After three months shouldn't he already be missing me and our family if he is going to at all? Does the affair "fog" keep that from happening?
You're right, Snodderly, I should focus on my kids and me and I do. The kids are in counseling. I am in counseling and I also participate in a support group that meets once a week. The boys and I were working out at the gym regularly until I had to pick up a bunch of OT at work just to make the bills. (We plan to get back on track starting tomorrow- Monday.) I talk with my mom and sister daily. I do try to hang out with friends at least once a week for some fun. Today, the boys and I spent the day at a friend's house with loads of other friends cooking out and shooting off fireworks:-)
I still have my moments of breaking down and crying and wondering "WHY?", but then I quickly give it to God.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
Three months is a very short period of time in the life of a MLCer. Until he completes the "replay" portion of his crisis, he may very well not miss family togetherness. The fog of depression keeps them focused only on themselves and what they need to make themselves feel better.
Sounds like you are staying busy and yes, the focus needs to be placed back on you and your children. There's nothing you can do for your h except to pray for him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been away for a while and am just catching up. I read your last few post and first I want to say I am soooo sorry about your sitch. I really am.
I think you may be focusing too much on your H right now, which is normal at the 3 month mark. What you need to do is begin to really look inside of you. You need to realize what you did wrong in the M to get things to the point that they are at. Are you to blame for all of this? No not at all. The reason that you are looking internally is cause you do not want to repeat the mistake you made in your M in your next R, which just may be with your H.
So my advice...take some time to heal.. then go and live your life to the fullest.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
H IS still infatuated with the 19 yo and sleeping with her, but now he is also talking more frequently with the 40 yo ex, even going to visit with her at her home a couple of times.
Two evenings ago, H "accidentally" sent a text to me that was worded like it was for his nephew (brother of nephew whose fiance H is cheating with). It was instructing nephew where to find the key to his house if his other nephew and [the 19 yo girl he's having A w/] want to go swimming in his pool..."going on a date be back later..." I didn't respond, of course, but even though it looked like it was worded for someone else, I believe he meant to send the text to me. I am assuming he wouldn't really want to reveal he is going on a date with someone else and risk that info getting back to his OW, but what would be his motivation for suddenly rubbing it in my face he is going on a date?
After he got back from visiting with the 40 yo ex, he posted on his secret MySpace page to the 19 yo that he "really really missed holding [her] in his arms..." and that he loves her so much. How can he go on dates and act interested in one woman, while he is "in love" and sleeping with another? He always said (and still tells me when I mention her) that she (the 40 yo) is not what he wants anyway. So...I don't get it.
On a more positive note, H has been NICE to me in the last few interactions I have had with him. After dropping the boys off a couple of weeks ago, H looked VERY sad and lost. I just kept worrying about him after he left and ended up texting him asking him if he was okay. He responded, "I'm doing fine just stressed a little over being so broke but i'll get back to working soon." I replied that I understood and that I believed he would do fine. His response was, "Thnk u. You will do fine 2 u r very smart and a stronge woman. I will help u all i can when i get on my feet." I didn't respond, and then he texted wishing me a good night.
Yesterday, I emailed him because I thought my cell phone services had been interrupted (I am late on the bill). He emailed me: "...I'm sorry they cut it off...I paid the ins so they wouldn't cancel it...I'm trying to find a job now so when i do i'll help you." I have been so upset and stressed about having to work 12 hrs/day 6 days/wk and am still not able to make the bills, and emailed him back: "I am trying and fighting so hard. I am exhaausted. We are both strong and resourceful, though- we WILL get through this." H followed with, "i knw it's hard i wll help u all i can as soon as i get 2 working it will make it easier on u." ...and I didn't respond anymore.
When H showed up to get the boys yesterday evening, he actually looked me in the eyes when we talked to each other. He had a smile on his face the entire time we were interacting, and I caught him just watching me as I quietly gave my boys a kiss, hug, and told them I loved them. About 30 minutes after he left with them, he texted me telling me I should check out this website he had found that he thought I would be intersted in. I didn't respond.
