Standing tall for myself--forever & ever, amen.

[beingreal]

The weekend was a long one. And not in a good way.

I spent Friday in a physician's office. It is the first time I had to fill out the paperwork & mark the "separated" box. And then draw a line where it asked for your H's info.

It made me feel alone. Completely and utterly alone.



Saturday was a much better day. My very dear friend with a rare form of cancer had a benefit on Saturday. They raised just over $25K for her. It was amazing. I've not ever seen such an outpouring of love for one person. She is an incredible woman & I am glad to be her friend. Not only was it for a really great cause, it was probably one of the best parties I have ever been to. lol. DJ in the building, live band behind the building. Lots of drunk,emotional people there. lol I had no desire to meet anyone--but they were very entertaining.


At one point my friend was making a speech and she turned to thank her husband. Her H is a really wonderful man. Whom she almost left at one point. When things were getting really bad between H & I, she told me how bad things had gotten a few years ago & how they had managed to hold it together. He has done more than redeemed himself.

He is a wonderful husband. As she is talking about him, his starts crying. Unabashedly crying. The woman he loves and adores has about 18 months left--at the most. (She isn't buying that one, but that is what she was told) And watching him up there, open and unashamed, there was not a dry eye in the house.

She started to talk about how he always made her feel beautiful--even bald (he shaved his head the same day she did, how he was always there for her, how it was always "we need to do this" and "we have this test"...she didn't feel so alone because she knew they were a team.

She said she felt safe with him.

And that's when I just broke & did a little bawling myself.

Safe.

I never felt safe with H. I never felt safe with anyone.

Was that why I was such a *fixer* in every R? Or was my controlling nature the reason I didn't feel safe? I obviously have trust issues, and you can't feel safe unless you trust someone.

Chicken or the egg argument at this point.

Did I pick H because he was the type of person I could *fix* & was therefore not the giving kind who could be supportive? or was he at one point & did I just destroy it?

I have no idea.

I just know that it wouldn't have mattered had he still been around to put his name on that medical form. Even if he were here, I'd still be going through this alone. Because either he never made me feel safe or because I wouldn't let him. The end result would be the same.

So now my real question going forward from this point is...

How alone do I want to be for the rest of my life?

How much of myself am I willing to "put out there" and how much am I willing to trust someone new?

To quote the theme song from one of my sons' favorite shows...

There's no chance unless you take one.




Grit--I know I still owe you an answer. I am still working on it. That was another revelation that made this weekend a little difficult. You asked, I dug & was surprised at what I found. I need to write it in a way that makes sense, so give me a little bit. It's a doozy, imo.


You guys and your freakin' mirrors. lol