I just don't know if I can handle that. Man, life is short. And then to imagine that it might not even work out after going thru all this..I just don't know if i want to do it.
You will be surprised what YOU are capable of when you find YOU.
You are trying to figure the odds here and then what winning looks like.
What is the upside to doing what we tell you and focusing on you?
I get it.
I did it.
Look at the beginning of my thread.
You will not undertsand what I am about to tell you
BUT
I have to tell you.
The prize is not getting your H to come back
The prize is not saving your M.
As long as you focus on something outside yourself (H or OW or M) you are missing it.
The upside is YOU.
Finding YOU.
When this happens you will see that everything you thought you wanted, all the questions, all the doubt is
...is gone.
Life IS short.
What is Taylor going to do?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It is okay to cry. Let the tears flow, let'em and when you r done. Stand up and scream....today is not the day that I will give up. Today is the day that I live for me!
Then...you give YOURSELF a fighting chance to have the life you want.
Sending you hugs (((())))) tay.
God bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
taylor, I know its rough, but these guys are right on. I am a newbie with all of this and see alot of simularities with my/your sitch. I have been waking up everyday with this on my head since October. What you are experiencing is someone who is not rational. This is the alien everyone mentions. I am looking at two weeks from now a divorce day that I would have bet everything I have would never happen 3+ years ago. But looking back I can see the stuff starting about 2 years ago. Please let him do all the work of the divorce because if you help it in anyway, they feel even more justified that they are doing the right thing. Let them file and let them spin and let them rant. Trick is, to be the best you can be for yourself. I did not see any of that at first, but it takes time for us LBS'rs to comprehend what is really going on. My wife is in a constant panic that she is growing older and I know she is not the woman I fell in love with right now. At this point though, I am seeing parts of her return. The Doc says this will happen but they pull back too. That gets tough too. I wonder like you, how long is this going to take? The Doc says God and my wife are the only ones who know. I could tell you things that would make your head spin from what I have seen so far. I read once on one of these boards that it is way, way, better to be the LBS. You will see that in time too. I want my (real) wife back too. She has to go through this journey that makes no sense to me. As painful as it has been for me, I can see the pain she is going through now and it will get worse for her in the near future. IF, she bottoms out, then I will have been the night in shining armor all along. At that point it will be up to me if I want to take her back or not. If I do, it won't be instantaneous. I will need to build some trust again and want to be with her as well. I don't know if this helps but I sure feel your pain when I read your posts.
warrior, Thanks for your post and kind thoughts. You are 2 weeks from having your divorce final? That sucks. But you sound hopeful. Do you think she will stop it before then?
There are so many of us who sitch is so very similar. Do you think your wife is in MCL?
Are you going to wait for her to come to your senses?
How did you GAL and learn how to be ok with all that is happening..even if you are kind of faking it sometimes.
ahhh eric and Grit; I just made an appt with my C. I need to talk to him about the dating service stuff. That just took all the wind out of my sails. The vision, the thought of my H kissing or having intimate relations with some stranger who he hopes to connect with and have the children he thinks he wants..it just makes me want to run away and never come back.
If he keeps going like he is, there will be no way to reconcile. He will end up getting someone pg, or find one who is a "fatal attraction" or who knows. This is just a bad bad thing.
I found a program on our computer he had downloaded. It is a picture software thing. I'm sure he's using it to upload pics of himself for these online dating things. He just did it last Saturday.
So you all suggest letting him file for the D huh? Uggh..just the thought of living with him under the same roof knowing he is deceiving me and then pretending to be this nice guy..he can't even look me in the eyes anymore. Yesterday I could tell he was feeling guilty about something. It's because he's going to meet someone this week, under the pretense of traveling for work. My C is not pro-cheater..so he will advise me to file today, I'm sure.
Honestly, I don't know HOW to GAL..I have done most of the stuff you all suggest and I'm still thinking about him and what he's doing to me.
eric..he dropped the bomb first part of Nov 2009. He asked me not to tell anyone so that when we figured it all out it would stay between us. I let that go until mid Jan 2010 when I found the credit card statement and saw that he had been seeing her every weekend and that he really wasn't trying to be alone to figure things out..he had moved out so that he could see her w/o having to deal with me about it. I was so mad that I told my son that day when we went to the movie. He then asked me to tell his sisters so he could have someone to talk to about it. He was in shock..(like me) that his step-dad could do something like this. So I told my daughters and they all texted/emailed my H to offer their support. They told him they still loved him and wanted it to work between us. Pretty classy if you ask me. My H then told his Daughter cuz he didn't want anyone else to tell her. I don't know what his family is thinking with all of this bcuz they have totally removed me from their lives. None of them have contacted me. I don't know what he has told them, other than the fact that he showed his mom the ONE letter where I said some harsh things. I'm sure she told the rest of his family and they all hate me now.
