I read CHL's post while I was drying my hair this morning, I wasn't going to call H and resay the words differently, but after CHL's post and Shiny's thought okay I will. If for any reason to let H know I didn't mean it in a bad way. When I said the words to H yesterday, they were said light heartedly with a half smile and in my gut I think I knew that H understood.
I took Algal's words and practice saying them for a bit this morning. Dropped S off at daycare, had notes in car read them a few more times and then called H.
H answered phone "this is H" which means H didn't look at his called ID when he answered. I said "good morning" H said good morning back with a little chuckle in his voice, like he was happy to hear from me..on Monday morning of all mornings, too!!
I said I wanted to resay what I said yesterday as I didn't think the words came out right. I said "the moving back and forth is hard on me, too, it really hurt me to have to watch this again. I hope that when you came back again, it would be because you wanted to be here. I really want you to come back home, I love you."
H then said "I figured that out"..meaning he hadn't taken it the wrong way--my view anyway. I said I didn't mean for it sound harsh. H then said don't you think I know that, I move back and then six days later I move back out. H said he was sick of it all and that he still hasn't figured anything out yet. I said well you need to take some time and figure it out, I'm not going to pressure you to do anything. I just want you to know you're always welcome here, you know that right? H said "yeah I'm welcomed at a lot of places lately" sarcastically. H then asked about son, I said S was mad you left without him (I told Son that H had to go somewhere). A little later S said to me "mom I'm not sad anymore" I said you're not, that's good" S said I'm not sad anymore, because you're here!"
So calling H was a 180 and a good idea. I made sure what I said was clear and that H interpretted it right and it turned out great! I don't have to dread the call from H, not that H still won't call, but I called H!
Today, for the first time, I truly feel like I am my H's friend, that I'm someone H can trust and can be honest with-a real friend...I've never felt that way before, in all the years we've been together...what a great feeling, I'm even getting emotional about it...
