What if you made your decision out of strength, rather than fear?
i don't believe i can do it out of strength. it has shown in the past. even during a mentality stable state, i can get thrown off very easily.
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What if you KNEW that even though it might hurt, you could handle him filing?
i don't have faith in myself right now. if i go on one more crazy tirade here, i may lose coach and forrest. cuz at some point, they will have had enough of this jekyll and hyde split personality thing that even they will walk away. (sigh .. you see that? mind reading.)
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I don't know exactly where that might mean you should go with it, but the thing I see, is that you are just now, gaining perspective on your own behavior and its contribution to the problems in your marriage.
i always knew that stuff about my mil. i let a lot of things slide during our m. i would make mild complaints but never anything serious that would result in a fight. but at the same time, i also did a lot for my ILs. i put a lot of thought, time, and consideration towards them as well because i cared about them too. i would make elaborate mother's day gifts for my mil to make her mother's day special. i didn't do it because i had to. i used my creativity and mind-reading skills to come up with something i thought she would like. and i think she liked it. she would tell my h that she loved the ideas i came up with and it was like surprise after another. i put thought into things when i knew they were visiting. whatever they needed, i would make sure we had in the house. i have a pretty good memory so i'll take notice of what jams they liked on their toast, or what their daily routines were like. i felt i made a serious effort and it went unnoticed. i never got an 'i appreciate what you did to prepare the house for my parents' visit.' i got neglected and was invisible when they were here at christmas. oh but when my h was tired of his mom's nagging, then he'd tell me to go keep her company so she wouldn't bother him.
our focus would be put on my ILs and we neglected our m. problems were put off or held inside. we started to live like roommates during the last year. i don't remember feeling like a loved/appreciated wife.
i can't make my h love me. i can be the best me i can be and things won't change. i promised forrest that i would do what he told me to do. focus on me.
i am doing that and moving on as if he will not be part of my life.
i just don't want any more disruptions or surprises. if he's seeing someone or is in love with someone else, then just say so. at this point, if our relationship isn't salvageable then just say it. he's afraid i'll get vindictive and greedy if i found out. whatever.
filing will ensure i don't get surprised. sometimes i think db-ing is to prevent me from going 'jekyll and hyde' when the papers are filed. call it resisting if you want but i know i'll go crazy when i get served anyway.
