Melody, you haven't blown it. As far as you were concerned, he left the marriage so it was over. You kissed a guy, and went on some dates? Hey, there are plenty of folks on this forum who actually ADVISE us to do that as a STRATEGY to get our spouses back! That doesn't make it right or wrong, it just means you aren't terrible or stupid or wacko for doing it. It means that obviously there is no real guidebook for this kind of thing, and some people found success doing what you did.
And remember this: It ain't over til YOU say it's over...(because you could still not let go even if he divorces you)
I realize you are dividing things but my stbxh and I divided things 15 months before he filed for D. So my point is division of STUFF doesn't mean that divorce is immediate and the obvious next step.
There is nothing wrong with informing your H one more time that you do not want the divorce, you own your mistakes in the marriage and want to make up for them, but that he needs to be willing to do a, b, c if he wants to save his family and marriage. And then you don't even need to say OR ELSE I will...or TELL ME BY thid date.... Just put it out there and see what he says. If he says "no this is what I want" then you can accept it. If he says"well tell me more....what can I do?" then you go from there. This is a rough sketch, obviously, but if you don't say it you will always wonder "what if I..."
OK and one more thing. Sigh. My IC told me that when a man is hell bent on being with the OW, chances are they "consumated" their affair with sex. My stbxh swore up and down and sideways that he only kissed OW. If I hadn't have found proof of the hotel room, I would have believed it forever! Now, I DO NOT want to project my sitch on to you. BUt I do want to share what my IC says. Does it change anything for you if he did sleep with her? Maybe you don't need to know or care to know. But once I found that out, I realized that it did make sense to explain his PASSION and messed up thinking. My stbxh had cemented his feelings for OW once they had slept together.
Last edited by newmama; 07/12/1004:36 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks, Newmama . . . I appreciate your take on the situation and reminding me that it's not an "out there" reaction. Yes, I do think my H had sex with OW - I can't prove it but yeah right I think he just kissed her. Obviously I can't prove it, but I believe it.
So new update: My H brought dd home at 9pm tonight. She was in a great mood - showing me her souvenirs from somewhere my H took her. H left quickly (thank goodness) and I avoided engaging with him. I noticed my dd's toes were painted so I asked her who painted her toes. Of course . .. OW. Then she divulges that OW went to the amusement park with them too. I was floored and PO'd . . . texted my H and let him know that this was not cool. Told him "I will not tolerate u violating dd and our family by exposing her to your affair partner." He texts me back "Ohhh god. stop over reacting. just a friend that was willing to hang out with us. And dd was asking for her to come over today." What a sick, sick thing to say/do!!! And you know, my daughter actually likes OW - because OW brings her presents and paints her toenails. She's too young to know anything other than OW is a nice lady who gives her lots of attn.
So, I: texted a mutual friend (who actually agreed to be the one to show the glimmer of hope to him); texted his sister; texted OW's BF with a text that exposes. I plan to call his mom tomorrow and ask her to call him and give him a hard time over exposing dd to OW. Not sure I can refuse him access to our dd or prohibit her from being around OW. Again, in a no fault divorce state - and, don't think I can prove any immediate harm to dd. In fact, I think the L's could say that not allowing H access to dd is the harmful thing for dd. What a twisted, twisted world this is!
I have a lawyer on retainer but don't intend to file - just wanted to have someone ready right away if needed. Let my H dirty his hands if that's what he wants. Also, canceled the realtor for tomorrow too. He didn't even ask about it tonight so who knows . . .
Another thing - I know he has no $$$ so I'm not sure how he would file for divorce. It would be OW's $$ or maybe he would promise lawyer proceeds from sale of our house? Not sure if anyone would work that way in this housing market . . .
Wonder if I could get my lawyer to call him and say that he is representing me and that his client (me) has requested that he not expose our daughter to OW. Maybe just the gravity of a lawyer conveying the message would shake him up a bit.
Though everyone is on "Team Melody," no one is supportive of my trying to salvage the R. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for trying - they sympathize but can't understand why I would want such an a$$ back in my life. I have to admit that were it not for my dd, I'd be gone . . . the only thing that made me want to try again was the visual of imagining her being carted from low-end apt. to low-end apt., switching elementary schools while her parents moved around and reestablished themselves, and being exposed to parents' dating lives and the push/pull of divorced parents who can't work well together.
Ick . . . I'm remembering why I gave up in the first place. Because caring just puts me in a whirlwind of awfulness. Haven't quite figured out how to detach and still want to work on marriage. Just posting today has rekindled my attachment (mentally).
Though everyone is on "Team Melody," no one is supportive of my trying to salvage the R. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for trying - they sympathize but can't understand why I would want such an a$$ back in my life. I have to admit that were it not for my dd, I'd be gone . . . the only thing that made me want to try again was the visual of imagining her being carted from low-end apt. to low-end apt., switching elementary schools while her parents moved around and reestablished themselves, and being exposed to parents' dating lives and the push/pull of divorced parents who can't work well together.
Exactly why I didn't divorce him. EXACTLY.
But you know what? If you do R, they will come around eventually. ANd those who don't come around, well, I guess they aren't friends you want in your life.
You know, at this point, you should just live your separate life and work on you. If you let him know that you dont' want the divorce, then it will make it easier to not worry so much about your actions while you do what you want and just ignore him the best you can. Limbo is very hard, though. This ain't for the weak willed that's for sure. I learned I was as strong as those characters in the movies..wow! And guess what--if you don't want to be in limbo and divorce, you still are strong because it will be a very hard decision to make but the last resort, you know?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Alright . . . even tonight, my H claims that OW is "just friends" in a response to my request that he not expose dd to her. Goodness sakes, does anyone believe this? So my friend and I went on a little drive . . . to my H's apt. complex . . . found both OW's car and his car there. Prob not a good decision, but my friend left notes (in her handwriting) "Just friends?" on both of their cars . . . hopefully will freak them out.
I haven't exposed to her parents and I think I might . . . here is my letter. Thoughts? Yeah, I'm angry tonight. Hate to operate from a position of anger, but . . .
Dear Mr. and Mrs. ________, You may be aware that your daughter, ____________, is dating my husband, _______________. _______ and _______work together at ________________ in ________ Beach.
It is true that my husband and I are separated at the moment, but I want to make it clear to you that the separation occurred because of his relationship with your daughter. My husband _____ and I have a four year old daughter whose home is about to be broken up as a result of your daughter’s relationship with my husband.
I had suspected their relationship for a period of time given the high volume of phone calls shown on our phone records and the fact that my husband was having her over to our house when I was not there. My husband denied the affair until 6/5 when some of my coworkers observed them kissing at _____ off of ______. He admitted that he was kissing her, but claims they are still “just friends.” Although my husband claims that they are still “just friends,” I am convinced that they are now living together at an apartment complex at ______________________.
I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish through this letter, except to make sure you are aware that this is not a relationship that started after my husband was separated. It is why we are separated. Also, if you are so inclined, I would appreciate it if you could encourage your daughter to do the moral thing and leave my husband alone. And, if she won’t do that, I would appreciate it if you would encourage her to stop playing mom to my daughter. It’s just wrong.
I am happy to answer any questions you might have.
Hmmm . . . I am so, so ANGRY right now!!! Someone please talk me down from picking up H's and OW's facebook friends one by one and sending an exposure email.
