Quote: Good for you. Better yet, just say....I'm sorry it upset you that I didn't send gloves with him...I'll try to remember to do that from now on. And then let it go.
That puts it on him in a way, but still shows positive intent to correct the sitch for him... you aren't sorry you forgot to send gloves, just sorry it upset him...LOL
Excellent advice, once again my dear! I just feel like I'm being attacked when H critizes me, I go into protect mode and try to argue which is useless. I guess I'd rather be right than married--that's what I'm saying anyway. I want to be married, not right. So would the zinger be "sitter has extra gloves anyways" yes it was, I realized that now...this is hard stuff to learn for me.
I just put your AAP (Accept Responsibility, Apoligize, provide posistive promise on notecard this afternoon, along with some other good advice I've found on the BB. And on the back of this card, I will put the above as an example!! Bought son two pair of gloves today, they had a buy one get one free at one of the stores I hit.
Had a nice time tonight with SS at B-Ball game. He asked about his Dad, wanted to know if he was moved back out again, I just said let's not go there. I said to SS, have you heard of MLC? SS said, yeah I kind of thought that's what it was. I then told SS I'd get something for him to read..was that a good idea?
I said your dad needs to quit drinking so much. SS said that's what I told him a few months ago and then H tried to put it back on SS. SS told his dad, I'm 19 that's what I'm supposed to do or something like that..and then SS said "and that's why H didn't talk to me for two months"...SS said that his dad knew that SS was right...SS is so perceptive and as my friend told me, SS's had to be the parent, too. Sad
I then said what I should do is D his sorry A** and then laughed and said but I'm not going to, I AM NOT going to get a divorce. So SS knows I'm hanging in there. SS also asked why his dad didn't contact his old friends, I said because H's waiting for them to call him first. H doesn't think he should have to call anybody and then I said your dad's a baby and SS said yeah I know..SS agreed, He loves his dad, but SS knows his dad oh to well.
H came back with son this morning, I went to a friends for awhile and when I got back H was sitting on the couch, S was sleeping, so I intiated with H, we ml. H wanted to know why, he wants to know why, of course I didn't say because I care about you.
Then we get up starts getting the rest of his stuff that me moved back with him, the rest of his clothes and some hunting things. As he was carrying some stuff out H said when is all this moving going to end? I said I don't know, it's your decision. I helped him with it and when H was all loaded up. I went out in the garage, H wasn't even going to say goodbye, so I said are you leaving? H said yes. I said don't move all this stuff back again unless you're going to stay and then I said I love you. I didn't say it in spite, I just stated it. H said what, don't come back here anymore? I said don't move it all back again unless you're staying. I don't know if H understood or what but he left. I think this is a boundary and I mean it now.
H was pleasant the whole time he was here, too..
Did I say the right thing or the wrong thing...I FEEL it was the right thing. Now all I have to do is get ready for MY MONDAY CALL FROM H....
SS is a big boy, right? Let him get his own reading material, so H can't take that out on you. You might suggest something to SS, but I would let him be in control of going and getting it. Takes the weight off of your shoulders. You could do a little research and suggest a specific title or two, but leave it at that.
Monday call? Weren't you going to go do something nice for yourself and miss that call? LOL....don't take the call.
You are doing terrific. Keep up the great work. As for telling him not to come back until he was really ready...well, two sides to that coin. It is great to set boundaries for yourself. However, you may have come off sounding a bit controlling, dear. Can you resay it in a better manner? Like.....I hope that when you come back you are coming back to stay. I really hate the moving back and forth, too. It hurts me everytime you go away. I'd love for you to come home and be sure that is where you want to be. I'm sure it's where I want you to be. I love you and really want our life together to be happy again.
Just a suggestion...you know your sitch best...so do what you think is best. Hugs..Akgal
Quote: hope that when you come back you are coming back to stay. I really hate the moving back and forth, too. It hurts me everytime you go away. I'd love for you to come home and be sure that is where you want to be. I'm sure it's where I want you to be. I love you and really want our life together to be happy again.
Should I call H first thing in the morning, before H calls me? That way I'll being doing a 180.
