Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

DLS,

You are so right that there is no "us" right now. She is not doing it for us. It is funny how she uses "we" when she wants something, and she says my name real sweet when she wants something. It is so funny to me. Actually, it is very distrubing to me the way she tries to manipulate me. I will not change anything. She would not be happy with the password that I used for the car insurance. It is easy to remember, and it is rather funny.

She is unbelieveable to me.

It is all about her.

[DaddyLongShanks]

LSG,

Its incredidible isn't it. "We" when they need something or need something to be in their advantage. "All them", most of the other times, and it does cost is time, energy and money.

She's fully focused on herself, with herself as the center. Like a narcissist. Actually affairs are a classic narcissist behavior.

You kill alot of her gas she gets out of it if you had a beautiful feline on your own arm. I'm not saying its good advice, but look at it problems vs solutions:

1. You don't get attention from her....
Solution is to get it from somewhere else, another female friend draws closer.

2. She has you shut out on sex....
Sex is coming from somewhere else, you actually don't care what she's doing and it looks childish to you.

3. She's only thinking about herself, and its costing you time, energy and money....
Solution is to think about yourself, put her at the same distance you would a male friend who's doing the same thing to you. Many of them would not be our friends anymore.

4. She comes to you when she wants something and acts like a "friend" ( we ), while most other times she is totally about self....
Solution is she is not your friend, she doesn't even want to be your wife.

5. We complained about attention in line #1. Actually you do get attention from your wife, but it is over critical, she looks at you like someone who has no masculine power, she's directing anger and blame into you. SHE FILLS YOUR CUP WITH INSECURITY AND WEAKNESS....
Solution is to fill your cup from somewhere else. The cup is filled to the brim full of security and sensual masculine energy.

Again these answers are not good, they are also for me and some of us on the recieving end of things.

What would we do if the wife or husband was a same-sex freind? Would we keep said friend and keep complaining? I don't think most of us would because it would make us look like a doormat and weak.

[idontunderstand]

Ditto, LSG.

They all have the same play book.

I guess that means we have all made the same mistakes.

Which leads us all to basically the same solutions.

Sad, isn't it? It took something like this to make us remember the person we used to be. The person that our W fell in love with. Yes, things change and children change the relationship but we have to remember who we are. People can talk about being equal and M is a partnership. It is, but someone has to be the leader. That's not to say that we are to be abusive or overbearing or anything like that. There has to be a head of the house hold and men have traditionally held that role. We are forgetting that role more and more so we don't make our wives mad, to put her on more of an equal footing. And our wives are equal, don't get me wrong. We all have different roles in the family. When we lose those well defined roles in the name of what, political correctness, fear or whatever, things get screwed up. It is working out well, wouldn't you say?

I guess what I'm trying to say is yes, M is an equal partnership with well defined, even old fashioned roles of each spouse within the M. I know I am guilty of not leading and staying on top of finances, etc. Trying to please my W and "letting" her do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted to got me into this mess. If I would have had boundaries in place, it would have never happened. And if it did, she would know the consequences and what to expect, which maybe would have stopped her to begin with. At least make her stop and think. As it is, she had no reason to stop and think.

Sorry for getting so long winded. You are on the right track. She is thinking of only herself. You stand up for yourself and you family. Continue doing what is right. It may be too late for her to turn herself around. It's not for you. You have learned from the past and you are becoming a better person and a better man each and every day. That is a good thing.

[Coach]

They all have the same play book.

How can you use that knowledge to your advantage? It's priceless to understand what the other team is going to do, when, where, how and why.

"Confidence comes from being prepared."

[LSG]

Last night I let my emotions get the better of me. I wish I hadn't. It was a waste of time.

She asked again about the insurance, and it started an argument. I let myself get pulled down that path.

I argued about other things I knew I should not about the affair and our marriage.

She said it is my fault because I don't have a job and other things. She would not tell me what I did. She said I am the reason she cheated. I need to take responsiblity for what I did. I told her to tell me what I did, and I would take responsibility for it. I told her I would not take responsibility for the A.

I told her she needs to think about the kids and what D will do to theme. I also told her that there is nothing I did to justify her having an affair. I told her that an A is selfish, and it is just running away from her problems.

I said that I will not change anything right now because she has lied about so many things that I do not trust her.

I did not handle things very well last night.

DLS, IDU, and Coach I appreciate the comments and the support. I have been busy, so I have not replied. I have an interview today I needed to prepare for. I am so excited. I am going to produce results this time.

Wish me luck.

[DanF]

Good luck LSG!!! Be confident. I'm pulling for you too.

[idontunderstand]

Ditto, LSG.

Like you have told me before, don't be so hard on yourself. You got sucked into a R argument. She says it's your fault. She hasn't changed her tune at all. What is it we keep hearing? Let her go. She doesn't care what you think, you can't care what she says about you. You have been there for the kids and taken care of other things while out of work. I'm sure you haven't just been sitting on the couch eating bon-bons and watching the afternoon soaps. She's trying to bring you down. Don't let her.

Stay focused on the job interview. It's tough out there. I can't imagine living in L.A. and looking for a job. Things are a mess all over. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Take some, all of that new found self-confidence and get this job!(I just said a little prayer for you. It can't hurt. )

You will find something, I know it.

[LSG]

IDU,

Recruiter said, "you are so relaxed today." I was very relaxed and prepared for the interview. I was interviewed by four people, and it was so fun for me today. I had no nerves. I went to be hired, and I am sure I will. I was the first interviewee they had, so I think there will be 3 or 4 more. I am not worried about them. I am the person that they will hire. Confidence!!!

W seemed to be wondering why I was dressed up and looking so sharp today. I felt so good and ready for anything. I guess I can be relaxed around other people because I put up with so much crap at home. Nothing will ever bother me again. It was like a holiday. I was without W and the kids. I love the kids, but it was nice to be by myself today.

It was a good day.


IDU-Thanks for the prayer. You and your family are in mine too.

[Coach]

Nice, we were rooting for ya!

[idontunderstand]

It was a good day.

Good for you.