Running out of time.

[Cie la vie]

DW & MHL,

It's been a bit since I last posted. Time is flying.

My vacation with the kids at my mothers was excellent and a lot of work. The trip was jammed packed with adventures for the kids and me as well. Steam engine train ride, beach boardwalk amusement park, MB aquarium, hike in the redwood state park and a day at another amusement park followed by dinner with good friends and their children.

This was an important step forward in setting the ground work for future trips solo with the kids. It's not easy solo but I know I can handle it. The weather couldn't have been better as well.

I chose to take the coast home rather than the valley and I won't do it again. It added and extra 1.5 hours to the drive (crazy traffic in SB) which I didn't enjoy. The kids were great though.

My STBX showed her game plan by calling my mother shortly after I left up north as well as on my return south. She has figured out that I am not going to be a source of information about my time with the kids and used my mother to get updated. I would prefer that my mother not provide her with a blow by blow of my vacation but I'm not dragging my mom into this mess.

Anyway, the main downside to the trip was the fact that I had to hand the kids off to my STBX upon arrival to the home we use to share. She was waiting outside when we pulled up. She said hi and I replied and began to unpack the van. I made no effort to engage her and maybe I should have been a little more open but I really don't like being in her presence anymore brings me down.

She loaded the kids up in her car I said my good byes to the kids and she departed.

She appears to have gotten the message that I'm not open to some phony friendship and the friendly email barrage sessions have ceased thankfully. The only email I have seen from her since I returned was strictly business. The way I like it.

I think my whole MO is pretty non-DBing but I'm doing what is best now for my psyche.

Last week I accidently called my SIL and we chatted briefly. Her tone was quite different from the the two or three other times we spoke. Back than she was of the mind that her sister was "sick" and in a MLC. This time she seemed distant and ended the conversation with a "I'm going to go now take care CLV". Not sure what to make of it but I would be very surprised if I ever receive a call from her or any other member of my STBX family again.

I did get a Father's day card from her mom but there was no personal message written in it just her name signed off on it.

Other than that there are only a couple of outstanding issues in the way of being completely (save for the kids) dissolved of each other. One the house and two finalizing the divorce. The later will in all likelihood occur well before the former.

MHL,

I have poked into your thread a few times and see that you still have some positives working for you in your sitch. Enjoy your coronas and Marley this evening.

DW,

I trust you are hanging tough and soldiering on. Keep me posted on any developments.

Thanks for checking in.

[dwinter82]

Hey CLV,

Your current R with your STBX is very similar to mine and the ex...do not talk much and really do not want to much to do with one another. I think this is normal, especially when one person has been hurt. I am trying like hell to keep things civil but that is proving to be more difficult than I thought. If I do not talk to my ex or look her in the eyes, she views that as being evil or something. It is a tough situation.

Have a good week!

[ClingingToHope]

A

nyway, the main downside to the trip was the fact that I had to hand the kids off to my STBX upon arrival to the home we use to share. She was waiting outside when we pulled up. She said hi and I replied and began to unpack the van. I made no effort to engage her and maybe I should have been a little more open but I really don't like being in her presence anymore brings me down.

I'm going through that exactly. During the school year the exchange never takes place. I get the kids from school and take them to school. There's little reason for STBXW and I to interact at all. In the summer, well there has to be some handoffs. So I know where you are coming from. Do you have anymore vacation or was that it for the summer?

[Cie la vie]

DW,

Yes, they are quite similiar. I think you have more contact than I do with your X because of the kid handoffs. The nanny handles almost all of ours. I have had the pleasure of no contact with the STBX since the 5th. That is a pretty good stretch of time and it helps.

She figured out that I'm not interested in idle chit chat with her. I simply do not respond to non-critical child rearing communication. Pure business. I know what you mean about trying to stay civil and it is easier said than done. A friend of mine tells me to killer her with kindness. I try not to come across as bitter (which I am to a degree) and try to appear happy and content. I don't think I pull the later part off very well. Also, I'm not sure how she views my business only stance and really I don't care.

