Wife isn't sure about marriage...

[SunnyD]

It's crazy. Some people, men and women alike, feel it as some big ego boost to be able to sink their teeth into a married woman or married man. Like it makes them more man or woman to be able to "steel" someone else's spouse! It's sick.

[someguy1233]

Update-

Update-
I spoke to her calmly, but firm. I gave a brief speach based on the tips provided in this thread. I didn't let her talk and told her she needed to listen to me. Below is a brief overview of the discussion that took place after I said what I came to say...

I told her that I know she's having an affair with OM and that he needs to go away. She admitted there are feelings there and appologized. She said she confided in him about our problems and "oops" it happened.

I did tell her I'd give her space if she completely ended it with him and agreed to see a therapist for herself. She said that her decision about whether or not she wants to be married has little or nothing to do with OM.

I told her again to see a therapist for herself (she asked for therapist info and was given it yesterday). She got angry and said I don't get to make that decision and that I'm not the boss of her making that decision. She repeated that she wants time to herself. Time with out OM and time with out me. She wants to be at home alone. She said that if she decides to remain married, she will talk to a FT because we will have repair work to do.

I let her talk, but basically kept repeating that she needed to end things with him.

I told her that I do have a decision on where I live. I do have a decision on where I lay my head at night. She challenged the statement and started to grasp my point- she couldn't believe that I was telling her that I wouldn't leave the house unless she agreed to end it with him and see a therapist. She said I was holding her house hostage (she lived their prior to us getting married.) She angrily told me that I have plenty of places I can go and people that support me. She said she can't go to her parents because they aren't supportive and are angry at her. Then she errupted and told me to pack my stuff and that she's done.

I let her walk away, and only a minute later she came back much more calm and crying, stating I can't do this. She said she doesn't think I want her to make a decision right now and that I'm pushing her up against a wall.

I told her to end it. I told her one week isn't enough time to make this type of decision. She said it is enough time for her to decide if this relationship can be salvaged.

She told me she wouldn't get married again. That if she could take back saying, "yes" to the proposal, she would.

She couldn't believe that I would sit and plot "how I can stick it to her." I responded by reminding her she's having an affair. She sarcastically said, "so now you get to tell me what to do because I made a mistake and got to close to somebody?"


She denied more (surprise...). She made a comment about me not knowing anything and that I think I'm "so sneaky." She said I have no idea what they talk about and that there's nothing to get.

Told her to tell him it's done. Not that she won't be talking to him for a week. She said she can manage her own conversations and there's nothing to end because nothing has begun. I told her not to lie to me.

She said the fact that she's married really matters to him. I didn't allow her to continue down the road of talking about him.

She kept asking for me to give her space.

She said she hasn't disrespected me to anyone.. She said that she tells people I'm working when she's around our usual hang outs and people ask where I am. I told her that she's disrespecting me to my face. She said she's disrespected me in her heart. I wonder if she's telling me she hasn't talked bad about me because she's worried that I may talk bad about her? She tell me to not go around telling people that she didn't try. She said she tried for years [years were pre-marriage], but not this time.

I repeated again, tell him it's done. She made a sarcastic comment about forcing her. I walked out the door with out saying a word. (earlier I had told her I was leaving, but would be back later. She told me not to expect her to be there...)

side note- She honestly seems very frustrated that I'm calling the shots. It actually brought to light another problem that we have in our relationship... looking back, I now remember times that she mentioned that she never feels like she has a say in anything and that I have full control. That'd be something to address if we make it through this..

Do I leave the house? Do I go tell her parents? Do I got chat with him... I have absolute confirmation of an EA and even used the word affair to her face and she didn't even flinch.

I want to go home and go to bed. I have no idea if she's there and would prefer that she not be. I don't want to go back and discuss this further tonight.

[someguy1233]

I'm home and going to bed. She's sleeping on the couch again...
Phone logs show no indication of her contacting anyone during the time I was away.

[CD Bear]

Sorry that no oe has got back to you so I'm gonna give my two cents.

I'm soon to be in the exact Exposure Boat you are in si I've been practicing in my mind for days.

Based on what you wrote, you pretty much nailed it.

All I've heard about the aftermath is that, as far as her continued arguments, you do not need to participate.

It takes two to argue and if you stick to your guns as you have and simply hold up your hand and say 'I'm done dicussing this. You have your choices and a decision to make. I've made mine. I'm going to bed'

Best advice I can give on short notice, my friend.

You did great. Just carry it over the goal line. One lousy yard.

