Standing tall for myself--forever & ever, amen.

[beingreal]

Why is this how you act?

Why is this how you feel?

Blatant answer?

Because way too many people I trusted, people who should have protected me & cared for me, broke that trust. Some in truly diabolical ways.

Up went that first wall of steel. I built every other wall on top of that one until I was safely housed in a fortress of sorts.

Safe from everything good and bad. Except the bad has a way of finding its way in. Like a rancid fart let in the other side of the house--it seeps through every crack & stinks up the whole place.

(remember, I have three little boys--there are a lot of fart jokes going on over here. lol)


I've always known that I didn't really trust very many people, not completely. That's where the "I don't give all of me to any one person" thing came from. Little pieces to everyone--never the whole thing to one. No one ever got all of me.

And I used to think it was because I hadn't found anyone worth trusting. That doesn't sound right... I hadn't found anyone who made me feel safe enough to trust them completely. There would always be some issue, some problem and I'd have proof that I was right from the very beginning & up would go another wall.

This is the first time that I've realized that I didn't really give anyone a chance. I held people at arms' length and then wondered why I couldn't get close. I *always* found proof that someone wasn't trustworthy because I was *always* looking for it.

Hey--you wanted honest.

So did I subconsciously marry a man who wasn't able to be that loving pillar of support that I really wanted but was too afraid to have? Did I pick someone who was damaged, if you will-I knew about his past when I married him-- simply because I could have some control over the situation? To his credit, he didn't hide anything from me. If he wasn't able to be a giving, sharing partner then I couldn't really be blamed for having to take charge of everything. I could always be in control.

I gotta tell you though... always being in control & having to take charge of everything gets really old really quickly. It's exhausting, actually. By the time I figured that one out it was far too late. I was expecting someone else to change to meet my needs. I wanted H to suddenly step up because I no longer wanted to do it by myself. I know that is what he signed up for when we got married... in theory, but it had never been that way from day one--and suddenly I wanted everything different.

Halfway through & I changed the rules.

hmmmm.... interesting. Hadn't really thought of it that way before.

You can feel safe if YOU TRUST YOURSELF! Trust the choice you make and the life that you decide to live!

Um. Ouch. I guess I need to make that list with a "them" "life" & "me" column, don't I. I need to figure out what I need from everything. What I want from everyone of those things.

Guess which one is going to be the hardest one to do?

Maybe the better way to look at this is...how can I be happy and maintain a sense of self, while waiting for what I really want in life.

By living the life I want and not waste my time *waiting* on anything? Or anyone? If I can't trust anyone until I trust myself, and I can't be happy with someone else until I am happy all alone--then waiting for anything is really counterproductive.

Well if you trust yourself, then I guess you will trust who you choose to put something out there too. Oh...and by the way, shouldn't you be focused on you and not on someone esle. Just sayin...

I really just want to blow a raspberry your way for that one. but I won't because you are right.

Again.


I am starting to feel like I am living on a carnival midway. Specifically in the "House of Mirrors".

I'm going to need a hot dog & some cotton candy soon, please & thank you.