The house is now on the market and as bummed as I am about selling, I'm eager to close that chapter of this nightmare quickly.

I'm looking forward to this weekend as I have my twins. Taking them to the beach and any other venue that provides for heat relief.

Thanks for checking in and have a great weekend.

[Cie la vie]

Hey CTH,

Thanks for popping in.

Sadly contact with the STBX is a downer and I intend to do ever thing in my power to minimize being down which translates to minimizing contact with the person I had planned on grow old with. Maybe that will change down the road but I can't see that far and I know enough about myself that that day may never come.

When someone does me wrong and in a scumbag way I permanently wash my hands of that person. If it wasn't for the kids I would fail to recognize her existence. It really is sad, I have had three other long term relationships and although those didn't work out I remained friends with those ladies. The difference being they didn't sh*t on me.

I have two weeks vacation left this year. I had a week scheduled in mid-August to take my kids to Lake Tahoe. However, I had to cancel it as the owner of the Center I work at is coming to town that week and I gotta be here.

I rescheduled that vacation for mid-Sept. unfortunately the kids can't go as they will be in school. I'll probably have a couple of friends join me instead.

Have a good weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

My church has a Celebrate Recovery ministry on Friday nights and I went to my first one. One of the groups they offer is people trying to heal from codependency issues.

It was my first night, but I usually learn something. I learned Friday that minimizing contact with STBXW is crucial right now because she can't win right now.

If she's nice, my brain will start racing with thoughts of "is she softening? Is the old STBXW coming back?" I haven't let go yet.

I've got similar feelings to you on selling the family home as well.

If she's a b*tch then those thoughts aren't there but are relationship only deteriorates further, which isn't good for the girls.

I've got a lot to process before anything changes with STBXW and maybe down the road I'll be OK around her. For now, if I didn't see or talk to her for six months that'd be great. The girls would notice it though.

It's a tough situation.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

I learned Friday that minimizing contact with STBXW is crucial right now because she can't win right now.

I'm not following you, what do you mean by this?

My feelings about selling the house are multi-faceted. One I thought I would be raising my children in that home through their high school years. Two, you absolutely could not pick a worse time in California history to be selling a home. 6 months from now might be a worse time but were not there yet. At this moment in time it has never been worse.

My STBX broke the communication silence today to send me her monthly bill. In the email she asked if she could come by the house if I am not there. I said no. She wants to pick up photo album of herself when she was a kid. It has been 15 days since we last communicated. Unfortunately we will more than likely be communicating more often until the house sells.

My goal once the D is final and the house sold is to limit my need to communicate with her to once a month if at all possible. Longer would be better but I don't think that is realistic and once a month might be a stretch as well.

[dwinter82]

Hey Man, just my bi-weekly check in. How's it going? Ex is driving me nuts over here...will update my thread in a bit.

[Cie la vie]

DW,

There has been a few developments since I last posted. The house is in escrow and I have 45 days to find a new residence.

My X informed me late yesterday via email that she never gave a copy of our MSA to her attorney for review and comments. Dumbass. So the D is going to take a bit longer to finalize.

I also found out via my kids last night that they have indeed met the OM. They say his name and apparently he is around them often. Isn't that nice. The kids are young so I need to take this with a grain of salt.

The X can't live up to our marriage vows and what shocker nor our D agreements either. I'm not surprised as I fully expected her to do whatever the f she wants with little or no regard for what is right or wrong.

Looks like I will need to postpone my previously rescheduled vacation to after I have settled into my new environs. I could really use the vacation time right now though. Feeling mighty burned out these days.

Take it easy.

[dwinter82]

Hey CLV, I guess on the positive note you are getting a new house...make sure it has a working bar somewhere, e.g., basement, dining room, bathroom, etc.)

I am feeling pretty bitter and pissed these days so I am not sure of I can offer you any good words of encouragement. Just stay cool, do not make things worse (whatever the hell that means) and enjoy your great kids.

How is the GAL'ing going...this does help.