New here, not sure where to start

[ericmsant2]

ITay -

I am so sorry I did not respond sooner. I had daddy duties and such. Look hone' let me be honest with you - you are freaking the f out and it is normal. Actually quite normal. It really is. This sh*t is not for the faint of heart - nope. You feel helpless, you feel like you are sitting on the handle bars of a bike with someone else driving and you are flying down a hill – no control at all. It sucks and it is scary. Please do me a favor before you read the rest of this post….

close your eyes for a few seconds and just say to yourself – “I will make it – this too shall pass”. Cause sweetie it will. It really will.

So, as hard as it is stop thinking about the OP. You really need to stop. I know your gonna obsess but the faster you ACCEPT that your H is off on his own planet the better off you will be. Nothing…and I mean nothing you do right now will change his mind. What you do right now though…could push him further away. Let me tell you this….I did what you are doing to my W, and made it so much worse.

I soooo want to give you the fighting chance to save your M – but ya gotta listen – okay?

I have a couple of things that I want to say to you but before I do the quote below bothered me a bit. Sorry it did.

I told my kids and they have told the other family members.

Why the hell would you tell the kids? They have no role in this? Really IMO keep’em out of it. Just wondering..why did you tell them to begin with? Were you trying to manipulate him? Trying to get some sort of a response from him? I can tell you now - It ain’t gonna work. Nope..I tried and know several people who have – it does not work. Oh…and telling the parents doesn’t work either. I told my FIL (my W is so daddy’s little girl) and when he told her that she was making a mistake…well my W told her dad to mind his “f’in business”.

FTR - I respect Puppy a lot – I do. IMO – exposing or busting the A does not work. Just my opinion though and I am not a trained professional – just an average guy so what the hell do I know. I’m sure many on these boards can debate the stats behind both approaches – either way it is a personal decision that one must make. Either way you “exposed” the A – what did it get you? Nada – nothing. Matter of fact I think you feel worse because it did not yield the desired result. It never will when someone is “lost”.

Okay back to where you are right now….You know your obsessing, which is a good thing. Let me show you something here…

Here is your obsession….You said …

to see her every weekend and screw her brains out without making things worse with me.

So he probably is having an EA with her now.

I really just want it to go away..I want her to go away..she is a skanky ugly dykey bit$$.

And he had the nerve to tell me she was alot like me..not a chance. i would never go after a married man and break up a family like that.

And here is why YOU are obsessing…(in your own words)

I looked and felt frumpy and my self esteem took a hit because of it.

I became dependent, shut myself in like a hermit, clung to him like a wet rag when he came home and lost myself

I became more of a best friend than a wife

I analyze things to death and while I'm willing to listen to others, I usually always think my way is best and try to show them why it is.

So hopefully you can see what is driving your obsession. It is really how YOU feel about yourself more than it is about the OP. Can you see it? Yeah, it is easy to blame the OP. It is quite easy. What It really is; is a way to get out of facing the issues that you really need to face, which is…….If you feel better about YOURSELF…well then she would not matter!

Now, were all going to tell you to work on yourself – why? Cause that my friend you can control. You can control how YOU feel. You cannot control your H. Working on yourself will make YOU feel better – you can’t see that right now because you obsessing and focused on your H.

Oh…by the way…if you begin to look at yourself and focus on you….you will initially fight doing what we refer to as the “work”. Yep…you will…why will you (see below)?

Because well….you’re a thinker. Your smart. You think that you can some how manipulate the situation. Control it. Here is the advice that you received so far on trying to reason or out “think” him.

From Jack - you'll try to outlogic a crazy person. You can OUT-CRAZY them...but not out-think them...in MLC...you have a CHANCE to outlast them.

From Snodderly - When someone is acting out in an emotional state, you can't reason w/them.

From Snooderly - you cannot out think them, manipulate or control them.

Now, let me ask you a question. Do you really think that you can somehow figure him out? I think your smarter than that and I think you know the answer. Actually, I think you know deep down inside that you can’t. So what is it then….

IMO what you are struggling with is FEAR Tay. Yep..straight up FEAR. So call it what it is…accept it…embrace the fear and then ITay…take the biggest f*cking step of your life and LET IT GO. Why? Because ITay, you nor I, nor anyone on these boards can MAKE SOMEONE DO WHAT WE WANT THEM TO DO. No one here can.

Think about the fear for a second…
- Do you FEEL like you have no control?
- Do you FEEL like you will not make it?
- Do you FEEL like you will be alone?
- Do you FEEL so insecure that what you have right now (in terms of you H) you can never have again?
- Do you FEEL like no one else will love you?
- Do you FEEL like you will be unable to take care of your kids?
- Do you FEEL like know one will find you sexy again?
- Do you FEEL like you are afraid of being angry?

What I can tell you ITay, is that all of these “FEELINGS” of fear – will go away. They will. You know what is really cool? And I do understand that you may not see it yet. What’s really cool is that YOU and ONLY YOU decide when you no longer have these fears and feelings. Yep..only you. So believe it or not you are in control.


ITay – you love your H. This much I know. It’s so clear in your posts. Think about love for a second. What is Love? Let’s take a biblical approach.

Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is understanding
Love seek the best in everyone
Love is never boastful
Love is slow to anger
Love is compassionate

And my favorite (although it is the one that no one really likes)….LOVE IS LONG SUFFERING.

Look Tay – relax, breath, focus on you for a few days. Go do something that you enjoy. Get your feet under you. Then…make a commitment to yourself to BE THE WOMEN THAT YOU WANT TO BE. The one that, if you were a man, YOU would want to be with. Go be that person and let your H figure his own shi*t out.

God Bless,
Eric