we'd recognized a long time ago what separate paths we were on.

I'm finally looking at our entire relationship with objective, wide open eyes ... we've had good times, but mostly because we were able to be good friends in good times. We have never really been a good match on a deeper level. H is a good guy though and tried to "do the right thing", gave up a lot of himself to "do the right thing" ... and I think I really knew it all along ... I just never thought he'd have the strength to actually leave, especially if I was managing and controlling the situation. And, if he had before now, I probably would not have been ready to do the work. So really ... I'm grateful to him, I really am.

Eric, Jack, Puppy, missher, Grit, Cat, Mach, Shelbel/breal, Greek, Brooklyn, and so many more of you that I can’t list here because it would take all day ... thank you, you have made me think, challenged my viewpoints and thoughts, pushed me to do better, be better, want more of myself.