I'm just dejected today. Honestly, I know you all tell me he is sick, but it's hard to believe that when he is doing these things that hurt so much.
How would all of you suggest I "act" now? Because it will be an act at first. It will become real after doing it for awhile, but in the beginning it will be an act. So.. pleasant, distant, never home when he is, chatty, quiet, complimentary, do things together or find other stuff to do by myself or with someone else, do his laundry or just let his stuff sit in the hamper with no explanation, make food for both of us in the evening when he's here or just for myself, watch TV with him at night or go to my room, no texting, talking about R?? please guide me in this. I'm not sure what to do.
While my H was still at home (15 months post bomb). I still cooked "family" meals and we took D's out together etc. You're right that at first it is an act. It's the "fake it till you make it" thing.
I tended to make myself more scarce (this was for me) and went out to do different things (even if it was alone). It gave me space and helped me keep my mouth closed around him.
I would avoid R talks (like the plague). There were times I broke that rule (very few btw) and the reason it, I didn't hear what I liked/wanted.
If you need space take it. Do not punish him though. That won't help. If at some point you can be friendly perhaps you will become friends at some point. perhaps not. You have alot more control than you know, it is however only control over yourself.
What do you imagine would make you feel better? A long walk? Bike ride? What can you think of that might allow you to clear your head, even if it's only for a moment?
RIGHT NOW you are spinning. RIGHT NOW you are really pissed off. RIGHT NOW you are hurt. Yes this stuff hurts. RIGHT NOW it hurts like hell.
All of your emotions are...well...RIGHT NOW.
Listen for one second...How are you going to feel 6 months from now? How are you going to feel tomorrow? What is going to happen in 2 weeks. Do you know? Do you have a crystal ball?
RIGHT NOW YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOU. YOU need to keep your emotions under check. Your H is sick. You know this. You feel it and can see it. What you are not seeing is YOUR role in this. Know why? Because your every action, your every thought, your every response is based on FEAR. It is based on what your H is doing as opposed to what YOU want to do and what YOU can control. Now do you remember what I said about what you can control? You can control YOU. You can control YOUR emotions. I know....I know...how do you do this when you feel like crap. You do this by detaching. You do this by looking at yourself. You do this by letting go.
As Grace asked you...what will make you feel better. What is it? Post the list. Oh...btw...it is so easy to keep looking at your H instead of looking at YOU. It is so easy. So sorry about what I am about to say here. Really sorry but I think you need to hear it.
Stand up...put on the big girl panties. Realize that you are special. Realize that what you feel matters. Realize that YOU ITay...and ONLY YOU can determine what happens. Don't be afraid. Face it. I mean really face it. By turning towards the fear you will find the TRUE strength that is in you. I can see it in you. I can see it. I believe in you. Now get the F up and find something to do that take your mind off of this for just a few hours.
ITay - I've been through hell and back girl. Search my name and read some of my old threads. You can do this. You can. Just please (okay make that pretty please) stop focusing on your H.
BTW - can you tell us a little about yourself.
Here are a few questions...
What is your favorite color What is your favorite flower What type of music do you like Best vacation you ever had Where would you love to go What kind of car do you drive What kind of car would you love to have Do you have a dog or cat
Tell us about who YOU are OUTSIDE of your M. Who are you Tay..Who are you?
Look inside...you'll find the answer.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
E - love the questions / I need to answer them myself (of course you probably knew that already - I am a slow learner)
Tay - if you read my thread you will see that I've had my share of the dating services and phone chat lines. There are some sickos out there (and yes, my H is one of them right now) - but you have to stay true to yourself. YOU are NOT one of them - YOU have taken the hardest road around - to stay committed to your vows. BE PROUD - do not let the sickness that surrounds you encompass you! Find your outlets that put you in a healthier environment. Keep repeating to yourself - I DID NOT DO THIS! My new favorite saying is "Imperfect is not Failure" - we are ALL imperfect - but acknowledging your imperfections and taking responsibility for changing what you can change - THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU DIFFERENT! Stay strong!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
