Yep..your younger and wiser than most of us..that is except Mach..I think he only 12 but wise for his age.
Yo Mach..love ya dude!
Sorry for the hijack real.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The weekend was a long one. And not in a good way.
I spent Friday in a physician's office. It is the first time I had to fill out the paperwork & mark the "separated" box. And then draw a line where it asked for your H's info.
It made me feel alone. Completely and utterly alone.
Saturday was a much better day. My very dear friend with a rare form of cancer had a benefit on Saturday. They raised just over $25K for her. It was amazing. I've not ever seen such an outpouring of love for one person. She is an incredible woman & I am glad to be her friend. Not only was it for a really great cause, it was probably one of the best parties I have ever been to. lol. DJ in the building, live band behind the building. Lots of drunk,emotional people there. lol I had no desire to meet anyone--but they were very entertaining.
At one point my friend was making a speech and she turned to thank her husband. Her H is a really wonderful man. Whom she almost left at one point. When things were getting really bad between H & I, she told me how bad things had gotten a few years ago & how they had managed to hold it together. He has done more than redeemed himself.
He is a wonderful husband. As she is talking about him, his starts crying. Unabashedly crying. The woman he loves and adores has about 18 months left--at the most. (She isn't buying that one, but that is what she was told) And watching him up there, open and unashamed, there was not a dry eye in the house.
She started to talk about how he always made her feel beautiful--even bald (he shaved his head the same day she did, how he was always there for her, how it was always "we need to do this" and "we have this test"...she didn't feel so alone because she knew they were a team.
She said she felt safe with him.
And that's when I just broke & did a little bawling myself.
Safe.
I never felt safe with H. I never felt safe with anyone.
Was that why I was such a *fixer* in every R? Or was my controlling nature the reason I didn't feel safe? I obviously have trust issues, and you can't feel safe unless you trust someone.
Chicken or the egg argument at this point.
Did I pick H because he was the type of person I could *fix* & was therefore not the giving kind who could be supportive? or was he at one point & did I just destroy it?
I have no idea.
I just know that it wouldn't have mattered had he still been around to put his name on that medical form. Even if he were here, I'd still be going through this alone. Because either he never made me feel safe or because I wouldn't let him. The end result would be the same.
So now my real question going forward from this point is...
How alone do I want to be for the rest of my life?
How much of myself am I willing to "put out there" and how much am I willing to trust someone new?
To quote the theme song from one of my sons' favorite shows...
There's no chance unless you take one.
Grit--I know I still owe you an answer. I am still working on it. That was another revelation that made this weekend a little difficult. You asked, I dug & was surprised at what I found. I need to write it in a way that makes sense, so give me a little bit. It's a doozy, imo.
You guys and your freakin' mirrors. lol
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
You can feel safe if YOU TRUST YOURSELF! Trust the choice you make and the life that you decide to live!
Your not perfect - never will be - none of us will be.
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How alone do I want to be for the rest of my life?
Maybe the better way to look at this is...how can I be happy and maintain a sense of self, while waiting for what I really want in life.
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How much of myself am I willing to "put out there" and how much am I willing to trust someone new?
Well if you trust yourself, then I guess you will trust who you choose to put something out there too. Oh...and by the way, shouldn't you be focused on you and not on someone esle. Just sayin...
Eric (pink tutu) Sant
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Because way too many people I trusted, people who should have protected me & cared for me, broke that trust. Some in truly diabolical ways.
Up went that first wall of steel. I built every other wall on top of that one until I was safely housed in a fortress of sorts.
Safe from everything good and bad. Except the bad has a way of finding its way in. Like a rancid fart let in the other side of the house--it seeps through every crack & stinks up the whole place.
(remember, I have three little boys--there are a lot of fart jokes going on over here. lol)
I've always known that I didn't really trust very many people, not completely. That's where the "I don't give all of me to any one person" thing came from. Little pieces to everyone--never the whole thing to one. No one ever got all of me.
And I used to think it was because I hadn't found anyone worth trusting. That doesn't sound right... I hadn't found anyone who made me feel safe enough to trust them completely. There would always be some issue, some problem and I'd have proof that I was right from the very beginning & up would go another wall.
This is the first time that I've realized that I didn't really give anyone a chance. I held people at arms' length and then wondered why I couldn't get close. I *always* found proof that someone wasn't trustworthy because I was *always* looking for it.
Hey--you wanted honest.
So did I subconsciously marry a man who wasn't able to be that loving pillar of support that I really wanted but was too afraid to have? Did I pick someone who was damaged, if you will-I knew about his past when I married him-- simply because I could have some control over the situation? To his credit, he didn't hide anything from me. If he wasn't able to be a giving, sharing partner then I couldn't really be blamed for having to take charge of everything. I could always be in control.
I gotta tell you though... always being in control & having to take charge of everything gets really old really quickly. It's exhausting, actually. By the time I figured that one out it was far too late. I was expecting someone else to change to meet my needs. I wanted H to suddenly step up because I no longer wanted to do it by myself. I know that is what he signed up for when we got married... in theory, but it had never been that way from day one--and suddenly I wanted everything different.
Halfway through & I changed the rules.
hmmmm.... interesting. Hadn't really thought of it that way before.
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You can feel safe if YOU TRUST YOURSELF! Trust the choice you make and the life that you decide to live!
Um. Ouch. I guess I need to make that list with a "them" "life" & "me" column, don't I. I need to figure out what I need from everything. What I want from everyone of those things.
Guess which one is going to be the hardest one to do?
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Maybe the better way to look at this is...how can I be happy and maintain a sense of self, while waiting for what I really want in life.
By living the life I want and not waste my time *waiting* on anything? Or anyone? If I can't trust anyone until I trust myself, and I can't be happy with someone else until I am happy all alone--then waiting for anything is really counterproductive.
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Well if you trust yourself, then I guess you will trust who you choose to put something out there too. Oh...and by the way, shouldn't you be focused on you and not on someone esle. Just sayin...
I really just want to blow a raspberry your way for that one. but I won't because you are right.
Again.
I am starting to feel like I am living on a carnival midway. Specifically in the "House of Mirrors".
I'm going to need a hot dog & some cotton candy soon, please & thank you.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Up went that first wall of steel. I built every other wall on top of that one until I was safely housed in a fortress of sorts.
I’m sure you know that NOW is the time to tear down these freaking walls… Hey isn’t that a pink floyd song? LOL
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I've always known that I didn't really trust very many people, not completely. That's where the "I don't give all of me to any one person" thing came from. Little pieces to everyone--never the whole thing to one. No one ever got all of me.
Shel – you want to talk about trust issues – sorry to say go read my thread. I sooo struggled with trust. Sometime I still do. Know what…I now say F dat. I decided to open up…to trust myself! We are not perfect – none of us. How can someone get to know being real is she is not…..well let’s just say “being real”. Shel – in order to Open up you really need to TRUST YOURSELF.
Trusting yourself btw does not mean that you will not make mistakes. You will. Learn from them and do better.
I know…”I don’t want to get hurt”, “I am afraid”, “my past”, “<insert any other excuse here>”. At the end of the day YOU need to decide what YOU want. Do you want to live a life of openness, of being so true to who YOU are that it does not make a fu*king difference what I, Grit, Cat or anyone else on these boards think.
This IMO is the openness and trust that you are seeking.
God Bless
BTW - if your gonna hurl I prefer Blackberries - smile
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
