I THINK I understand why this is the best possible thing right now. However, I am still cycling thru extreme feelings and emotions.

I think my H is in a MLC...or at least all the signs are pointing to this. I also think looking back...all the signs were there that a MLC was inevitable. Perhaps he has been in one long crisis...not sure.

Talking to my SIL the other night- we discussed how my H was always moody..always displayed signs of depression..something was always just a bit off. He hasn't done anything to help himself. I believe he will need to go down this path to realize that his unhappiness lies within him. Until that point, he will continue to blame everyone around him...and this is not healthy for me and this is not what I want for myself.

It is difficult for me not to be impacted by someone else's mood. I know- detach detach detach. When you are living with someone plagued with bouts of depression, irritability, and anger- It is really difficult to detach. You want to help. You doubt yourself (am I causing him to be so angry and miserable?)
You begin doubting yourself even more when everything is your fault..you are to blame for EVERYTHING that doesn't go like planned. You are blamed because the weather stinks. I was yelled at when his dinner wasn't ready because I was stuck at work late. I was responsible for the dogs barking. At times I became defensive...I did not like acting defensive. I really wasn't sure how to react to it at times.

Then there is the narcissistic component to his personality. He has an enormous sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy and compassion. How does one learn this??

I do still love him...and care deeply for him- but he needs to do this on his own. I don't believe he intentionally treated me this way. I really do believe he couldn't help himself. As my IC says often- he doesn't have a clue. He is just going in circles.

I need to work on putting myself back together. As I have mentioned before- my confidence has been shaken to the core. I need to find out what is important to me..what I want. This is what I am concentrating right now...instead of focusing all my energy on him. This is kind of frightening after spending so many years considering someone else. It is kind of lonely.