Quote: Excellent advice, once again my dear! I just feel like I'm being attacked when H critizes me, I go into protect mode and try to argue which is useless. I guess I'd rather be right than married--that's what I'm saying anyway. I want to be married, not right. So would the zinger be "sitter has extra gloves anyways" yes it was, I realized that now...this is hard stuff to learn for me.
The first step in correcting the problem is identifying it. Good job. Try to make a mental note to yourself next time that you don't have to go into protect mode. Choose your battles. Plan now for how you'll handle a similar situation in the future.
Quote: Had a nice time tonight with SS at B-Ball game. He asked about his Dad, wanted to know if he was moved back out again, I just said let's not go there. I said to SS, have you heard of MLC? [snip] I said your dad needs to quit drinking so much. [snip] I then said what I should do is D his sorry A** and then laughed and said but I'm not going to, I AM NOT going to get a divorce. [snip]SS also asked why his dad didn't contact his old friends, I said because H's waiting for them to call him first. H doesn't think he should have to call anybody and then I said your dad's a baby and SS said yeah I know..SS agreed, He loves his dad, but SS knows his dad oh to well.
But, SS is detached. Which is good.
Cathy
Your SS sounds very perceptive. I'm sure this is rough on him also. However, I think you should be very careful about discussing these things with him. When you use words like "A**", "baby", etc., it sets a bit of a tone for how your SS deals with your H. Your SS already knows there are relationship problems, drinking problems, etc. By berating your H to your SS, it depersonalizes your H. I think it would be much better to acknowledge the problems, but try not to do any name calling. Try not to send mixed signals to your SS by saying you're working on the R, but also calling your H names. At 19, I'm sure he can come up with plenty of opinions on his own. Discuss things with him, but don't take snipes at your H.
I really don't know what's going on with your H. He sounds like he's depressed. (I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV.) I don't know why he insists on testing you the way he does. It sounds like he's shifting responsibility for the problems to other people.
It also sounds like he's very afraid you're telling everyone that he moved, and are discussing the R with them. It sounds like he's having trouble believing you aren't. Maybe he's trying to figure out if home is a safe place to be.
I think he's poking his head out of the tunnel. I think he realizes his life is really messed-up right now, but hasn't figured out what to do to fix things. Patience, patience, patience. And if I haven't said it, be patient. It's something he's going to have to work through.
I think you're doing a good job of deflecting the snipes, and not personalizing them. Keep up the good work.
I too would recommend finding a better way to word that you don't want him back until he's ready to stay. With the way he's interpreting everything, he's probably viewing that as you not wanting him to come back. I think you got some excellent suggestions on better ways to word things.
Quote: The first step in correcting the problem is identifying it. Good job. Try to make a mental note to yourself next time that you don't have to go into protect mode. Choose your battles. Plan now for how you'll handle a similar situation in the future.
This is something I really have to work on, I did it again yesterday. H said he didn't sleep very well that night because our son was sleeping with him. So what do I say? Not oh that's too bad, but you should have let son sleep on the floor. I catch it after I do it!! Arggh..this is a well entrenched habit of mine, goes WAY back, so it's going to take some time and some exploring of ME to get to the root of it and to determine if I still need to protect myself (emotionally) from H and from other people, too.
Quote: Try not to send mixed signals to your SS by saying you're working on the R, but also calling your H names.
Yes, I agree, will have to watch myself from now on for the most part I have been doing quite well and try to change the subject. I say it lightheartedly and then laugh..but I REALLY need to not make my H out as the bad guy. You're right SS is very perceptive..amazingly so for his age.
Quote: I think you're doing a good job of deflecting the snipes, and not personalizing them. Keep up the good work.
I think you're right I am getting a handle on this. After I left my friends yesterday, H called me. Wanted to know once again, why I had to go to her house, I was looking at scrapbooking stuff I told him again, H said why? I said I was getting ideas. I told him all of this before I left. I asked if S was sleeping, H ignored my question, and asked again why I went over there. I then changed the subject and said "I can't believe it's almost 60 degrees out" and then said I'll be there in about 20 minutes. H said okay, good bye.
"Keep up the good work"--CHL you sound like my boss. However, I will take the compliment as no one has ever said that to me about my R!! Thank you!