The interactions are nice, but I realize that doesn't mean much. He IS still having an A and pursuing multiple women on top of that. But it was so nice to see him talk with me as a person of quality instead of as his enemy.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
The message was sent to "mom" so that you would know what he was doing and also to get a reaction out of you. He wanted you to know that he was out and about and w/whom. He planted the seeds so that you would have to worry about what he was doing. He may not have gone out w/the 40 yr old ow at all, but wanted you to think he did. Again, for a reaction. To the MLCer it is all about perception and how we see them. They want to be Mr. Macho and still have the capability of chasing women and keeping up the good life just as they did as young adults. They are trying to prove to themselves and you that they are Mr. Popular and can do whatever they want just as they many years ago.
Life does have a way of catching up w/them. It's any wonder he's stressed. However, he brought all of this on himself and he will have to figure re it all out. While he's figuring himself out, keep the focus on you and your children. Your children need you more than ever during this time.
Try not to analyze everything he says or does...it will drive you crazy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, you're right. I DO analize too much. I am still obsessing about him and his behaviors. I don't know why I can't just let that go.
I am GAL, though, for my kids and me. We go to the gym, we hang out with friends of mine (who also have kids), we laugh and dance around the house when the mood hits (lol!). We have a lot more fun than we ever had living "the old life". I would like to get us all involved in some new hobbies, but money is tight and I'm having a hard time coming up with something that costs little to nothing...
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
You aer still very new to the MLC life and it will take time to detach more.
There are many times that the MLCer will toss out comments/emails, etc., such as you received and note give one thought to why they did it. On some level, I do think they want a reaction for "mom". It's like keeping a thumb on the pulse to see if you are still there for them. Because in their minds, they just know that you are right where he left you pre mlc. They don't realize that time doesn't stand still for us and life goes on and yes, in many instances, we detach enough to not react to their acting out.
I'm glad to see that you and your children are doing okay, even though funds are tight. Good friends can go a long way in helping you keep your mind off of him and his antics.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today has been a bad day. I went to the house my H and I and our kids shared for 10 years to finish moving out all my and the kids' stuff. Most everything is gone from the house now since my H moved out three weeks ago (he hasn't made a payment on the place since we separated in April). There are so many memories in that place (good AND bad)...it is heartbreaking to see "we" are gone from it. This evening H came to drop the boys off and actually stayed and talked with me for almost an hour. I did cave at one point and asked him if he was planning on filing for divorce. He didn't seem bothered by the question, and answered that he didn't know. We just stood silently looking at each other. He then admitted how confused and lost he was and that he didn't "know what [he] was doing from one moment to the next." "I understand" I said. I pushed it further (I know...I know...) and asked, "If you had the money to file for divorce right now, would you?" H gently replied, "I don't know." "Okay" I resigned. I tried to change the subject at that point, but H brought us back to it asking me, "Why? Are you in some kind of rush? You remarrying already or something?" I laughed and he went on, "I mean...it doesn't bother me if you have someone else..." I assured him there was no one else, and he rolled his eyes and let me know he didn't believe me. (::sigh::) Luckily, I was able to change the subject quickly and we had a friendly chat. He did a quick check-up on my car for me since I mentioned it had been running poorly, and he even worked on my sister's vehicle while she was there:-)
The boys said that they had a good weekend visit with their dad. Our ten-yr.-old said he asked him the SAME question he "ALWAYS" asks them when he first picks them up from me- "So does mommy have a boyfriend yet? Have you met him? Come on, I KNOW she has a boyfriend...?" Friday night, H actually cuddled up with the boys and they watched a movie together. Our ten-yr.-old said that as they were falling asleep, his dad asked about my boyfriend. Who was he?
I don't understand why he is so concerned about if I have a boyfriend or not. He says he doesn't care, but then he questions us all and doesn't believe us when we tell him I don't.
I should be happy that we had a good visit this evening, but I'M not. ::sigh::
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
No...you don't. You think you do but until you get burned or get your hand slapped for being in the cookie jar...
I know..I know is all you are going to do. : )
Right now you are getting away with R talks and crap, you are asking questions and hoping he will answer your questions one way...so far... you have been lucky.
Why is he concerned about a boyfriend? Strange huh? Its almost like if you had one it would justify some of his poor choices. Look...trying to figure out WHY an MLCer does what they do is pointless and at best it is just statisical probability data.
Your time is better spent doing things with it, not wasting it pondering the illogical.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 07/12/1003:34 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
