Quote: Excellent advice, once again my dear! I just feel like I'm being attacked when H critizes me, I go into protect mode and try to argue which is useless. I guess I'd rather be right than married--that's what I'm saying anyway. I want to be married, not right. So would the zinger be "sitter has extra gloves anyways" yes it was, I realized that now...this is hard stuff to learn for me.
The first step in correcting the problem is identifying it. Good job. Try to make a mental note to yourself next time that you don't have to go into protect mode. Choose your battles. Plan now for how you'll handle a similar situation in the future.
Quote: Had a nice time tonight with SS at B-Ball game. He asked about his Dad, wanted to know if he was moved back out again, I just said let's not go there. I said to SS, have you heard of MLC? [snip] I said your dad needs to quit drinking so much. [snip] I then said what I should do is D his sorry A** and then laughed and said but I'm not going to, I AM NOT going to get a divorce. [snip]SS also asked why his dad didn't contact his old friends, I said because H's waiting for them to call him first. H doesn't think he should have to call anybody and then I said your dad's a baby and SS said yeah I know..SS agreed, He loves his dad, but SS knows his dad oh to well.
But, SS is detached. Which is good.
Cathy
Your SS sounds very perceptive. I'm sure this is rough on him also. However, I think you should be very careful about discussing these things with him. When you use words like "A**", "baby", etc., it sets a bit of a tone for how your SS deals with your H. Your SS already knows there are relationship problems, drinking problems, etc. By berating your H to your SS, it depersonalizes your H. I think it would be much better to acknowledge the problems, but try not to do any name calling. Try not to send mixed signals to your SS by saying you're working on the R, but also calling your H names. At 19, I'm sure he can come up with plenty of opinions on his own. Discuss things with him, but don't take snipes at your H.
I really don't know what's going on with your H. He sounds like he's depressed. (I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV.) I don't know why he insists on testing you the way he does. It sounds like he's shifting responsibility for the problems to other people.
It also sounds like he's very afraid you're telling everyone that he moved, and are discussing the R with them. It sounds like he's having trouble believing you aren't. Maybe he's trying to figure out if home is a safe place to be.
I think he's poking his head out of the tunnel. I think he realizes his life is really messed-up right now, but hasn't figured out what to do to fix things. Patience, patience, patience. And if I haven't said it, be patient. It's something he's going to have to work through.
I think you're doing a good job of deflecting the snipes, and not personalizing them. Keep up the good work.
I too would recommend finding a better way to word that you don't want him back until he's ready to stay. With the way he's interpreting everything, he's probably viewing that as you not wanting him to come back. I think you got some excellent suggestions on better ways to word things.