[Quicksilver264]

She said I was holding her house hostage (she lived their prior to us getting married.) She angrily told me that I have plenty of places I can go and people that support me. She said she can't go to her parents because they aren't supportive and are angry at her. Then she errupted and told me to pack my stuff and that she's done.

DUDE, I HAVE BEEN THERE

IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE IT. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

If she wants "out" so badly, the let HER go somewhere. The WAS MUST FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS AND DECISIONS. It becomes less "rosy" when she has to leave her house and beg a friend to let her come stay.

This is where you have to have some real BALLS. Please read my thread. EVERY TIME I operate from a position of strength, I absolutely control the situation and the weight of my WAW's decisions falls upon her like bricks.

Ignore all this absolute crap and let her throw her fits, let her cry, let her rage. KEEP CALM, KEEP CALM, KEEP CALM.

Guess what? She is raining down Hell on herself right now. You are actually watching a person torture themselves, hurt themselves, and just plain screw with themselves. See what happens when you operate from a position of strength? KEEP IT THERE, and you will watch her tear herself apart. That is what NEEDS to happen.

Then she will have seen you remain calm the whole time, and see how an ADULT acts.

************IMPORTANT POINTS********
-DO NOT do anything stupid or RASH. Depending on the State you live in, she *could* get an ex parte order to get you out. Other than that, if she wants you out so badly, then MAKE HER DO ALL THE WORK.

-DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Clean up your room, put up some crazy art, or build a gazebo. LET HER KNOW YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF LEAVING.

-ONLY DISCUSS THINGS ON YOUR TERMS. You MUST operate from a position of STRENGTH. Last night you appeared to do that and look WHAT A MESS SHE WAS.

Ever hear that song "Indestructible" by Disturbed? That's what you have to be. Keep operating from positions of Superiority and Dominance. CONTROL THE SKIES AND WIN THE BATTLE.

[Allen A]

1. Make it VERY clear that you want your wife to see a GOOD family therapist, not some quack shrink - its IDEAL if she and you see the same one
2. You tell her if she ends it and agrees to talk to a professional family therapist instead of that creep about her problems you will give her up to SIX months if she wants it. That's the deal, she can have up to six months if she decides to end the affair and solve her problems the ADULT WAY
3. YOu will have to confront OM... start buliding a script based on his character and how well you know him.. Rmember he's moving in on your wife so don't think eh's mr honest nice guy
4. You will have to expose to her parents as well before she runs damage control and turns them against you

Your wife WILL be talking to your entire social circle and running damage control very soon... Its standard tactics right now... You need to get there first to warn them she's spinning a tale. WHen you wanrn them and then she shows up later and lies to them to their face they will have no respect for her...

Don't bother talking to any party pals... Just adults and mature family members

[SunnyD]

You're doing great! Just remember to keep your resolve, no matter what!

[someguy1233]

Thank you, all. I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate your support. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel angry, sad, depressed, and confused. Sometimes all of them within a five minute period.

But I WILL NOT let her see me that way. I am a stone. I am firm. I am fighting for this marriage.

I'm terrified of the next steps. Talking to her parents is something I can handle. What scares me to death is her reactions. However, I believe in the experiences everyone has shared on these forums. This behavior of her's needs to stop. I just know that I'm about to see an angry side of her that I've never seen before. I'm terrified that this step will leave me with divorce papers.

[SunnyD]

Don't let that fear rule your actions. It's OK to feel it, but you can't let it win! As I shared on another post, "Courage is just fear that has said its prayers..."

[Allen A]

SG, you just tell her parents the following :

1. I want to save this marriage to your daughter, I made a commitment to her and I intend to honour that.
2. There is an OM who is meddling on our marriage and it is next to impossible for us to repair anything while he is preying on her while she's emotionally vulnerable.
3. I have asked your daughter to end contact with him during this difficult time, but she has refused.
4. I would hope you can support our marriage here rather than a rush for divorce during a stressful time particularly while there is a third party covertly interfering driing your D to divorce.

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SG, if you KNOW this guy and her parents know this guy I am giong to suggest you even ask THEM to invite him to their house and have THEM tell him to get lost... That he is an interference and a distraction and they want him to STOP MEDDLING and to go AWAY

This puts OM in a very difficult position if they can do this. He KNOWS he has no future with your wife if he alienates the parents... You already outed him as an interloper... His goose is cooked.

He has two choices :

a. Honour their request and back off
b. Sneak around more carefully

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You COULD confront OM directly on your own, but I strongly reccomend you invite her parents do do the confronting instead, its going to have a lot more BITE to it if you get my drift...